Chapter 1 Genesis

In the begining there were 5 ordinary teenagers who were about to have there world turned upside down... then enter a new one.

Chapter 1

Genesis

I laughed at my girlfriends insult as we walked along past the fair rides and stalls.

“Amy I’m going to kill you if you keep saying things like that” Ryan said his voice dangerously low. Amy gasped. “Oh no! Help! Save me Matt!” Amy said in mock terror I laughed as I scooped Amy up. She laughed along with me, Daniel, and Emily, as Ryan went red with anger, but he stayed silent. While I was older Ryan was taller than me. He has blond curly hair, blue eyes is thin and he's into the new cool clothes and can seem rough and violent until you really get to know him well, then you will see bits of the real him, which is a bit of a softy. Amy is my girlfriend and while there is 2 years between us and she is the youngest in this group of 5 we are about the same height her hair is light brown and just past her shoulders when it’s in a pony tail her eyes are brown she’s thin and a bit of a self proclaimed klutz, however no one disagrees with her about that. Daniel is the oldest, but his height has nothing to do with his age. He is a living giant and Amy usually makes a joke about waiting for him to announce his height world record. His hair is short and brown as are his eyes he is thin and a very fast runner. Emily is the 3rd oldest, which also makes her the 3rd youngest, however she is only about 2 months older than Ryan, who is the second youngest. Emily acts like the older sister Amy never had. She has black wavy hair down just past her shoulders and mostly is a peace keeper, but doesn't usually say anything when Amy’s teasing someone. I’m the second oldest having just turned 17 I have brown hair that is so dark some say its black in certain sunlight you can see hints of red my hair is almost never brushed. My eyes are brown and always look half closed. Amy closed her eyes and rested her head on my shoulder for a few minutes as the others talked laughed and joked then I put her down, we stopped walking for a moment and hugged as the others argued about going on a show ride or not, suddenly she let go of me, and dragged me away calling for the others to follow.

“What’s wrong?” I asked her seeing the expression on her face.

“Some weird guy was staring at us, watching us intently, and I’ve never seen him before in my life so he doesn’t know us.” I nodded.

“What’s going on?” Daniel asked as he came up beside me on my left (Amy was on my right) Amy told Daniel what  she had noticed and he told Emily and Ryan as they caught up with us. Amy looked behind us again then whispered to me.

“He’s followed us!” I turned and saw a man standing in the shadows as if he had wrapped them around himself. The others turned to look as well. We all saw him and we all started to run but we immediately slowed down as Amy turned around  to look again and said

“He’s not there!” once again we all turned but this time Amy looked at the same time as us. We couldn’t see him so we turned around and... almost ran into him. there he was standing in front of us. We turned again and ran as fast as we could through stalls and rides and between buildings I saw an open door in the side of one building and jumped through it. it was empty inside except for  one single door way standing open, in between the door frame was a blue green shimmering curtain of light.

Author's Note

I'd like your opinion do you think 'At the fair' would be a better chapter name than 'Genesis' which means begining?

Reviews

[Lowesy]

Interesting yet again, you've switched to first person viewpoint. Once again, when describing a new character or their speech, start a new paragraph, it helps the reader keep track of who's saying what and who's doing what. For example:
Bill turn to look at John, an angry looked spread across his face.
"Why did you take my toast?"
John looked around wildly as if he couldn't believe he was being accused of such a thing. "I did not take your toast," he opened his mouth to show it was empty, "see."
"Somebody took my toast," Bill sat at the breakfast table and sighed.
You see, it helps us understand what each character is doing and saying, also its hard to read stuff all blocked up. I do recommend switching the italics off and spacing the lines out, as well.

Hope it helps.
Mark

[Shep]

Ok, first off the story is good, but it needs work. This is what mine used to look like when I first began to write and thought everyone was wrong and I was right. But the truth was I was wrong and they were right. That was almost four years ago, but in that time I learned a lot about writing and my self.

Let's start with easy stuff first. Take the all the text out of the bold print. Reason it kills the story by to much black the blur the lines and more so when its not broken up.

Second..each character needs his own space. Meaning seprate the chatacters Android giving them their own space.

Third break up long paragraphs. Readers always get lost in a sea of words. It makes them feel like they are drowning. Plus it makes easy to find your mistakes.

Do these thing and readers will come to read your novel more so if read there's first not just a couple of chapters they want to know that you are not a fly by night reader. You do them a solid they will do you one.

Sorry I won't read more until you have done any of those things.

[bbb]

Both the reviewers, Greg Close and Snickers are correct in what they're saying you need to do in this story. Now I will point out a couple of things that I think would really help this chapter. First off, it seems that you are over-describing the characters in their looks and ages. What I mean is it's too much detail too close together. I think a more effective way to write this would be to drag things out a bit as far as the setting goes, and then give some description of each character as they say or do something. Too much detail too close together makes that part of the chapter seem a little boring. We need to get to know these characters in other ways (again, actions and words) so that way we really do become interested in things like their age differences and their physical features. I hope that all makes sense. You also need someone who can really help you edit the grammatical stuff: things like run-on sentences, placement of commas, semicolons and colons, and paragraph breaks. I also noticed at one particular point the tense got switched to present, when most of this is written in past. I would personally just stick with past. The part I liked the most was the description of the strange man. (Standing in the shadows, etc.) I think you have a brilliant imagination for story telling, and this is a wonderfully fast-paced piece that captures the reader's interest. But again, on the characters, you need to capture not only the readers' interest, but their hearts as well. I hope this helps, for that is my sole intention. Keep writing and stay encouraged! Also, I think "At the Fair," or simply, "The Fair," would be the best title.

[Greg Close]

Genesis has a very Biblical undertone, and comes off as the more "serious" title. At The Fair is lighter in tone, and a little less pretentious. Either one could work - just depends on the mood you want to set with the title.

I'll continue my thought from the prologue review - the grammar is hindering the story. You don't want that, for sure! I read it through a couple of times to figure out what might help and I realized that if you speak it aloud, you naturally add in the punctuation in the right places and the story and characters really came alive. If you can work with someone who really knows their grammar and have them clean up the basics like commas and line breaks and what-not then you can get over these technicalities that are complicating your story-telling.

You've got good stuff in there you DON'T want to lose, too! I liked this bit: "a man standing in the shadows as if he had wrapped them around himself." That's a great description - lots of powerful imagery and connotation with a simple turn of phrase. If you can take a breath, slow down, and get more of your story into well crafted sentences like that one, it will go a long way! :)

[Snickers]

The title should be, maybe, Fair fever xD joking. I don't know what comes to your expectations hon. But there is something I really want to point out to you.

She laughed along with me, Daniel, and Emily, as Ryan went red with anger, but he stayed silent.

Me, shouldn't even be used in this sentence, it should use more detail to Ryan's face, like what color was it? Also, and shouldn't be used in between Daniel and Emily.

Word of advice, Me, should be replaced with I, it should be used behind Emmy so it will come out like this...

She laughed along with Daniel, Emily, and I, as Ryan's (what color is his face? Pale, Tan, Tawny, brown, red, green, purple, blue, what?) went red with anger, but he stayed silent.

Other than that, it's good, I will read this again when I am feeling okay, and I will help you out.

Have a nice day!

sincerely,

Dream

[Coyote Poetry]

The title seem Ok. I like the beginning so far. I will come back tonight and read the rest. I started with chapter six. This is a interesting tale. I look forward to reading the story. I like the set-up and the characters in the story.
Coyote

[Ardeth Lane]

Hmmm, this is good. It's got me guessing as well, and wondering about what will happen next!

[Joy Lynn B.]

Wow this is very good! It keeps me guessing!

[James Watts]

“Amy I’m going to kill you if you keep saying things like that” Ryan said his voice dangerously low.(“Amy, I’m going to kill you if you keep saying things like that,” Ryan said, his voice dangerously low. )

When characters speak, you need to separate with paragraphs, so as not to confuse the reader on who is speaking and when.)

is 2 years(with numbers below a hundred spell them out)

Other than that, not a bad start. Could be lengthened a bit, but not bad.

[sawreese]

Going off of the last review, the part where you said blue eyes is... is in the wrong tense.

"is" is used incorrectly in a few places in place of are or were, etc...

I also suggest separating the thoughts of the characters into separate paragraphs. The transition from the description of the main character to the image of Amy is very awkward.

Lastly, you need to check your tenses (present, past, and future) switching from one to another they way that you did (at least once, maybe more) is grammatically incorrect.

Aside from all that technical stuff, the read was quite enjoyable. I like the switch from a fantasy feel, to a more modern one because of the setting. It shows you have pretty good tone control. The plot is interesting as well. I will definitely continue reading. Keep it up!