Unintended Illustration

Never ignore poverty, there are children who are content outlining their desires with water...

I saw her sitting under staircase at railway platform

She was a poor homeless kid, dressed in a shabby red frock.

It was drizzling that evening and commuters kept rushing

And there she sat smiling and playing with her two little brothers.

Then the water started dripping from the roof

She doused her fingers in it and sat on the ground.

She started sketching there with her soaked fingers

I stood there, amused and stunned.

Few minutes later, her sketch was over

Albeit it had started fading but I could see what it was.

It was a smiling doll, dancing and fooling around

She felt embarrass, when she knew I was observing her.

I didn’t bother her neither did she cared

Her face glowed next second, pleased with her own illustration.

She’s didn’t know remedy to keep her art intact

Either rain will wash away or water will be vaporized.

That was her reflection, painted so neatly on ground

An unintended diagram of her life,

Either rains will wash her away or the day

When she would be vaporize.

Reviews

[Stonz P.]

It's more like a story than a poem. You need to work on your grammar and also, choice of subject and its accompanying length. There is so much here, that could have been said in fewer words and more impactful. Well, that's how I felt; always room to improve.
Keep trying.

[Mayank]

thank you sir! I will definitely work on that.

[Sanjeeta Sharma Pokhar..]

Wonderful, Mayank. It's so lively....

[Mayank]

thank you so much

[Briana O'Connor]

This a great start to something that is truly beautiful. there is a lot of tense errors in this piece. It also reads more like a story than a poem. My suggestion would be to turn this into a short story. If you added a few more descriptions and some in between actions, ect...This could make a great story. Thank you for sharing and keep up the good work.

[Mayank]

thank you Briana...

[Ruth]

This is beautifully emotive and unique, I could see it all so well, touched my heart and empathy :) xo

[Mayank]

Thanks Poppy!

[Avinash]

Dreams of those who do not have things to support very unlikely to stay. Hope she gets the strength to hold on to it long enough. Not impossible though not easy. A very realistic portrait of extraordinary moments in an ordinary day.

[Mayank]

Thank you avinash ;)

[uNmAsKeD-dEluSiOns]

I like how you kinda think outside of the box with this, very unique. I agree with the others, I really feel the sadness coming from the girl- you did a good job with the emotion. Great piece

[Mayank]

to be honest, its not out of box. Its a real incident which I had seen and I stopped there, completely stunned. The words started developing and I posted it. Thank you for a read :)

[uNmAsKeD-dEluSiOns]

Well that's cool yet sad to hear you did such a great job writing it though, and your welcome :)

[Eve Ola]

When she would be vaporize, beautiful.. I enjoyed the story. Great job friend

[Simran Kewlani]

This nearly got me in tears. This is a beautiful poem. The little girl is oblivious to the world and doesn't know that she will vanish from this world with nothing in her hands. Everything will eventually fade away.

[Mayank]

Glad that you liked it, I just wanted to narrate this incident and make others feel what I went through then...

[Sophy Freebirds]

Awww... you did a wonderful job in painting this poor girl.. Children deprived of basic needs. Still she is happy with her sketch. May be one day her carefree nature will be vaporized by the harsh reality of life. A really touchè write buddy :)

~Sophy

[Mayank]

thanks Sophy

[Namrata]

Except a few grammatical errors, the poem narrates a beautiful story. You can almost feel the helplessness of the little girl, like trying to stop the seconds passing by or stop the sand from slipping in between fingers.

[Mayank]

Thank you Namrata, I will work on my errors :)