The Ringing of the Bellflowers - Part 2

We are introduced to our other two protagonists, Shizumi and Hikaru!

The sun continues to shine beautifully down upon the valley. It illuminates the river that flows through the mountains, causing it to sparkle as if instead of running water, the river held diamonds or shining stars. Eventually, the river passes under a small wooden bridge. It is old, and groans in protest as two young strangers begin to travel across. One is Hikaru, who walks with his hands in his pockets and a frown on his face. Hikaru is young, but held himself with the weariness of someone much older. His hair is a rich chestnut color, sticking up in odd places and obviously not combed. His right eyebrow has a small piercing and his surly expression perfectly advertises his bad tempered nature. He wears a black tee-shirt, which has many holes and rips, and black track pants. Through the tears in his clothing, a fair many scars can be seen, hinting at the old wounds you might find if you were to look closer. He trudges along with the demeanor of a man who has been walking too long, and with an aura of resentment that often forms when one does not enjoy the company they are traveling with. His companion however, seems to be enjoying herself immensely. Her name is Shizumi. And she appears to be enjoying the journey she is taking with her irritable comrade. A small smile dances playfully upon her lips, and she hums a delightful melody that she seems to be making up as she goes along. Of course, her contentment might be due to the fact that she does not have to walk as he does. She forgoes the usual mode of locomotion and instead, elects to fly. She floats along, sitting cross legged on a boat paddle, much like you imagine a halloween witch would sit upon a broomstick. Her long silver hair flows elegantly in the wind. And the silky white dress she wears makes her appear elegant and refined. She looks contemplatively down at a golden compass, seemingly the navigator of their pilgrimage. 

As the pair travels along, they eventually find themselves at the bottom of a small mountain. A sign next to the path pointed upwards and, though it was so weathered one could hardly believe it was standing at all, seemed to indicate that they would find some sort of shrine at the top. 

 “Ah! There it is!” Cried Shizumi, rearing herself up to come to a stop, as if she were riding a horse instead of an oar. “I told you we would find it!” 

“Yeah, I just wish we found it before we went around the world three times.” said Hikaru, stopping next to her and rolling his eyes. 

“Oh hush,” said Shizumi, dismissing him with a wave. “It wasn’t that bad!”

Hikaru, who had been bending down to inspect the sign more closely, shot up and glared bitterly at her.

“For you maybe! You get to ride around on that paddle! I just got my own two legs ya know. Shouldn't you be better at navigating being an all knowing spirit? I would think that…”

Hikaru kept on complaining, and Shizumi ignored him completely. She was used to his complaints by now. She snaps her fingers and the compass she held is immediately replaced with a small red book. She begins to flip through its pages, looking for some specific information held within.

“... and hey,” Continued Hikaru, motioning to the sign,  “how can you tell anything from this thing? It’s so damaged I can’t even make out any of the words”

Shizumi, still intensely thumbing through the book, mumbles something Hikaru can’t make out and continues turning pages. 

“What? Damn it, are you even listening to me?”

 “Ah Ha!” Shizumi exclaims triumphantly, landing on a page in the middle of the book. 

“Yes. This is her location. Momiko Furuya. Died of an illness at a young age. The poor thing.”

Hikaru rubs his face with his hands and droops his head. He lets out a long sigh, a mixture of annoyance and defeat.

“Whatever, let’s just kill it and get it over with.”

“No no no,” chided Shizumi. “Not this time.”

Hikaru's head jerks up from his hands, his face twisting into a particularly withering glare.

“Whaddya do you mean? She’s not a demon?”

“Nope.” said Shizumi, adjusting herself on her paddle, “Just a regular old ghost. Well, if you wanted to be specific you could classify her as a fixated ghost, but either way, no killing required.” Hikaru’s glare momentarily turned to a look of confusion, but quickly returned to its previous state.

“If there’s no killing then why the hell am I here?” 

Shizumi sighed. She swerved and positioned herself right in front of her disgruntled companion. “Because!” She began, straightening her back and pointing a finger at his face, "You’re great at fighting, but you have no experience as a guide! And if you want to be a spirit guide you sort of need to learn how to do that.”

Hikaru took a step back before quickly slapping Shizumi’s hand out of his face. “I don’t want to be a guide. I’m only doing this because I’m contractually obligated.”

Shizumi, unstartled by the affront, shrugged indignantly. 

“Well, that's not really my problem. I don’t care whether you want to do this or not. I just know that you could be pretty good at it. At least, if you actually tried. Now!” She excitedly exclaimed, before turning around and leaning forward on the boat paddle, “Let's get started!” She then began to fly as fast as she could up the mountain path. Before she completely disappeared over the bend, Hikaru could hear her shout over her shoulder,  “Last one there’s a rotten potato!”

Hikaru scowl deepend into an expression of such displeasure, it could have curdled milk. He bawled hands into fists and shoved them deeper into his pockets. 

"It’s rotten egg, Idiot.” He mumbles under his breath before digging his heel into the dirt and slowly trudging up the mountain. Hikaru had never wanted this job. Extenuating circumstances had forced him into his current position under Shizumi’s watch. This “Spirit guide” business had always annoyed him. He was fine with killing demons and monsters. He was used to that. But guiding? He wasn’t cut out for something like that. He could hardly guide himself down the right path, how in the hell was he supposed to help anyone else see the light?

Author's Note

Please let me know you like and what I can improve!

Reviews

[_rabbitofhabit (1word)]

This will be a quick and sloppy review. Sorry, especially if that makes any grammar in this review poor or any bit hard to interpret. Also, I can't believe you added this so long ago and I'm only seeing it now.

I am writing this as I read.




First, this reads like a movie script to me. Very good. The imagery is great, and I like the expression of the waters sparkling like diamonds. I also like the description of Hikaru's appearance, as well as his demeanor/the way in which he carries himself. Even more so, I like the pair of lines:

“Hikaru is young, but held himself with the weariness of someone much older.”

and

“Through the tears in his clothing, a fair many scars can be seen, hinting at the old wounds you might find if you were to look closer.”

To me, these two lines put together correspond to say that he is young but has had a tough life and has emotional scars in his background. If this is the case, I admire how you have the physical metaphor to show this part of his character. To show that he is tough but that if you look beneath the thin layer of his front, you can see the toll his toughness has on him. Again, I may be reading too much into this, but if this is your intention, GREAT metaphor usage and please keep it up as I feel this kind of writing is the hallmark of a genius author. Similar usage can be found in the works of some of the greatest authors; for instance, George R. R. Martin.




“And she hums a delightful melody that she seems to be making up as she goes along.” --that's funny.




“She forgoes the usual mode of locomotion and instead, elects to fly.” --I just want to say I like the wording of that sentence a lot.




“She floats along, sitting cross legged on a boat paddle, much like you imagine a halloween witch would sit upon a broomstick.” --Good description. But, you know, I've always imagined that to be uncomfortable. Also, I think “halloween” should be capitalized.




Side note, you seem to have a good vocabulary.




You might answer this later, but how old is Shizumi?




“Cried Shizumi, rearing herself up to come to a stop, as if she were riding a horse instead of an oar." --I like that.




‘“Yeah, I just wish we found it before we went around the world three times.” said Hikaru, stopping next to her and rolling his eyes.’ Here, the word "said" should be capitalized.

“Oh hush,” said Shizumi, dismissing him with a wave. “It wasn’t that bad!” I think that here, the word said is being overused. So far as the readers know, this scene contains only two characters. Therefore, when one stops speaking, but another quotation of dialogue is read, we immediately assume the other character has begun to fill the silence. So, you don’t need to say, “said Shizumi,” because it is a given that she is the one who said it. This portion might read better if it, instead, read something like:

“Oh hush!” Shizumi dismisses him with a wave. “It wasn’t that bad!”

This is, of course, entirely your choice.




“For you maybe! You get to ride around on that paddle! I just got my own two legs ya know. Shouldn't you be better at navigating being an all knowing spirit? I would think that…"

I think the grammar might me a little more correct if some commas were added to this portion of the piece. Something like:

“For you, maybe! You get to ride around on that paddle! I just got my own two legs, ya know. Shouldn't you be better at navigating, being an all-knowing spirit? I would think that…"

I do not think, however, that this is a devastatingly-needed alteration; just a possible alternative.




"Hikaru kept on complaining, and Shizumi ignored him completely." --That's funny. One of the best parts of media is subtle humor. You seem to have that skill down.




I feel the that in the line, "She begins to flip through its pages, looking for some specific information held within,” you don’t need to include the part, “looking for some specific information held within,” since it is very obvious that she is doing this.




“... and hey,” Continued Hikaru, motioning to the sign, “how can you tell anything from this thing? It’s so damaged I can’t even make out any of the words”

In this part, the word “continued” should have a lower-case “c”. There is also an extra space between “sign,” and “how”. As for the part, “It’s so damaged I can’t even make out any of the words,” this is just like when you said, “looking for some specific information held within”. The audience already knows that the sign is damaged and so it is unnecessary to outright remind them of this. However, if you do choose to keep this sentence in, you will need to finish it off with either an exclamation mark or a period.




"...intensely thumbing through the book"--nice description




“Ah Ha!” Shizumi exclaims triumphantly, landing on a page in the middle of the book.
“Yes. This is her location. Momiko Furuya. Died of an illness at a young age. The poor thing.”

If both are Shizumi is saying both these things, I do not think the second line should be (for lack of a better word) enter-buttoned.




“Nope.” said Shizumi, adjusting herself on her paddle, “Just a regular old ghost. Well, if you wanted to be specific you could classify her as a fixated ghost, but either way, no killing required.” Hikaru’s glare momentarily turned to a look of confusion, but quickly returned to its previous state.

That first period should be changed to a comma. I think another comma should be added between “specific” and “you”.




“If there’s no killing then why the hell am I here?”

I think a comma might need to be added between “killing” and “then”.




"a particularly withering glare." --Nice wording




“And if you want to be a spirit guide you sort of need to learn how to do that.”

I think a comma might need to be added between “guide” and “you”.




Hikaru scowl deepend into an expression of such displeasure, it could have curdled milk. He bawled hands into fists and shoved them deeper into his pockets.

An apostrophied s should be added to “Hikaru” so it read “Hikaru’s scowl…”
Also, I think deepend is a misspelling of deepened.




“Hikaru had never wanted this job. Extenuating circumstances had forced him into his current position under Shizumi’s watch. This “Spirit guide” business had always annoyed him. He was fine with killing demons and monsters. He was used to that. But guiding? He wasn’t cut out for something like that. He could hardly guide himself down the right path, how in the hell was he supposed to help anyone else see the light?”

All this was made clear in the dialogue. As such, it does not need to be restated in the final paragraph.




Overall, I like this piece. Well done. It has subtle humor, nice introductory imagery, a good character dynamic, a great metaphor (and I do love when authors use every detail to give more information about the story, as I think you did through Hikaru’s described appearance), and an overall welcoming and somewhat refreshing writing-styled. What I mean is that you almost make it seem as though the narrator is a friend who has documented this scene for you.




To close, I want to point out that it seems there are 34 of us waiting for part three.