Prologue-Life tracker

A little explination.

Prologue

So what can I do today? It’s a question we all ask ourselves. Something you take for granted as a simple question that just might not turn out how you want. You don’t know exactly what’s going to happen until it happens. Well for me it’s not that simple. Imagine being able to choose what happened in your day and not a single thing could change it unless you chose to change it. Well that’s what I do. I can see 24 hours into my future because I’m a life tracker. Life trackers can choose what track in life they travel down. What road there life travels down. I see the different options I have and what will happen from that point in time and the next 24 hours for every choice In less than a second and in a full second I see were in the next 24 hours I will have a choice to make that could change the track I’m on. It has its advantages sure, but when it comes to other life trackers we are blind which is why when the government wants you dead they find you quietly with normal people like you, then send out other life trackers. Because we can’t see other trackers. At the moment... the government really wants me dead.

Reviews

[Miss Coral]

There are some grammar mistakes, and I think that this could be broken up into at least two paragraphs. Also, there's a contradiction. If life trackers can't see life trackers, then how could they find the main character? All in all, could turn out to be a very interesting story. Good luck! :)

[Caradoc]

A very interesting prologue.

I can see the inspiration from Jumper here. I suggest reading the book because it's really good.

As for this prologue it's intriguing. There are stories about people who can see the future and those tend to be okay. This, if you worked it right, could be both original and very good. I like the idea of the Life Trackers. It's also a novel name for them.

There are some things you could do to make this prologue better. it's already interesting.

1.) I suggest separating the first line from the rest of the narration. That will give much needed emphasis to the simple question the speaker is exploring.

2.) Don't repeat the word question so much. A thesaurus is one of an author's greatest tools. Try something else like "inquiry" or even "thought".

3.) At the word "imagine" I suggest making that the start of a new paragraph. The narrator is going into the next part of his explanation, which is a completely different thought than what came before.

4.) Drop "change it" at the end of that sentence. It's a bit too repetitive.

5.) In writing, it's not a good idea to use the numerical expression of a number. Write out the word twenty-four.

6.) I would capitalize Life Tracker is it is a proper noun in the context of the story.

7.) Make another paragraph when he says Life Tracker for the second time. It' the start of a new idea, a new description.

8.) "I see the different options I have and what will happen from that point in time and the next 24 hours for every choice In less than a second and in a full second I see were in the next 24 hours I will have a choice to make that could change the track I’m on."

The above is a run on sentence. You need to break it up into smaller lines by using periods and commas.

9.) When he says that it has its advantages you should break into a new paragraph. Again because it's a new thought. I would also separate the part in it about being blind to other Life Trackers from the part about the government. It's another run on so it's kind of necessary.

10.) "Because we can’t see other trackers." This isn't really needed because you've already told the reader that a Life Tracker cannot see how other Life Trackers impact their lives. You might also be in need of some clarification of that fact. I got it, but a few other reviewers didn't seem to.

11.) Lastly, I would make the last sentence separate from everything else because it really throws the whole plot into perspective. It needs emphasis because it is the main hook of the story. Also, maybe switch the ellipses around and place them at the end of that sentence so it trails off.

That's the end of my review. In closing I would like to say that this story has potential. If you worked at it this could be something really good. In regards to everything I pointed out, they are merely suggestions. You have every right to ignore what I say.

Good luck with this.

-Caradoc

[.quan.011.]

Wow, this sound pretty cool. I advise you the revise this a little. There are some mistake, but nothing good re read could fix. I like the plot and can't wait to see which direction you will take this.

[Kimmi]

Hm, this is a cool concept. I really like it. There were the teensy tiny spelling mistakes and what not, but it wasn't anything major. In general, I found this really interesting :)

[Megg]

Wow, this sounds really cool and definately something that I would pick up at a Books-A-Million and buy. MORE CHAPTERS! You have some grammer, but who doesn't? Anyway, nice job.

[Alice]

The idea sounds very interesting, you managed to catch my attention even though it is short :)
There are a couple of grammar mistakes, but apart from that I thinks it reads very well.

[Joy Lynn B.]

Over all this is very interesting

[Katie]

It's very interesting and the concept is very intriguing. I'm looking forward to seeing what you have to put out next.

[Kirby Inc.]

I like the concept of the Life Tracker; it must be quite a burden to see that much. One thing that jumped out at me, though, when you say "In less than a second and in a full second". Other than that, and some other minor grammar issues, a solid prologue. Certainly caught my interest!

[Alicante lullaby]

i liked the lenght..rest has been said by others.keep up.

[James Watts]

Not bad. I agree with Perseponia. A little short, but prologues have been known to as little as a sentence. Keep up the hard work and polish this out a bit.