Part 1: Writing Style/An Introduction

I have written out a series of intros for the story, getting a feel for different writing styles. I want you guys to vote on which you most like. Opinions or advice on top of that is appreciated.

Test 1: (Simple/Dispassionate)

I see Neil on the other side of the room, wearing a kind grin. It sickens me. It is my grin, my face. He wears it confidently. His eyes glow faintly as moonlight passes through the adjacent window. They stare at me with compassion. Through closed lids, I stare back, unable to look away.

When will I fall asleep? I wonder.

“Perhaps you shouldn’t use the computer just before bed,” Neil says in my voice, a genuine voice.

I shed part of my blanket, allowing cool air from the nearby fan to pass over me. I am still warm. I imagine a woman embracing me. I feel her comforting warmth instead, putting me at ease. I reach for her hand find… nothing. Silent tears streak down my face.

“I suppose it’s one of those nights,” Neil says. “Companionship is never as far away as you think it is.”

I don’t feel better. I don’t feel worse.

Test 2: (Bit more complexity and emotion)

Defeated hate smoldered in Will as he stared at Neil through closed eyes. He waited for his moment of respite, but Neil’s soft smile kept him from drifting off completely.

“You know I’m not the issue,” Neil whispered. “I don’t have to tell you what caffeine after midnight can do, yet here we are.”

Will’s expression stayed cold, unbothered. He shed his comforter and allowed cool air from the overhead fan to brush over him. It was still too warm.

“An AC unit would do a better job. Just call the guy in the morning. You’ll have it in by the end of the week.”

Will imagined the heat came from a beautiful woman beside him. He reached over to her… nothing. She crawled over him, sliding her hands along his chest as her lips drew closer to his ear. Her heartbeat matched his own. Will heard her lips part, but they hesitated to speak. His face grew hot from the tears and swear and silence… silence.

“One day it will be real.”

Will didn’t feel better, or worse.

Test 3: (More casual)

It was 1 a.m. I think I told the story wrong. When I finished, she had looked away. Was she disinterested or uncomfortable? All she said was, “cool.” Maybe it was the way I told it. Was my tone too off? The mirror makes for a poor critic, at least as far as storytelling goes. Practice is cheap, the quality of the review reflects that.

“You didn’t really know her too well.”

The voice was kind, supportive. It didn’t stop me from wanting to silence it.

“This will simply be a lesson for next time. Subject matter counts. Start with the basics. A strong rapport can uplift even the dullest story.”

I turned over in my sheets. It had taken a lot to go to that party. I only really knew one person there.

“It’s a step in the right direction.”

Behind closed eyes I saw him sitting on the other side of the room, watching me, watching over me. Though the fan above buzzed along, I still felt stagnant sweat form over my body.

Tomorrow will be better. It certainly couldn’t be worse.

Test 4: (More experimental)

You look upon his face. The pale skin radiates under moonlight. It’s like looking in a mirror. For a moment, it’s almost as if those turquoise eyes reflect back at you. The reflection gives a soft smile. You do not. It is a peculiar expression.

It is a look utterly devoid of malice. Inhuman. You look upon it and think they are incapable of hate, fear, or any desire whatsoever to inflict pain on others. You wonder if it will ever fade and finally match your own face.

You sweat under the covers despite the loud buzzing of the nearby fan, but the other remains cool, calm. Just as they harbor no ill will toward the world, the world seems to disregard them. They do not look at the world at all. They only look at you.

And through closed eyes, all you can do is look back. Tomorrow will come and his will be the first face you see, as it always has been, ready to give to you his oppressive kindness, his eternally sickening optimism.

Perhaps it will be a better day, or perhaps not. Questions that bear repeating are hardly worth asking at all. You know the answer but both of you deny it.

You won’t feel better. You won’t feel worse.

© 2022 Christian Meffert

Author's Note

I want you guys to vote on which you most like. Opinions or advice on top of that is appreciated.

My Review

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Reviews

JayG

Okay, you asked for advice on which approach is best, so you have only yourself to blame for this. 😆

Just bear in mind that nothing I’m about to say has to do with talent or how well you write. Still, take a deep breath…

Here’s the thing: Were any of these three received in an agent or publisher’s office they would be rejected quickly.

Why? Because all three are written with the writing skills we were given in school, where we mistakenly believed that we learned to write, and so, can use those skills for whatever needs to be written.

But we can’t, because all those reports and essays you were assigned made you skilled at writing reports and essays—nonfiction. In reality, we learn not a damned thing about writing fiction, and leave our public education years exactly as ready to write fiction as to remove tonsils.

The thing we universally forget is that professions, and Fiction-Writing is a profession, are acquired in addition to the general skill set that readies us for employment.

Non-fiction informs the reader. A dispassionate narrator talks about the events in a voice the reader cannot hear, primarily in summation and overview. And that’s every bit as exciting as a history book. And who reads them for fun?

Because you lack the specialized knowledge of writing fiction, you’re falling into the usual, hopeful writer traps. And the first one is that because you already know the story, the characters, their mood and objectives BEFORE you begin reading, anything you forget to include will be automatically filled in as you read. So, it works…for you. But look at the stories as a reader must, because they’re missing critical information: who we are, where we are, and what’s going on.

• I see Neil on the other side of the room, wearing a kind grin.

What room? We could be in a prison, and be 75 years old. We could be in the children’s section of a library, or pretty much anwhere. You know. The unnamed “I” knows. Even Neil knows. The reader? Not a clue, because they lack context. And what is a “kind of” grin? If I knew why he's grinning I could apply personal experience and visualize. You know. But shouldn't the reader?

We don’t have a clue of where we are or why he would be grinning? Hell, he could be 9 or 90. And which it is, is important to the feel of the situation. Right?

• Defeated hate smoldered in Will as he stared at Neil through closed eyes.

How can this be meaningful if we don’t know what he was defeated at, why it caused hate, or, how you can stare at someone with your eyes closed. As it’s read, Will sounds like a really poor sport.

• It was 1 a.m. I think I told the story wrong.

Why does the time matter when we don’t know what’s going on? And what story was told wrong? This has meaning to you, but anyone else? Not a clue.

So, three openings, and they have one thing in common: We’re being told about events by someone who is reporting, not living the story. In all three, the approach is fact-based and author-centric. But fiction is emotion-based and character centric. Its goal, as E. L. Doctorow put it: “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.” And how much time did your teachers spend on how to do that? None, right.

So there’s your answer: Dig into the tricks the pros take for granted. For all we know you’re swimming in talent. But the man who has untrained talent has no advantage over the one with no talent. So, fix that, and…

The library’s fiction-writing section can be a huge help. Personally? I’d suggest starting with Dwight Swain’s, Techniques of the Selling Writer, which recently came out of copyright protection. It's the best I've found, to date, at imparting and clarifying the "nuts-and-bolts" issues of creating a scene that will sing to the reader. The address of an archive site where you can read or download it free is just below. Copy/paste the address into the URL window of any Internet page and hit Return to get there.

https://archive.org/details/TechniquesOfTheSellingWriterCUsersvenkatmGoogleDrive4FilmMakingBsc_ChennaiFilmSchoolPractice_Others

And if that proves a bit to advanced, look for Debra Dixon’s, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict. It’s another great book, though a bit limited compared to Dwight Swain’s. Still an ideal first book for younger authors.

And if an overview of some of the major issues would help, the articles in my WrodPress writing blog are based on the king of thing you’ll find in such a book.

So jump in. You’ll find that a few tricks can make a huge difference, and make the act of writing a lot more fun.

But…whatever you do, hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

Posted 2 Years Ago

Okay, you asked for advice on which approach is best, so you have only yourself to blame for this. 😆

Just bear in mind that nothing I’m about to say has to do with talent or how well you write. Still, take a deep breath…

Here’s the thing: Were any of these three received in an agent or publisher’s office they would be rejected quickly.

Why? Because all three are written with the writing skills we were given in school, where we mistakenly believed that we learned to write, and so, can use those skills for whatever needs to be written.

But we can’t, because all those reports and essays you were assigned made you skilled at writing reports and essays—nonfiction. In reality, we learn not a damned thing about writing fiction, and leave our public education years exactly as ready to write fiction as to remove tonsils.

The thing we universally forget is that professions, and Fiction-Writing is a profession, are acquired in addition to the general skill set that readies us for employment.

Non-fiction informs the reader. A dispassionate narrator talks about the events in a voice the reader cannot hear, primarily in summation and overview. And that’s every bit as exciting as a history book. And who reads them for fun?

Because you lack the specialized knowledge of writing fiction, you’re falling into the usual, hopeful writer traps. And the first one is that because you already know the story, the characters, their mood and objectives BEFORE you begin reading, anything you forget to include will be automatically filled in as you read. So, it works…for you. But look at the stories as a reader must, because they’re missing critical information: who we are, where we are, and what’s going on.

• I see Neil on the other side of the room, wearing a kind grin.

What room? We could be in a prison, and be 75 years old. We could be in the children’s section of a library, or pretty much anwhere. You know. The unnamed “I” knows. Even Neil knows. The reader? Not a clue, because they lack context. And what is a “kind of” grin? If I knew why he's grinning I could apply personal experience and visualize. You know. But shouldn't the reader?

We don’t have a clue of where we are or why he would be grinning? Hell, he could be 9 or 90. And which it is, is important to the feel of the situation. Right?

• Defeated hate smoldered in Will as he stared at Neil through closed eyes.

How can this be meaningful if we don’t know what he was defeated at, why it caused hate, or, how you can stare at someone with your eyes closed. As it’s read, Will sounds like a really poor sport.

• It was 1 a.m. I think I told the story wrong.

Why does the time matter when we don’t know what’s going on? And what story was told wrong? This has meaning to you, but anyone else? Not a clue.

So, three openings, and they have one thing in common: We’re being told about events by someone who is reporting, not living the story.  In all three, the approach is fact-based and author-centric. But fiction is emotion-based and character centric. Its goal, as E. L. Doctorow put it: “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”  And how much time did your teachers spend on how to do that? None, right.

So there’s your answer: Dig into the tricks the pros take for granted. For all we know you’re swimming in talent. But the man who has untrained talent has no advantage over the one with no talent. So, fix that, and…

The library’s fiction-writing section can be a huge help. Personally? I’d suggest starting with Dwight Swain’s, Techniques of the Selling Writer, which recently came out of copyright protection. It's the best I've found, to date, at imparting and clarifying the "nuts-and-bolts" issues of creating a scene that will sing to the reader. The address of an archive site where you can read or download it free is just below. Copy/paste the address into the URL window of any Internet page and hit Return to get there.

https://archive.org/details/TechniquesOfTheSellingWriterCUsersvenkatmGoogleDrive4FilmMakingBsc_ChennaiFilmSchoolPractice_Others

And if that proves a bit to advanced, look for Debra Dixon’s, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict. It’s another great book, though a bit limited compared to Dwight Swain’s. Still an ideal first book for younger authors.

And if an overview of some  of the major issues would help, the articles in my WrodPress writing blog are based on the king of thing you’ll find in such a book.

So jump in. You’ll find that a few tricks can make a huge difference, and make the act of writing a lot more fun.

But…whatever you do, hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

Rating /100