Nuclear Thought Collision

I guess, there are some problem with structuring... you all can help me improvise that!

Nuclear Thought Collision

 

The waves were crashing on shore, my feet smudged in the sand and my toes tickled. The atmosphere was pretty much excellent, I could hear the cooing of birds, the rustling sound of leaves and the sweet smell of corns getting roasted on coal lingered there for a long time. I sat smoking on the beach and sipping tea from a thin plastic cup. The tea was served hot and the sensation of heat on my fingers was enough for me to drop the cup. 

I was new to the city, my friend told the beaches were clean here and this beach where I was siting carries the winds of tranquility. He was right, I was enjoying every second of my life here. It was like there is someone out there in that sea, who’s redefining the moments of our life. I was interrupted thrice - Ten minutes back, the guy tried to sell me toy and I bought it for no reason. Thirty minutes back, peddler tried to sell me weed. I bought it again. Forty Five minutes back, pimp tried to sell me pure flesh. Yes, those were his words ‘Pure Flesh’. I lit another cigarette and asked him to leave before I call the cops. He laughed and left me, he also left me a card.  He said ‘I am the best supplier, you need the company, call me.’

 

A pimp with the visiting card who thought I would need company, toy seller who thought I have got kids waiting at home and that peddler who wants to be my supplier " he said ‘I will be in touch, sir’. The crow whooshed over my head like a helicopter, I shrugged and looked up. The sky got my attention. There were millions of stars, technically, there are in space and many of them are light years away. Some of them are too cold and some of them are blazing hot. However, all of them are very beautiful if you stare at them from here, from our very own Earth. I took a long puff and I was sufficiently high. I looked at that black grayish sky again, I couldn’t understand how did those stars formulated and made a pattern. Wait. This is my sweet hallucination! I have heard the scientist talking about Constellation and all other s**t that I never understood. I tried hard to recollect those theories and in a few moments, I thought I am just wasting my time thinking about theories instead of enjoying the patterns.

 

I am not a space geek, neither I am obsessed with it. I have stopped questioning existence of aliens. All these Hollywood movies and Play Station games based on aliens bored me. I understand a need for Sci-Fi movies and stories, but how many times you can see one actor killing all of them? Either make alien too dangerous, that they can kill any f*****g human or super cute, so that ladies like Paris Hilton pet them in their purse and Tom Cruise take them every morning for a walk. Yes, if they exist then I wish them peace. I hope marijuana is legal on their planet, they roam nude, all of them. They have only one bank that handles all the transaction and insurance is completely free from the government. No photographs on their currency notes.  The most important thing is, no religion. No religion exists on that planet. It’s a terror free planet and their weapons are similar to Stars Wars. Now, why would they need a weapon? You have thugs and petty criminals. There was one more serious thought, men can be aroused only when the female wants them to.  

 

The sea wave suddenly made a very big noise breaking my chain of thoughts. Human thoughts multiply " one thought leads to another. There is no guarantee that you next thought would be better than a previous one. The remarkable thing about thoughts is they are ambiguous. They are flowing stream of the river, finding their own path and hitting on the rocks. Finally, on their path they amalgamate with a sea. The river water consumed by the big dragon that awaits for the perpetual destruction. The belly of the ocean is malignant. We studied in school, 75% of the Earth is water and it’s said more than 65% of the human body is water. I closed my eyes and I decided to visualize the center of my brain. What would you find?

 

I reached the lobe, don’t what is called but all our sensory data are processed and stored there. I was there, sitting in a lotus position. My face was calm, my body was still and there was a smile on my face. I doubted, is it really me so calm and happy? I felt the sensation on my toe. The sand was tickling on my toe. Then, it pinched me and the pain was unbearable. I opened my eyes and shrugged my legs. The crab was hanging on my toe… the waves crashed on the shore. I heard the siren of the patrolling car coming towards me.

Thank god, the consignment didn’t arrive today. I am just the lost tourist.    

Reviews

[Kamari's]

Very good the form need work but you have talent my friend

[Mayank]

Thanks Kamari, I am working on the structure.

[Kamari's]

you are welcome

[Kamari's]

Though remember what I said this is talent

[Tristie Frost]

Great Work! I loved it! It's really well done

[Mayank]

Thank you so much Tristie!

[Norah]

beautiful, I truly enjoyed reading this :)

[Mayank]

Thank you Norah!

[Sindu]

I was apprehensive when I saw a lengthy piece here. But I started reading and realized how I got settled in with my chin supported on my hands and smiling, shaking my head here and there. I like the alien scenario there cos I hate it. Always an intriguing thing to open with nature's best and treading into the complexities of what nature seems to be too calm for. Oh poor tourist! haha! It's mind-numbing how mind starts this unstoppable, mixed up thought process especially in a completely cracked up situation. A stiff migraine- that's what you find :P

All good most of the part but some places seem to have brakers. Last two paras is where I got outta my comfortable position, felt it could be more fluidic or if you wanted it to be little unsure in his mind, then alright.

This stood out: I reached the lobe, don’t [know] what [it] is called but all our sensory data are [is] processed and stored there.
and some here and there.

[Mayank]

Yes, I actually made errors in last paras and didn't realize it when I posted them. Thank you, for reading this long piece. Not many readers on this web.

[Sindu]

Sure :) you can read when I post something big ;)

[Meat of Dog]

I love stories that have or start with beach scenes. For whatever reason, I have an easier time visualizing a beach than any other setting although I haven't been to very many). It was interesting to get into this character's head and follow his little trains of thought while smoking out. I laughed at the alien part. There is so much scientific, religious, and moral debate regarding aliens that it's funny to imagine someone's perspective as human and simple as 'I hope they smoke weed'. It was charming. This story could use a little tightening up, but felt like it had some cool direction. It seems to get more contemplative and deep, too, when the narrator starts smoking.

Suggestions:

~ “how did those stars formulated and made” Formulate and make.
~ “don’t what is called but” It's?

Nitpicks:

~ “atmosphere was pretty much excellent” I don't know why but I found this kind if distracting. I think it would flow better without 'pretty much'.

[Mayank]

I am glad you liked it. I just wanted to simplify things, write from the point of view that it shouldn't make people crunch their brains with all scientific formulas. If they say aliens are dangerous, why can't then be simple? like human or pet animals. I was writing with whatever I had in my head, plus I am vacation deprived. haha!
Thank you for the suggestion, I didn't notice them before!

[Meat of Dog]

You're welcome!

[Haley Wilson]

That ending though! I love your writing style, it really pulls me in and leaves me hooked until I reach the end. Keep on rocking!

[Mayank]

thank you so much Haley!!

[Satan]

Man you make snoop dog and I proud. I want to read more :)

[Mayank]

Snoop dog? that rapper? hahaha.
Glad you liked it.

[Cindy Marietta]

Great piece! I especially enjoyed the ending. Can't wait to read more:D

[Mayank]

Thank you so much!

[Luna Zerimar]

Eh, you confused me at times, but I liked this. Very much.

I like your thought process. It shows you have imagination, and that you are very smart.

All the imagery you managed to put in was great. It had a calming effect. I'm a calm person myself. So, that made me very happy.

Good read.

[Mayank]

Thank you Jess! glad you liked it.

[T. Adams]

Be careful switching past and present tense, there are a few instances where you describe things happening in the past and in the present in the same line.

[Mayank]

alright, I realized that... I am working on that.

[Mayank]

thank you reviewing and pointing at errors. I don't know why it always happen, but I always end up doing mistake in tenses.