Sex

A Story by Maxson_Khan

A look into the relationship I had before college. What was so wrong about everything we did.

I wanted it. I felt like I needed it, as if it was the next milestone in my life that I had to overcome before I could grow more. Even now I don’t know why I needed it, why I wanted it so badly, why after only a few months of dating I felt like we should do it, even though I had always been against it before.

It is true, it wasn’t many months in that we had sex. First time in the woods, no one around, no one to see us. She had done it before, but I told her I didn’t care I told her I loved her, I told her I wanted to be with her always. I lied. We had sex there, in the woods, we explored each other and did the most intimate thing two people can do, in the middle of the woods like two animals. We both felt so exhilarated being out in public and touching each other, and embracing each other.

After that day, we both were scared. We wanted to slow down, we didn’t want this to define our relationship. After we were going to always be together right? We lied. We both started to crave it, lusting over it, we talked about what we would do to each other more often then we would talk to each other about are day, about are feelings, about anything. It overcame our relationship like a pack of wolves overcomes an injured elk. We were ravenous for each others flesh, we wanted to taste the other again and again.

We finally had sex a second time, in the back of my car. In that cramped backseat, we became one, and we would whisper I love you in each others ears, as we fucked. That's what it became, f*****g, not sex, not love, f*****g. I didn’t know, I didn’t know what I was robbing from myself, and from her. The chance to give your everything to the person you truly are meant to be with.

After that day, it was constant. After school, in the same spot in the backseat of that old car, we would f**k each other as much as we could. It got so bad we would talk about it throughout the day, that being the only thing we would look forward too. Any chance we got, to do anything, we would take it. Any touch, any place, any where, if we could sneak it we would do it.

Summer came, the last summer before college. There was the sense of dread lingering in the horizon, I knew it was going to end, something was telling me, but I pushed it aside. After all I had sex with her, I told her I loved her, I told her we could make it through college. I lied.

College started, we talked as much as we could. We would video chat when time allowed us to. But something was missing from our relationship, the physical contact. We had both become so use to each others bodies, and using them anytime we felt, that now when we couldn’t our relationship had a hole in it.

We ended up breaking up four weeks into college, not on good terms. Everything we had ever said to one another, all the concerns we hushed, all the worries we quieted, were all in vain. We both lied to each other, that we could make it, that we loved each other, that we were “Soul Mates” it was all a lie.

Now I face a new problem, one that I never thought would ever be a problem. Regret. I look back on everything I had done with shame, wishing I could wash it off of me, and that would no longer be apart of my identity. But it is stuck forever now, I will always carry a part of that on me, I can’t be rid of it, I can only learn how to deal with it and accept the mistakes I had made. If I ever do find the one girl I am meant to be with, I now have to be the one to sit her down and tell her what I had done, how I gave away something that should have been hers. I gave away a piece of my heart, to her, I can’t get it back, and because of that I will never be able to give my full heart to another person ever again.

I joke about it now, it is easier for me to cope with pain if I can laugh about it. I joke to my friends about it and the laugh and high five me. But it is hollow, they don’t understand how I could ever regret having sex with someone, how I feel like I have cheated myself, and someone else of something special.