Frankly Frank (CIAnus)

A Screenplay by MattHeston

Scene opens with Frank walking in to school. Frank walks up to his locker when a large woman named Big Dot walks up to him

Big Dot: Hey there sexy.

Frank: Oh, Im sorry. I didnt realize they allowed small bears in school.

Big Dot: C'mon, I know you want to f**k me.

Frank: No I dont f**k the mentally handi capped.

Big Dot: Im not mentally handicapped, Im just Canadian. And I can tell you want my p***y.

Frank: Let me stop you right there. Im pretty sure its so massive down there, you really cant even call it a p***y. And if there is any glimmer of womanly charm begging to get out, Im sure its been stretched so much it would be impossible to even feel it. Why dont you go smoke in the bathroom and think about our little talk.

Big Dot leaves Frank and Skylar walks up to him.

Skylar: Youre never going to get laid if you treat every girl like that.

Frank: Didnt you hear? Dot isnt even a woman. Besides, who said Im even trying to get laid?

Skylar: Dont you know what high school is all about?

Frank: Rejection?

Skylar: Thats only a part of it. The rest is sex and drugs. Weve covered the drugs, now you need to get laid.

Frank: And when do you get laid?

Skylar: I figured we could do this together.

Frank: And how do you plan on getting us laid?

Skylar: Theres a dance this Friday, so were gunna ditch and go to the bar.

Frank: Were 15.

Skylar: They dont really check dude, as long as you have money.

Frank: Ok whatever. It sounds more fun than listening to my dad f*****g another chick then crying himself to sleep.

Skylar: Exactly! This weekend we'll be crying our selves to sleep.

That weekend Skylar and Frank went to the bar and struck out multiple times.

Frank: Dude, were not getting any positive responses.

Skylar: No, theyre just not drunk enough yet.

As Skylar said that a woman fell off a stool while pukeing.

Skylar: Dont worry, we'll get p***y eventually. We just need to make these chicks think were someone important.

Frank: Like who?

Skylar: Someone god like and well known.

Frank is talking to a chick.

Frank: Hi, my name is James Caviezel*

Dumb Drunk W***e: Holy s**t, its the Messiah!

Frank: The Messiah needs in your p***y to save earth from a meteor, the same meteor that killed Hitler back in the '60s.

Frank took her home.

Frank: Well, this is my home. Umm, this is my living room ironically this is where I have most of my suicidal thoughts. This is my bathroom and we have a sink, as you can see. I usually use it to wash away the evidence, like when Chris Brown and Rihanna have a sleep over. This is my shower, a standing shower also known as a shower. This is my shower head, haha shower head, that sounds fun.

Dumb Drunk W***e: Ive gotta take a s**t.

Frank: Could you describe your daddy issues to me again?

John walks down(half asleep) and enters the bathroom.

John: So Frank, is this one of your teachers or something?

Frank: Dad, why are you such a nosy little b***h?

John: Hey, you dont need to cuss to impress this here s**t.

Frank: Im not trying to impress her, in fact I plan on being selfish.

John: So ( directed to the chick) whats your name?

Dumb Drunk W***e: The one my mom gave me, or the one my pimp has me yell?

John: You know, I dont really care anymore.

John leaves and goes back to bed. Frank and Dumb W***e go into his room

Frank: So, you dont have an STD, do you?

Dumb Drunk W***e: Do you have an hour?

Frank: Get out, just leave. Im not going to have sex with you, mainly because your mere presence makes me nautious.

Dumb Drunk W***e: Can I borrow five bucks?

Frank: Yea, but you have to get out of my house first.

Once Frank got rid of her he went to sleep and had a dream of a Catholic goat cumming on a Jewish missionary. Next day at the cafeteria he sat with Skylar.

Skylar: So, you didnt f**k her?

Frank: Dude, she took a s**t in my sink. Not exactly classy. Besides, whats the rush to get laid?

Skylar: Its a way to express your uniqueness, everyones doing it.

Frank: What about love, you know waiting for the right person to come along and fulfill your every want and desire? That person who is always there and who is more than just a pretty face?

Skylar: Shut up, you sound like a p***y.

Frank: You sound like the head of a c**k.

Skylar: How do you know what that sounds like?

Frank: You ever hear Oprah?

At which point principle Bush enters.

Bush: Which one of you greedy c***s stole my enchilada?

Student: God did it!

Bush: Dont you dare blame this on my Lord! Ill f*****g kill you and your family!

Frank: So, every time you sit does that stick up your a*s bother you?

Bush: Are you trying to say Im gay?

Frank: No, thats just the result of a guilty conciseness.

Bush: Why dont you suck my nuts?