Some jokes

A Story by MattHeston

So, I'm trying to put an act together for stand up comedy. These are a few. Tell me what you think, and how they can be improved.

So, I hated elementary school. The teachers and students made my life a living hell. But, I got them back; inside of the school time capsule, I put a time bomb. Those ******* are in for a surprise!

I have trouble communicating. It makes it hard to break up with girl friends. She's just sitting there, crying, screaming, "You said you'd love me forever!" And I'm just like, "Yeah, well you know how lies work."

Some people say that I'm too self involved. That's true, but while I may be self involves I'm not heartless. I actually started a charity, I call it "Blow jobs for the homeless." What I do is I got door to door and have women blow me. It may not help the homeless, but I get to nut and that's all I'm worried about.

I recently attended a funeral. I usually do fine at them, but I felt awkward at this one. Probably because I didn't know anyone that was there, not even the deceased. I kinda just let myself in. I invited some friends over, we had a barbecue, opened a sixpac. It was a great time! I don't get why everyone was crying!

I like to make the best out of a bad situation, that's why I treat every 9/11 like a holiday. All day I play janga and make paper airplanes.

People ask me how I always stay so positive. I tell them it's because I appreciate the little things in life, and I do. You won't be content if you don't. Like, probably the happiest I've been is when I found out that my ex had cancer. I was bouncing off the ******* walls!