Track Meet

“They will destroy sports unless we create a separate competition for them, as we do for the Special Olympics.”

These words came out of a bearded man, seated high in the bleachers overlooking the track,
as if he held them up on a signboard in protest.

On a speaker a voice crackled, “In lane four, Tara McGowen...”

The man continued his tirade above.

“She is a he wanting to be a girl, but if he ran with the boys, he wouldn’t even make a regional heat, much less a final, so to compete...”

Shut up! Boo. The youngish crowd began to throw fries and nachos in his direction.

“Hey, I’m defending women here - those girls,” pointing to the starting blocks.

“You don’t defend women?” he shouted.

By then security had worked their way up the bleachers to take custody of the man’s free speech, forcefully ushering him and his belated feminism out of the meet. His exit was backdropped by lane four’s finish line crossing, ahead of seven dejected ladies, whose glass ceilings were intact but hearts shattered.

The man yellowed by concession stand nacho cheese screamed sarcastically over his shoulder.

“Yay! Man beats woman again! Yay! We’re so happy! Yay!”

Outside the stadium a gathering of p***y hats had spontaneously manifested. Placards spiking the air.

“Go home, Alex Jones!”
“Go home, Owen Shroyer!”
“We want equal competition, or else we’ll call a lawyer!”

The man’s head was ducked into the back of the police cruiser. The podiums were set up. The arresting officer licked a dollop of cheese that had blotted his body cam. Inside the stadium the crowd cheered.

Reviews

[barleygirl]

This is clever, sarcastic, & funny! This is exactly the kind of satire that’s needed in these times of so much social strife. Nobody’s serious statement about such things can stand, without being cut down by the opposition, so we may as well express ourselves by way of spoofs & humor-by-exaggeration. You’ve allowed enuf open-mindedness in your piece so that it doesn’t feel like you’re putting down either side. Your acid observations are equally wilting to either side. Your various quips about cheese splatter are hilarious. You spoofed p***y hats, Alex Jones & so much more than that from our public discourse. Great job! I need to try one of these soon (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[Maxwell Ryder]

I’m impressed. But don’t get cheese on the hat.

Thanks, Margie