Chapter 1 Genesis

In the begining there were 5 ordinary teenagers who were about to have there world turned upside down... then enter a new one.

Chapter 1

Genesis

I laughed at my girlfriends insult as we walked along past the fair rides and stalls.

“Amy I’m going to kill you if you keep saying things like that” Ryan said his voice dangerously low. Amy gasped. “Oh no! Help! Save me Matt!” Amy said in mock terror I laughed as I scooped Amy up. She laughed along with me, Daniel, and Emily, as Ryan went red with anger, but he stayed silent. While I was older Ryan was taller than me. He has blond curly hair, blue eyes is thin and he's into the new cool clothes and can seem rough and violent until you really get to know him well, then you will see bits of the real him, which is a bit of a softy. Amy is my girlfriend and while there is 2 years between us and she is the youngest in this group of 5 we are about the same height her hair is light brown and just past her shoulders when it’s in a pony tail her eyes are brown she’s thin and a bit of a self proclaimed klutz, however no one disagrees with her about that. Daniel is the oldest, but his height has nothing to do with his age. He is a living giant and Amy usually makes a joke about waiting for him to announce his height world record. His hair is short and brown as are his eyes he is thin and a very fast runner. Emily is the 3rd oldest, which also makes her the 3rd youngest, however she is only about 2 months older than Ryan, who is the second youngest. Emily acts like the older sister Amy never had. She has black wavy hair down just past her shoulders and mostly is a peace keeper, but doesn't usually say anything when Amy’s teasing someone. I’m the second oldest having just turned 17 I have brown hair that is so dark some say its black in certain sunlight you can see hints of red my hair is almost never brushed. My eyes are brown and always look half closed. Amy closed her eyes and rested her head on my shoulder for a few minutes as the others talked laughed and joked then I put her down, we stopped walking for a moment and hugged as the others argued about going on a show ride or not, suddenly she let go of me, and dragged me away calling for the others to follow.

“What’s wrong?” I asked her seeing the expression on her face.

“Some weird guy was staring at us, watching us intently, and I’ve never seen him before in my life so he doesn’t know us.” I nodded.

“What’s going on?” Daniel asked as he came up beside me on my left (Amy was on my right) Amy told Daniel what  she had noticed and he told Emily and Ryan as they caught up with us. Amy looked behind us again then whispered to me.

“He’s followed us!” I turned and saw a man standing in the shadows as if he had wrapped them around himself. The others turned to look as well. We all saw him and we all started to run but we immediately slowed down as Amy turned around  to look again and said

“He’s not there!” once again we all turned but this time Amy looked at the same time as us. We couldn’t see him so we turned around and... almost ran into him. there he was standing in front of us. We turned again and ran as fast as we could through stalls and rides and between buildings I saw an open door in the side of one building and jumped through it. it was empty inside except for  one single door way standing open, in between the door frame was a blue green shimmering curtain of light.

Author's Note

I'd like your opinion do you think 'At the fair' would be a better chapter name than 'Genesis' which means begining?

Reviews

[Lowesy]

Interesting yet again, you've switched to first person viewpoint. Once again, when describing a new character or their speech, start a new paragraph, it helps the reader keep track of who's saying what and who's doing what. For example:
Bill turn to look at John, an angry looked spread across his face.
"Why did you take my toast?"
John looked around wildly as if he couldn't believe he was being accused of such a thing. "I did not take your toast," he opened his mouth to show it was empty, "see."
"Somebody took my toast," Bill sat at the breakfast table and sighed.
You see, it helps us understand what each character is doing and saying, also its hard to read stuff all blocked up. I do recommend switching the italics off and spacing the lines out, as well.

Hope it helps.
Mark

[echo501]

I like Genesis! It sounds more mysterious and intriguing.

[Amy]

for goodness sake Matt starts with a CAPITAL LETTER Oh no! Help! Save me matt!” Amy said please please please remember capitals

[Amy]

you need to make friends with the comma you missed a heap of them other then that great

[Amy]

last chec Matt starts with a capital and the bit when you are describing Rian dosent make sence somehow (He has blond curly hair blue eyes is thin and is into ) i think you use is to much i dont know it dosent sound right to me other than that great love it can not wate to read more