theIRS/ Theirs

A Chapter by MattHeston

John Scene opens with John watching TV in his living room. He is watching a show where the crew goes around and asks people what they would do for a Klondike bar.

Announcer: Hello sir, what would you do for a Klondike bar?

Citizen: I would kill my f*****g family for a Klondike bar!!

TV switches with breaking news.

TV: We interrupt this program with breaking news. The DDC has put out a zombie survival guide. We are here with Dr. House to tell us more on the subject. House?

House: Im not a real doctor, I just play one on TV.

TV: So let me get this straight, you refuse to give us any information?

House: Youre a moron!

Frank walks through the door.

Frank: Hey whats up?

John: Well, apparently the DDC put out a zombie survival guide.

Frank: What? What the hell are they doing that they need to be concerned about zombies?

John: Well, ever since the birth of Miley Cyrus Ive started to believe in mindless flesh eating c**k munchers.

The mail man knocks on the door.

John: What the f**k do you want?

Mail man: To eat your mom out, but since shes dead Ill just give you this letter.

John takes the mail and walks back inside and begins to read. A surprised look comes over his face.

Frank: What is it?

John: Apparently, the IRS is possessing our home due to lack of payment.

Frank: What? You didnt pay the rent?

John: Well I didnt have enough money for a home AND crack.

Frank: You spent the rent money on crack?

John: And Latina midget hookers.

Frank: What the f**k were you thinking?

John: I dont know. I need some air. Ill be back.

Frank: Where are you going?

John: To buy some crack.

Frank goes to hang out with Skylar.

Frank: Dude, we need to do somthig exciting. Im so bored of school and normal s**t.

Skylar: Yeah man. Hey, Im planing on heading up to Amsterdam this weekend, you wanna join?

Frank: S**t, I cant this weekend.

Skylar: Why not?

Frank: Well, I was planing on going over to my ex girlfriends house and showing her what happens when Im drunk and horny.

Skylar: Damn, well you wanna just skip school for the rest of the week and head up there tonight?

Frank: Sure, why not.

Back at home John is smoking crack when an IRS agent knocks on the door. John opens the door.

Agent: Hello sir, Im just here to let you know that we will be here later to take your home with out giving you any time to pack or say good bye whatsoever.

John: Oh my god, its a f*****g zombie!

Agent: Excuse me?

John punches the IRS agent in the face nocking him down. John Tea bags him and says:

John: Suck it b***h!

The agent gets up, holding his face.

Agent: Well be here later, more of us.

John: Then Ill just have to make a bunker that even God would be proud to call his sex dungeon.

John begins to break up furniture using the wood to bar up windows and locked all the doors. He grabbed his shot gun and sat on the couch smoking more crack. Frank and Skylar sat in Franks truck drinking.

Frank: Alcohol improves my driving.

Skylar: Dude, I never f****n drive sober.

Frank: Only safe people do, and theyre p*****s.

Frank and Skylar begin to drive off.

Skylar: So what do you do when you get a boner in front of your mom?

Frank: My mom was abducted by aliens, I dont have the problem most Republicans do.

IRS agents show up at the house and knock on the door. John is standing on the roof.

Agent 1: Sir, what are you doing on the roof/

John: I saw this in a movie once, that makes it a good idea.

Agent 2: Sir, we are going to take this house.

John: Shut up you fagot zombie!

Agent 1: Sir, what are you talking about?

Thats when John throws a brick off the roof at Agent 1. The brick hits him in the dome and knocks him unconscious.

John: Take that you w****s! Zombies should never mess with a man while hes on the biggest crack high since Hitler was the king of the Jews.

The agents break the door down. The lights are off. Then they hear: John on top of the stairs.

John: Hey d*********s! Im up here!

John lets the bucket on the rope go, it hits Agent 2 in the face.

John: This is why God created me.

Agent 3: Oh my god, are you all right?

Agent 2: Im fine, but we are not leaving until we get this home.

Agent 3: Agreed.

Frank and Skylar stop at a light. It has gotten dark by now.

Skylar: So, when she woke up and realised I was gone, and left cab fare, she was upset.

Frank: Why were you in your sisters bed to begin with?

Skylar: I heard a noise out side, it was scary.

Frank: Dude, Im tired as f**k.

Skylar: Yeah same, but it will all be worth it.

Frank: Dont jerk off monkeys....

Frank and Skylar fell asleep at the light. When they woke up they were in a prison cell.

Frank: Hello?

Officer: Hey.

Frank: Would you mind telling us why were in a prison cell?

Officer: Yeah, you were loitering in a no loitering zone.

Frank: What? Do we at least get our phone call?

Officer: Yeah, of course.

The cop hands the phone to Frank. Frank calls his dad. The phone, at home was ringing while John was bashing it in the head of an IRS agent.

John: Eat my p***y you f****n zombie!

John shove the phone down the throat of the agent.

John: Who needs a guide?

Out side the house there is a horde of IRS agents breaking into the house.

Frank: Hes not answering.

Skylar: Alright, Let me call.

Frank gives the phone to Skylar.

Skylar: Yeah, thats right. A large peperoni, and a meat lovers.

Frank: What the f**k are you doing??

Skylar: Getting dinner. Were going to be here for a while, I figure.

A third person wakes up, and moans loudly.

Cell mate: Which one of youy fuckers s**t in my mouth?

Skylar starts to laugh hysterically.

Skylar: Hahaha, I farted on him while he was sleeping.

Frank: Who are you?

Cell mate: Im the Klondike killer.

Frank: Why do they call you that?

Klondike: I killed my family in promise for a Klondike bar.

Frank: Oh, ok.

Theres two IRS agents in the living room of the house when John walks up to them and shoots one with a shot gun.

Agent 4; What the f**k??

John: Thats right, now get off my planet zombie!

Agent 4: Wait what? Zombies are already inhabitants of earth.

John: Yeah I know but I was saying that in a general sense as in, leave or just go.

Agent 4: Oh I see.

John: Yep.

Then John shoots him the moment after wards.

After wards an IRS agent walks in the house.

Agent: Sir, Im happy to inform you that we arent taking your home after all. We made a mistake in the files and were actually taking the house next to yours.

John: Hey, you zombies are all right.

Agent: What?

John shoots the final agent and sits on his couch and turns on TV

John: Im just glad I live in America where no criminal ever gets caught ever.

Scene cuts to Frank and Skylar in prison.

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