Prologue

Please note that I am consentrating on Realm 3 and so chapters in this Story may be a long time in coming. this is a short prologue not told in first persson like the rest of my story.

PROLOGUE

Aniris hurried along the path but did not run rather walked very fast. He was muttering to himself as if he might be mad. Occasionally he would pass a guard who would only catch a few words of his mutterings, such as “a whole day and night” and “who knows how long.” Unless you heard what he was muttering you wouldn’t be able to understand… this is what he was muttering. “The messenger ran for a whole day and night to reach me, and who knows how long the guards were dead before the messenger was sent. An entire Army could have been sent through, by now the five of the prophecy could be dead and may never reach our world, we must send our own magician at once… but I have to tell Nila first, besides she knows which magician it will be best to send. The war has now started in earnest.” Suddenly the air filled with a whistle and in the blink of an eye a single arrow shaft buried itself in his chest. He would never know that Nila did already know that the guards guarding the door to another world had been mercilessly slaughtered. And that she had already sent the best magician for the job. But that single arrow said many things as Aniris's blood stained the snow a cold blood red. Don’t interfere. Guards won’t stop us. And most terrifying of all, nowhere is safe.

Author's Note

I have only just written this about 1 hour ago (its currently 12:33 AM saturday 9th of january 2010) it was never part of my first copy or even my later ones.

Reviews

[Lowesy]

ok first of all you need to break up this big chunk of a paragraph, where the characters speaks, start a new line. I liked it, Aniris' voice was believable of someone of his...authority, that's the impression he gives anyway, someone who is in charge of people but doesn't seem military, maybe a messenger himself just in a higher place. You didn't drag us down with too many words that would distract from the original point and actions, although I think it would be better if you to include a few characteristics of Aniris'. Trends and fumblings he may have, make us familiar with this character, not bonded but not watching him from a distance, the shock of his death would be ten fold if you were to do this. I liked the last line, it summed it up nicely in a bow, very good.

Mark

[Tamelia Jade]

Great start! :) I'm looking forward to reading the rest.
I do agree with a couple of the reviews-less 'muttering' and breaking it up a little. Other then that it's a great place to start so thank you! :)

[Shep]

Great beginning, you have given me enough information to want to read you novel. Now let's. See where it takes me.

[Evelyn Storm]

Great idea for the story but your thoughts are falling on top of each other with too many incomplete thoughts. Aniris sounds interesting but give us a little more background as to why he had been chosen to be one of the messengers. I know it is a prologue but those are key in any book and brings the story full circle. Otherwise, this is a good read and it is the type of fantasy adventure stories I love to read. Thank you for your review on my story and I greatly appreciate your feedback and will be working on utilizing your suggestions.

[nathan]

well... Inasmuch as I am totally hooked up, I do agree with the erstwhile reviews. it appears you also got excited writing it which is good but a deep breath before you continue would be worthwhile. oh! Ps. sorry I came late to the party

[Plagued Monumentally]

This was really hard to read, mostly because of the font and the long paragraph. It was also hard to read because there are a lot of run-on sentences. If you chopped it up into short paragraphs I think it would be easier to read, and maybe change the font so it isn't in italics. Its just hard on my eyes, I don't know why. XD

After reading it, I forgot what it was even about. So just keep up the good work.

[bbb]

I would change the first sentence to something like, "Aniris hurried along the path; his long, quick strides just shy of a run." Then what you want to do is clarify what kind of "mad" we're talking about in the second sentence. I'm assuming you mean "mad" as in crazy, but it can, believe it or not, throw an American reader off for a second...they might think you mean "mad" as in angry. (commonplace word for anger in the States.) Then you will want to cut the overuse of the word "muttering." Go ahead and use it the first time, but I would change the following sentence entirely to something like this: " Occasionally he would pass a guard that would hear snatches of his whispers ( or, murmuring,sputtering or even grousing.) such as...(keep the rest of the sentence as written.) The next sentence I would simplify to something like this: "If you could have heard him, this is what he said in its entirety:" The sentence that starts with, "An entire army could have been sent through..." needs a little work to make it seem less run-on. After "but I have to tell Nila first," make it a colon and take out the word "besides." In the sentence "He would never know..." make the following piece of it say, "that Nila already knew that the guardians of the door to another world..." etc. Saying "guards guarding" just doesn't flow too well. You also need to not begin the next sentence with "And." How about, "In addition, she had already sent the best magician..." Lastly, just put the apostrophe at the end of his name, like this: Anaris'. Those are all just things to make this piece flow better, read better. But as for the story, this is a very intriguing write and I enjoyed it. It definitely piques my interest to see what's next. I hope you continue it to the finish!!!

[Greg Close]

Aniris is a good name (too bad he doesn't last too long) ;) Also, I like the basic idea of the prologue - the hurried messenger getting killed and the tagline "nowhere is safe." That's all good. There's more going on than you're letting us in on, and that's a great way to keep the pages turning. What you've done really well is hint at a larger story.

Normally, I'd say that you can ignore grammar for a later draft and just concentrate on the ideas, but I think here your ideas flew out so fast that you probably DO need to go back and clean it up a bit to give the reader the full impact and effect of your prologue. There are clearly some great ideas lurking in there, but it doesn't *shine* through like it needs to in order to really hook the reader.

So, I would suggest taking out the ol red sharpie and marking it up without mercy. See how you can kill unnecessary bits to accentuate the cool ones.

Here's one example, but I think if you carry this idea throughout it will really punch things up a bit:
> "Aniris hurried along the path but did not run rather walked very fast."

The "but did not run rather" doesn't add much to what you're trying to say. We don't really need to know he wasn't running so much as we need to know that he was walking very fast. It might be more effective just as "Aniris hurried along the path, walking briskly." This gets the same info along to the reader without any confusing cadence or overstating.

[Matthew Ian Herrawood W]

This is about 6 years too late but I thought I would say the name Aniris is a typo the name is actually supposed to be Anris. I only noticed this recently but haven't changed it yet as I'm having trouble saving things on WC at the moment.

[Weaver]

"did not run rather walked very fast"- "did not run; rather, he walked very fast"
comma after "what he was muttering"
"this is what he was muttering" - delete
start new paragraph with "The messenger ran..."
don't capitalize "army"
period, not comma, after "sent through"
period, not comma, after "our world"
capitalize "But"
period, not comma, after "Nila first"
comma after "Besides"
It doesn't make sense for someone to be saying all this aloud to himself as he is hurrying along. I think it would work a lot better if you get rid of the muttering and have him thinking it instead.
start new paragraph with "Suddenly the air..."
comma after "with a whistle"
"He would never know that Nila did already know" - awkward - try "He would never find out that Nila already knew"
"But that single arrow said many things as Aniris's blood stained the snow a cold blood red. Don’t interfere. Guards won’t stop us. And most terrifying of all, nowhere is safe." - This is a good end to the scene. - "Aniris' " (apostrophe after the s and no extra s) - italicize the words attributed to the arrow - capitalize "Nowhere"

[Rain Kissed Secret]

In a lot of your sentences you contradict yourself, or you say one thing, and then say it again in a different way. I know its hard to choose one, but try please! I like your idea. Just work it out. Kay?