Chapter 2 Taken

If a freind was taken from your side would you go after them even if it ment possible death?

CHAPTER 2

Taken

“Holy...” the last word of Ryan’s statement of how surprised he was became muffled as Emily clamped a hand down over his mouth.

“Shhh!” she hissed at him then removed her hand. We all walked around the door examining it there were weird markings on the top of the door frame. The door itself was an arched wooden one. It wasn’t painted it was just a plain wooden door.

“Beautiful isn’t it” we all spun at the strange voice and there he was the man that had been following us.

“What do you want?” I asked.

“5 hero’s” was his response “5 hero’s to save my world which lies through that door”

“Look somewhere else, we are not hero’s” Amy said. The man shrugged and walked past us toward the door then faster than I thought possible his arm flew out and he grabbed Amy I jumped forward as they passed through the door Emily had grabbed me but she soon let go when neither Amy or the man appeared on the other side. We all stood open mouthed. I turned to the others.

“We have to go in there”

“Are you crazy Matt?!” Daniel said.

“Emily, Ryan, please Daniel, come with me!” I pleaded.

“Obviously you are!” Daniel told me “anything could happen once we step through. I really want to live at this point in my life!”

“Ryan Emily?” I asked them.

“I don’t know...” Emily said slowly “I don’t think there dead but they can’t have just been transported somewhere else or like the man suggested to another world”

“There is one way to find out” I suggested to her luringly.

“Alright I’ll come” she said after a few moments of thought.

“Ryan?”

“Ahhh well, what’s life without a little bit of Adventure eh? Should be fun!”

“Damn you all! You guys aren’t going all alone except for each other and leaving me here by myself besides... you need someone to keep you inline” Daniel said.

“You sound like you know we are going somewhere” Ryan said. I nodded. Dan shrugged.

“I always believed there were other worlds.” He said. I turned to the door and took a deep breath “here I go" I said and taking another deep breath I stepped through.

Reviews

[bbb]

Okay, there's still a lot of grammar stuff that needs help. I'm only going to point out the big ones though. Where you have "hero's" it should be "heroes" as it's plural, not possessive. "I don't think there dead.." should be "they're," the contraction for "they are." I also don't think you should use the word "luringly." If you want to stick to the use of an adverb, it should be "alluringly," possibly. Or you could just change it to something else like, "I said in my most convincing tone, meant to lure her in." Also, "inline" needs to be changed to two words, "in line." As for any discrepancies in the story itself, there is something you might want to consider revising. When the strange man grabs Amy and bolts through the door, I'm a little puzzled why Matt just doesn't charge on through after them. That's what most of us would do if a stranger grabbed a loved one of ours in a real-life situation I think. But if there needs to be a pause in the story here after she's taken, then I would give a good reason. An idea: maybe he is too shocked and scared. If he is, this needs to be conveyed. Another idea: perhaps a blast of light or wind or something immediately follows their disappearance through the door, and Matt is temporarily dazed or stunned...too much so to take immediate action. I know that Emily grabs him, but in all likelyhood, would that really be enough to stop him from going after Amy? I would also think about adding something as to what he's (Matt) feeling or experiencing at the moment Amy is taken, and also at the moment he decides to brave the door...like a rush of adrenaline or a surge of panic. Lastly, I would add some description as to what they see when the man takes Amy...is the door still open? What do they see when they look through it? If they can see nothing, then I would make that clear. These kinds of small changes could really help to flesh this out a bit more, and give us a little more intrigue. And of course, despite all my advice and constructive criticism, I am really enjoying the concept of the story and the pace at which it moves along:)

[Greg Close]

You do a pretty good job of establishing the personalities of your characters with little bits of dialogue. I'm a big fan of that - seems very natural. Still need to work on punctuation, but it does seem to be improving as I read on.

In the "ways to make something good better" category - work on some of your description to round out the environment the characters are in a little, and try to avoid/replace adverbs. Eg. "luringly" - instead of using the adverb, describe HOW the statement/actions of the character make it so. You don't always have to do that - sometimes as adverb really is the best word, but keep that rule in mind.

[Lowesy]

again, when starting a new character's voice, start a new a line. There are a few grammar mistakes here, capitals where there shouldn't be and lower case where there shouldn't be, at one point you said there when it should have been they're. I suggest copying and pasting this (and all your work) into Word and doing a spell check, that will get rid of some of the basic stuff. This chapter seems very quick, it needs more description on actions, surroundings, expressions and feelings, don't be afraid to explore beyond the characters. Also, there are better ways to say 's/he said', but again that will come with the description. The story and plot is coming along nicely, but I do suggest adding length and I don't think this consists of a chapter, this is just a brief scene, if I were watching it on a movie, going by your words and the chapter I have in front of me it would last roughly 15-20 seconds, printed out on paper it would be half of an A4 side. Not nearly long enough to be classed as a chapter, you may get away with a cheeky one every now and then but overall, 1,500 words or more, but don't make it too long, readers need breaks!! Hate long a*s chapters!

Mark

[Joy Lynn B.]

Very good. Very good!

[James Watts]

“Holy...” the last word of Ryan’s statement of how surprised he was became muffled as Emily clamped a hand down over his mouth.( I would omit "of how surprised he" for a cleaner read.)

“Beautiful isn’t it” we all spun at the strange voice and there he was the man that had been following us.(“Beautiful isn’t it.” We all spun at the strange voice and there he was, the man that had been following us.)

“Are you crazy Matt?!” Daniel said.( avoid this. It is either a question mark or an exclamation, but never both. And there needs to be a comma before Matt.)

“Ryan Emily?” I asked them.(“Ryan, Emily?” I asked them.)

I would suggest combining chapters, as these on the printed page would only be maybe half a page. It has a high interest value, just needs a little polish.

[Amy]

you forgot a cappital again
Are you crazy Matt?!” Daniel said.
is what it should say

[Amy]

wonderful this chapter although its short explanes alot