Suicidal Thoughts

I often wonder if our loved ones wait for us at the gates of heaven when we die ?
Do we have to go inside ?
Is there even a heaven to fly to ?
I understand suicide is a "sin" so are the people that commit them let in ?
The ones that couldn't handle the pain & felt like Kurt Cobain's answer to things was the only way
Funny to say I've been in those shoes
Felt that pain you feel when you lose that person you felt so close to
Only I made it out...
So what about the ones that couldn't see past the clouds.
Feeling God forsaken hating every instance of their existence
Hoping and wishing for the day it would end but it didn't so they ended it themselves...
With no help, they wrote their own death sentence
They couldn't envision that bright light at the end of the tunnel
Understanding Rapunzel's feelings of being trapped in a castle
Feeling their lives were liquid in a funnel the way it always seemed to tumble downward with no escape
I've prayed for the day God would give me that sign...
The one the old folk talk about...
How, in that moment, they felt enlightened
Sight brightened by God's "good grace"...
But what about the ones who never felt it ?
Who felt neglected by "our Father who art in heaven"
Were their lives lessons for the living
Or were they simply souls that felt no need to hold on to this world any second more?
Is it true Good never puts more on us than we can bear ?
Or did he just give certain people double their fair share of life's problems ?
I guess suicide really is the answer to some..
If not, why does that cold chrome feel like it belongs to our dome ?
Finger on the trigger ready to disassemble our souls from our earthly body
No trembling as we squeeze...
No pain felt as we instantaneously pass on...
Maybe suicide's the answer after all...