Dawn In A Hole

I don't even remember when I wrote this, probably I was too drunk then.

Infested like bug around my neck,

Consumed thoughts, battered and wrecked.

Take me two steps ahead,

My hope is dead, my spirit is beheaded

While the wild winds shudder my soul,

I look for you, a dawn in a hole.

This little insect running inside of me,

Feeding my mind, obsessed with insanity

Mirrored black, tattooed me

Ruthless, my own reflection doesn't speak to me!

Not god, not devil, somewhere in between

In blue and red dim light, ever growing

Shivering in the shroud, hide my soul

From the dawn, shine in the holes…  

Reviews

[Zahra]

Ahh really very beautiful, great metaphors. Loved it

[Mayank]

Thank you Zahra!

[Frieda P]

Metaphorically genius, light, dark and those places 'tween. Does feel as an infestation in the raving madness. Going in my favorites Mayank.

[Mayank]

Thank you so much Frieda ;)

[Frieda P]

My pleasure, if you wrote this one drunk, cheers to that. :)

[Gabby Nieves]

Wow. I truly love this, amazing analogies. And very well written

[Mayank]

thank you for a read, glad you liked it.

[Eve Ola]

You said you don't know when you wrote this, the reason why it comes so real. you have talent to use best metaphors for expressing your thoughts. "Ruthless, my own reflection doesn't speak to me!" simply BEST

[Simran Kewlani]

I like this poem. It has so many metaphors that I actually had trouble in interpreting the meaning.
But, that's the thing I loved. Your metaphors have played with the words very well. The poem is unusually rhyming in an amazing way. You should do something about your writings. They are worth a read. :)

[Mayank]

Thank you Simran!

[Simran Kewlani]

But, yeah. Don't let people correct the poem. We write what we feel not what others want us to write.

[Briana O'Connor]

This is a very clever metaphoric piece. The way you describe the battle is emotionally and vividly descriptive. There are a few points in the piece that throw off the flow. This is what I would suggest/analysis:

Infested like bug around my neck,--(This line is a great way to draw the reader in. It makes the mind wonder what could possibly possess a bug to infect one's soul)

Consumed thoughts, battered and wrecked.--(Another great line. Relating to the first it makes the reader imagine the "bug" infecting you in a way that consumes your entire being)

(Taking) me (onward) two steps ahead,---(I like the way this line directs us in a way that the infection is actually leading you as if it is your master. I added a couple words as suggestions to help the flow and rhythm of the piece)

My hope is dead, (a) spirit (with no head)---(I absolutely love the added imagery of a spirit being beheaded)

While the wild winds shudder my soul,---(another great scene of imagery that makes the reader shudder themselves)

I look for you, a dawn in a hole.--(This line adds beauty to the piece, describing the one is being sought as a dawn)

This little insect running inside of me,(perfection)
Feeding my mind, obsessed with insanity(perfection)

Mirrored black, (savagely tattooing) me
Ruthless, my own reflection doesn't speak to me!
Not (a) god, not (a) devil, (but) somewhere in between(love this line)
In blue and red dim light, ever growing
Shivering in the shroud, (must keep my soul from showing)
From the dawn, shine in the holes…

With my suggestions it would look like this:

Infested like (a) bug around my neck,
Consumed thoughts, battered and wrecked.
(Taking) me (onward) two steps ahead,
My hope is dead, (a) spirit (with no head)
While the wild winds shudder my soul,
I look for you, a dawn in a hole.
This little insect running inside of me,
Feeding my mind, obsessed with insanity
Mirrored black, (savagely tattooing) me
Ruthless, my own reflection doesn't speak to me!
Not (a) god, not (a) devil, (but) somewhere in between
In blue and red dim light, ever growing
Shivering in the shroud, (must keep my soul from showing)
From the dawn(that) shine(s) in the holes…

Great Job. thank you for sharing and keep up the great work.

[Mayank]

whoa! thank you... what a review.

[Briana O'Connor]

lol. When I have the time I try and break everything down for people and give praise and suggestions just like some people do for me. hope you don't take offense or anything.

[Mayank]

No at all, this was really helpful. I appreciated. I am amateur when its coming to writing and doing my best to improve, such honest feedback are always welcome.

[Namrata]

Dawn in a hole is clever, reminded me of the pinhole camera. Candid imagery, doesn't matter if you were drunk, the urge to find a dawn in hole would still linger in "sane" conditions.

[Mayank]

thank you Namrata

[Avinash]

It is a wonderful poem, straight from the soul Mayank. It is real poetry. Do not see many doing this. As I recently read somewhere..Breathe in Life..Breathe out poetry.

[Mayank]

couldn't help these words, they come out when I am drunk or high...

[Avinash]

That high should come naturally man..

[AprilRN1210]

pretty dark, twisted, powerful writing here.... I like the description of "dawn in a hole".. clever and fitting.... sometimes in that deep, dark place we scrounge--searching for that light to lead us out of the despair... the infestation of those demons that scatter when the light shines like the bugs that they are... this is very deep and profound... I really enjoyed and can relate on several levels.. very well written and delivers that "punch to the gut"... I felt it...

[Mayank]

Thank you so much April, glad you liked it.

[Sophy Freebirds]

Ohh damn!! 5aken over by the darkness desperately wanting to hold unto something.. "it feels like you arr trapped in an inky dark room infested by a bug( depression or dark turmoil). And there you desperately want a ray of hope.. A vehement piece of poetry..;)

~Sophy

[Mayank]

Thank you Sophy!