The Inner Evil

The revolt of the inner me...

The jerk and jolt of the halting train, distracted me from my vacuum dream. The curtains of my eyes opened into the stygian darkness of my compartment. I looked around, envying my coupe-mates who were sleeping like logs.

I scanned the platform for a sip of coffee, but my eyes paused at the sleeping figure of a poor, homeless girl. Her clothes were aggressively ragged and dirty, but still much tidier than the platform s**t she slept on. I kept gazing at her face. She was shivering, maybe of the northern winter, or maybe of fright. I found my metals of sympathy being severely magnetized by her woe.

Moments later, I noticed a hefty policeman walking towards the same platform, his drunken legs aimed at the lone, helpless slum-girl. With no regret for his action, with no shame for his sacred uniform, he wasted no time in trying to strip the girl of her clothes. She got up with a shiver of fright and cried. The unwelcome music of her hapless cry pierced my ears and seemed to kill me.

The policeman made a second attempt, this time with more brute force to quench his macabre recreation. Blood heated my cheeks, I nearly drowned in a pool of fury.

I should somehow save this girl. I should get out of the train, run to the platform and save the girl.

Or should I? Should I welcome trouble? Why should I worry about this slum-girl? Who is she to me? Not my sister, not my mother, not my love. She is no one. She is Nothing.

But she is too young. Too young to be raped. Too young to die. Get out of the train and kill that thug.

No. I foresee wastage of money, wastage of time and even danger to life. The hefty policeman is too much for me. It is better for the girl to die alone than to kill me too.

It is her fate. The fate decided by God. Only he can save her.

Yes, only God can save her. But what if I am that God-appointed person? What if he wants me to save the girl?

No no. I am not God. I have no right to save her. Now see, the train has started moving. I have no time, no chance to save the girl. Forget her.

Maybe, I should jump out of the train and save the girl. I think I have a last chance.

No no. I shouldn't jump from a moving train. Forget her. This is her fate. I have no time to save her.

But But..     

The train moved far away from the screams of the tortured girl. I closed my eyes for a sleepless night. I closed my door against humanity...

 

     

Author's Note

The world is full of sympathy. I have given it, got it. But, empathy is something I am still searching for..... even within me. A story about human selfishness and one-dimensional style of living. About the fight between the good and bad in every man. The dominating thoughts of evil are penned in Bold letters. The dominated human thoughts penned in italics....

Edited by Shawn Reene, Bard Constantine

Reviews

[YouoweYoupay]

Oh my God...I could hear the girl screaming and crying for help in my ears. That was a powerful write that symbolized a universal and eternal struggle. Satan vs. God. Good vs. Evil. White vs. Black, courage vs. cowardice, and humanity vs. inhumanity. I enjoyed every part of it. Thank you so much fo sharing this. Keep writing.

-Wella.

[Matthew Kult]

Hello Matthews,

An excellent depiction of Angel and Demon on the man's shoulders. The eternal questions of should I do something or just be a spectator. I personally would have already gutted the girl and played in her entrails...but that is me.

Regards,

Matthew

[Omar Fendri]

oh my ! You warmed my heart ! and you know, swear you My tears were going to fall... Really deep, emotional, pure, touchy-feely, tear-jerking... what should i add ? > This is the missed part for my Perfection's meaning...
Okay, I like the profound meaning of the story : The humanity. Yes Fears and cowardice are soaking up our humanity. We are left naked and stony-hearted. But sometimes destiny's destiny and nothing we can do but accept it.

[Bard Constantine]

Interesting story about the inner conflict that wages inside all of us. Unfortunately, when the chips are down, most people are cowardly at heart. It's OK to pass judgement when safe in our bubbles, but when faced with a situation where we can act... most choose to turn aside rather than risk injury or even attention.

Structure wise, I think you did a good job. One thing I'd point out is the tendency to tell instead of showing, one of the most difficult hurdles that face a writer. For example:

"I saw the policeman make his second attempt, this time with more power to quench his brutal recreation. I felt blood rushing to my cheeks. I was swimming in a pool of anger."


No need to start with "I saw". The reader already knows you are the narrator, and anything you describe is what you saw. Here's a quick copy edit:

"The policeman made a second attempt, this time with more brute force to quench his macabre recreation. Blood heated my cheeks, I nearly drowned in a pool of fury."

If I did that right, it should show more than tell what's happening. Not too many changes, but it doesn't take much too much to spice up one's work. Just a few thoughts, I feel you did a fine job overall. Keep writing...

[Victor P Vigil Jr]

Wow I really like your style. You kept my attention the entire time. Do you write for television?

[Laura]

That was really good and had a lot of depth to it.

[No regret]

Too young to be raped. there is no age to be raped( i really don like this ) no hard feelings ,,, except that what u have written it happens .... great story n the way of writing is awesome...

[The Cute 1]

Her clothes were aggressively ragged and dirty, but still much tidier than the platform s**t she slept on. lol thats funny but overall its great

[Sweets]

Nice story...It's kinda sad, but great :D

[Jas Alejandrino Ramos]

sometimes people get so selfish bec. they love a certain person or thing that they don't want it to share or be free.......but anyways, its a good story you have there

[great writer of suspens..]

i like it, bro...this is the life i know...i spent 13 years in this life...makes u wonder what kind of people we are....makes u say, i'ld rather be an Avatar than a human.lol...but there can be no peace without war...no pleasure without pain....i dig the story...hope mine is as good to u. i just posted the prologue of the full length story a moment ago.