F*****g Up

My life up to this point has been something of a joke in my personal opinion. Don’t get me wrong; I have great friends, an intact family, and every opportunity a young man could ask for. When I say that my life has been a joke, I simply mean that I've either squandered or taken for granted every opportunity laid before me.

The first thing you should know about me is that I’m possibly the world’s greatest bullshitter. I can wiggle out of even the most tight situations, besides your mom's a*s, Oh snap! I apologize, that was uncalled for. My dad has always said, “Maxwell, you could sell ice in Alaska”. As convenient as it would be to make a comfortable living selling blocks of frozen water, life has proven to be somewhat more complex than that. Plus Alaska isn’t exactly what I would call appealing, not to mention I'm almost certain that there are plenty of places in Sarah Palin’s playground where there is a realistic market for ice. I mean, 7-11 typically sells ice; I can only assume Alaska has at least two 7-11’s. So technically what my father may have been meaning to say is, “Maxwell, you’re going to end up working the night shift at 7-11 in Juneau, Alaska.”

Sorry, I tend to over analyze situations, which leads to pointless ranting. I suppose that is another thing you should know about me. Anyways, where were we? Oh yea, I haven’t talked about anything yet. My English teachers would scowl knowing that I didn’t incorporate a clear thesis in the final sentence of my first paragraph… then again I don’t think there's much English teachers don’t scowl at (aside from fedoras and irrelevant over-analysis).

I’m just being bitter, I can admit it. But why so bitter Maxwell, you ask? Well in short, two days ago I received a letter from Oregon State University informing me that I have been placed on, what they call, “Academic Suspension”. What they really mean is, “You've fucked up, continued f*****g up, and now you’re no longer our problem.” I really can’t say I blame them for kicking my a*s to the curb. If you were to look at my transcripts, you, the university, your dead grandmother and I would all agree that I am quite the piece of s**t on paper. Not literally, s**t on paper belongs in the toilet. Maybe that’s where I belong, scrubbing the s**t stained toilet of a Juneau, Alaska 7-11 bathroom. That sounds so horrible I’m sitting here laughing at the prospect.

I tend to absorb or deflect negative situations or circumstances with my twisted sense of humor. I can find the humor in almost any situation… I take that back, I can find the humor in any situation. As such, when I look at my transcript, a savage grin spreads across my face. Why this happens, I have no idea, but I do have a couple of hunches. My first theory is that I’m so immature that I’m still coming to terms with the fact that any organization or person even recognizes me as “Maxwell James McCluskey: the adult” opposed to my usual titles of, Max, Maximus, d********g, or “that kid who thinks he is so f*****g funny”. Ah man, d********g, that’s a grand word, overused, but grand. My full name sounds so formal, it’s almost like I should be playing shuffleboard on a yacht somewhere off the coast of Key West. Anyways, my second theory as to why I find myself grinning every time I look at my transcript is that it could not represent me as a person more poorly. Don’t get me wrong, my transcript is the way it is as a direct result of a gaping void of motivation, my lack of effort, and prolonged college weekends that often start on Wednesday nights. Also, I don’t want anyone who is reading this to walk away thinking that I am arrogant or conceited. Ask anyone who really knows me; I’m not a fan of myself. Quite frankly, my essence as a person represents the mental image of those kind of people who I tend to avoid at all costs; if I met me on the street, I would be annoyed within one minute… guaranteed.

As a result of this self-loathing, I reserve a disproportionate amount of criticism and loathing for the people and things around me. Considering that the previous sentence probably made absolutely no sense to anyone reading, allow me to explain myself more clearly. I have a nasty habit of projecting my own shortcomings on whatever environment I find myself in. Example: I hate blogs, people who blog, and people who talk about their blog, yet, this s****y piece of writing will most likely find its way to my own blog; hence my self-loathing. A person is smart, typically logical, and surprisingly compassionate. People, as a collective whole are unbelievably stupid, disgustingly impressionable, and unequivocally cruel. In my mind, there is no other way of classifying a person or a group of people. When we all get together we seem to communally suffer a 90 percent drop in brain activity. Another reason I think I dislike the collective whole of the human population is jealousy. Jealous not in the sense that I envy the possessions or personalities of others; it’s more of the fact that it seems like everyone around me knows who they are as a person… something that I long for more than anything.

I literally have no idea what I truly enjoy, dislike, or love. I feel like my entire life has been one big adaptation to accommodate whatever circumstance I find myself in. One day I’m camping with my hick buddies, dressed head to toe in Carhartt, the next, talking literary theory with the hipsters that I openly claim to despise. After 21 years of life, there is a prodding voice in my mind constantly whispering, “who are you? This isn’t you, you have no definition of self.” Damn, I’m getting a little depressed even writing this s**t down! But there are still traces of a smile on my face. I smile because people seem to like me, I mean, I have a great friend group and a family who seem to have me figured out better than I do.

I’m tired and tipsy. The end.

Reviews

[Zi]

So, I'm sitting next to my mother, reading this out loud. I just looked at her and asked if it sounded familiar. She looked back at me and asked if I wrote it because it is almost EXACTLY what I've been telling her for the last few years... "Considering that the previous sentence probably made absolutely no sense to anyone reading, allow me to explain myself more clearly." I understood exactly what you meant without the explanation. This is where I'm at too. It's a mild comfort to know that I'm not alone in my aimless emptiness.

[chloe]

"Anyways, my second theory as to why I find myself grinning every time I look at my transcript is that it could not represent me as a person more poorly. Don’t get me wrong, my transcript is the way it is as a direct result of a gaping void of motivation, my lack of effort, and prolonged college weekends that often start on Wednesday nights. Also, I don’t want anyone who is reading this to walk away thinking that I am arrogant or conceited. Ask anyone who really knows me; I’m not a fan of myself. Quite frankly, my essence as a person represents the mental image of those kind of people who I tend to avoid at all costs; if I met me on the street, I would be annoyed within one minute… guaranteed."

You have no idea how much I relate to everything said in this section, let alone this entire story. I know that I am fully capable of achieving academic excellence, and quite frankly, I know I am intelligent, but it just goes to show that doing poorly in school does not prove anything. However, isn't it ironic that society tends to portray a bad grade as a careless, under achieving, burn out type of behavior? Which, I guess explains why we feel so bad about ourselves. The confusion of a college student is a mystery to me and although I sit here and try to put the pieces together, I don't think I will ever figure out what the "right way" to live is. Damn.

[Chloe..Across the Unive..]

Good free flowing stream of conscious write .. so many of us have felt this way and also thrown away many opportunities.. nice write.

Chloe

[Sukriti Suki]

This is good.. It flowed. I really like the way you write, it is very interesting and involving.

[empty]

i know some of these feelings. like this descriptive.