The beast of Ryan

In the first chapter we met Matt (based around me) who is telling the story from his point of veiw. we also met Syriana an assasin hired to kill Him and his freinds now we will meet another freind of Matt's one of the 5 main people Ryan.

Chapter 2

The beast of Ryan

Ryan made a whip appear out of thin air then somehow he gave the whip an electric charge and the whip was coursing with electric. The whip cracked and Syriana rolled to the side dirt flew from where the whip had struck the ground. Syriana rolled to her feet pulling her axe of her back then she jumped at Ryan. he cracked the whip again and the whip wrapped around Syriana’s axe and Ryan ripped it from her grip. He cracked the whip a third time and the axe was flying back at Syriana. Even though she was already in the air she managed to do a back flip and evade the axe. She landed on one knee and pulled out her throwing knife. “DON’T KILL HIM,” I shouted “HE’S RYAN!” Syriana nodded then she through the knife. Ryan spun the whip 3 times in front of him which generated a small electric shield in front of him which, when the knife hit it made it fall to the ground blunting it and have small spark’s come from the blade. The shield evaporated. Syriana jumped over Ryan twisting to face him for when she landed and at the same time she pulled out her dagger. But Ryan was faster than usual and was facing her when she was about to stick him in the arm with her dagger. But then she flipped over him and then while he was turning back flipped and hitting the ground on one knee she stabbed him in the back of the knee the blade breaking through his kneecap and protruding through the other side. Ryan immediately fainted from pain. When Syriana pulled out her dagger the wound healed instantly. I through Syriana her axe. Which she started pulling out again half way through putting it away? A mist was rising out of the body of Ryan and was solidifying she looked at me and seeing I was not surprised asked, “Does this kind of thing usually happen?”

 

“Yep sure does,” I answered.

“With the big almost indestructible beasts”

“you bet” I said just as calmly as before. The eyes of the beast were the image of hell, claws that were 3 meters long protruded from its hand, its teeth were 5 meters long. The scales were dark red and the tail had spikes that burned all with an individual flame. It stood on its hind legs but its back was bent over. “Hinrkixn” (hin-rrr-kick-s-nn) I said, and then I thought flames. I received 2 flaming swords 1 in each hand. Syriana swung her axe experimentally through the air before bringing it up in front of her face. The beast’s claw came down with a crushing force and under normal circumstances I would have been crushed to nothingness from the sheer power of the blow. But these were not normal circumstances I had a pendent of power and it makes me stronger whenever it is activated and Hinrkixn (Hinrkixn means fighting) is the word to activate my pendent. The pendent of fighting. So with blades crossed above my head I managed to keep standing and more importantly alive. The beast was pushing harder and harder. So just before I could not keep the claw in the air I dropped and rolled blades above my head like a flaming arrow rolling to the side. The beasts claw was stuck in the ground but I knew it was temporary no matter how far the hand and claws were in. so I jumped and started climbing on to the bit of back that was horizontal then I jumped down on to its other hand driving it in to the ground. “Thanks for that” Syriana panted.

“No prob…” I grabbed Syriana and swung her up onto the beasts back. The flaming tail that I had seen out the corner of my eye missed her by a hair “…lem” I finished

“Thanks ag…”

“Not now!” I screamed as I blocked another swing from the tail “later” then the claw came up Syriana jumped as easily as if she was skipping but the claw hit me. As I fell I let go of my sword and it went flying I watched in horror as the blade flew point first towards Syriana. She turned and saw it and then she heard the low growl as the beast turned its head to look at her. She smiled then started to fall back toward the head and at the last second as the beast lunged she back flipped and landed on its head as the fiery blade drove through the beast’s eye. Syriana jumped landing softly and gracefully beside me. The beast was howling in rage and blinding (literally blinding) pain. It clawed at its face unil it tore the sword from its eye and fled to the mountains. tired and weary we dragged Ryan together until we came across a cave were we stopped for the day.

Author's Note

once again ignore spelling please unless you dont understand somthing because of it. same goes for grammer. only say you dont like somthing if you have an idea for fixing it or at least say whats wrong dont just say you dont like it. Please keep in mind that things are subject to change at any moment so some things on here may not be compleatly right with what you read later on however the changes wont be too big.

Reviews

[James Watts]

I think DJK summed it up. Other than the past reviews I have left previous, there is nothing to really point out that I have not already pointed out.

The one thing I can say is careful of the -ly adverb, as it weakens a sentence. There are times when these cannot be avoided, but for the most part they can by simple revision. Just reword the sentence.

Other than that, keep up the hard work.

[Druella]

You lost me here, where are they? How did this fight begin? Keeping a reader interested in finding out what is going on is good but if they are lost too fast on everything they will put the book down and not go any further. You want the carrot dangling, not the whole story. You are doing good on your scenes as far as giving an idea what is happening with the moves of the characters; this is a hard thing to do since you want to give a good vision without going too far.

[Amy]

i don't know if you needed to write the (literally blinding) i think it should be writen
the beast was howling in rage and laterally blinding pain
any way besides that great write i've only read it like 20 times and it gets better every time

[*Evelen*]

Another good chapter. Even more exciting than the first! Keep up the good work. Thumbs up.

[D J K March]

Okay matt, I have finally begun to endevour your book. Firstly the fight scene between Syriana and Ryan needs a little work. I know you said ignore grammar but its a simple set of changes to be made. The joining word "then", (try not to confuse with than, say it several times to see which makes sense) should only be used to join two sentences together. Other than that you need to add full stops and/or a semicolon ( ; ) that one, here and there. Remember a sentence is a full idea even if short and crisp.
Secondly, the Beast does not show up, it is just magically there. This is confusing for the reader. Even if the beast does magically just appear, that needs to be made clear to the reader.
Finally when Syrianna performs her finishing move on the beast, there are a couple of lines where it is hard to picture what you're saying she is doing (once again it is a matter of clarity). I have to wonder whether the word "head" fits in the following line?
"She smiled then started to fall back toward the head and at the last second as the beast lunged she back flipped" (end there with the full stop btw)
Take your time to read the sentences back to yourself aloud, its tedious and annoying but it works. Once you can make each single sentence on its own make sense (without the rest of the picture) then you've got it. Do that and you'll have made the conversion from writing down an idea that makes sense to you in your head, to writing a piece that a skilled reader can turn into a master piece in theirs.
Other than that, I like the idea, so far. Also I like the way you write; It's quick and flighty meaning the reader has to keep moving.
Good job!

[xxmusikchickxx]

i like this,i like the point of view.you should think about explaining the first part about how it all started indepth more.i can follow it,but id like to know more about the beginning so ill get a better idea of where they came from and how they got there.