The Ringing of the Bellflowers - Part 1

Introducing the hyperactive Ryo and the unexcitable Momiko!

A winding river crawls its way through the valleys of a mountain range. It moves slowly, quietly searching for a destination which at this point is unknown, but will inevitably be some ocean far, far away. It burbles and sings, creating a gentle mist which covers the grasses and wildflowers with dew. The last of the moonlight bounces off the drops of water, causing the dew to shine as if It were stars, before the sun inevitably chases it away. The rays of sunlight eventually reveal a small house tucked between the mountains and nestled in one of the lower valleys. At first glance, the house seems worn and run-down. It is obvious that it has been fighting the elements for a long time, and has been wounded by its long battle. However, upon closer inspection, one would find that each bit of damage has been well repaired. Every crack has been filled, Every deterioration mended. Despite all that it's been through, the house is still standing strong and proud. Perhaps the house feels grateful for all the care it has been given throughout the years, and is determined to remain a safe haven for those who live inside. Though, perhaps we should not dwell on the thoughts and feelings of houses.

It is a serene view; the cozy house hidden in the shadow of the mountain, is finally revealed by the morning sun, the only sounds the rustling of the wind, and chirping of small birds. Although, given the occupants of this house, it isn't likely things will stay quiet for long.

“Bye, Mom!”, shouts a small boy as he runs out the door. 

“Ryo!” his mother shouts back, exasperated with her hyperactive son,“Get back here! You haven’t finished your chores!” But it was too late. The boy had already escaped the house and made it halfway down the road. 

“Tsk.” She puts her hands on her hips and turns to an old woman, who is quietly knitting in a chair by the fireplace. “You know, this is your fault, Mom. Filling his head with all those stories.”

“Just because you don't believe it, doesn’t mean it's not true.” the old woman replied with a small smile.

“It would have been fine if you’d just kept them to yourself. Why’d you have to tell him? Ryo’s just a kid. He’ll believe anything you say.” 

“He’s the one who told me about the things he sees. I didn’t tell him anything he wouldn't have figured out by himself.” The mother heaved a sigh and shook her head. She knew it was pointless to fight, but she couldn’t help but want to berate her mother for teaching her son about such senile fantasies. I mean, seeing ghosts? It was nothing but useless nonsense. 

As the new dawn flooded into the mountain range, a green hillside was bathed once again in warm sunlight. A small, time-worn shrine stands at the very top of the hill, its wooden frame, pale and weathered. It is obvious that it has fallen into disuse. Across from the path and away from the shrine sits a little girl.  Her semi-transparent body sits perfectly still, staring straight ahead at the rolling hills and valleys surrounding her. Though the scenery from where she sits is beautiful, her expression is vacant, as if she is not aware of her surroundings at all. The sunlight, which has been making its way towards her, finally reaches her feet. Her form wavers for a moment, but quickly stabilizes. There aren't many who still visit the old shrine. Only the elders who still remember the shrine's location will occasionally stop by to pray. However, the people who make their way up the mountain will not be able to see the small girl. She remains completely ignored by all those who stop by. Except for one. 

“Momiko!” Ryo shouts at her from aways down the mountain path. His brown hair bounces up and down as he bounds towards her. “Momiko! Momiko, look what I brought you!” She turns her head towards him, still expressionless. Ryo reaches her and stops to catch his breath. After a moment, he extends both hands towards her, offering a small seedling. “You see? It's a bellflower seedling, Momiko!” She stares blankly at the plant, then looks back up at Ryo. “I thought we could plant it here on your hill, Momiko! That way, you can watch it grow!” Ryo pauses for a moment to study her face for a reaction. Finding nothing, He decides to ask. “So? Do you like it?” The girl takes her time studying the plant, and Ryo waits patiently. Finally she looks at him and nods. Ryo looks overjoyed. “Com'on, then! Let’s plant it together!”

Each and every day, without fail, Ryo brought Momiko a new seedling to plant. Bellflowers, Hydrangeas, Iris’, Chrysanthemums, camellias, violets; any flower or seedling he could get his hands on, he brought up the hill to her. He planted them all around where Momiko sat, so that any way she was looking, she could always see them, and watch them grow. To an outsider, it might seem that Momiko was indifferent to this change. After all, whatever flower he bought to her, her vacant expression never seemed to waver. However, Ryo could tell that whatever face Momoko made, she really loved having the flowers and watching them grow. He could tell by her eyes. For as the hill filled up with more and more flowers, so did her eyes seem to shine more and more. Once, he brought a cherry tree sapling to plant next to the old shrine, and he could swear that he almost saw the corners of her lips curl up, just a bit.

Author's Note

Any feedback is welcome! Please tell me what you like and what I can improve. Thank you so much!

Reviews

[_rabbitofhabit (1word)]

Sentence:
The last of the moonlight bounces off the drops of water, causing the dew to shine as if It were stars, before the sun inevitably chases it away.

Change to something like:
The last of the moonlight bounces off the drops of water, causing the dew to shine as a score of stars, before the one that solely lights the day chased its gleam away.

Reason:
“It” should not be capitalized, but you could leave it the way it is other than that. However, there is something slightly uncomfortable in the phrasing “as if it were stars.” Just doesn’t roll of the tongue right, in my opinion.


Sentence:
Every crack has been filled, Every deterioration mended.

Change to something like:
Every crack has been filled, every deterioration mended.

Reason:
‘Every’ should not be capitalized here.


Sentence:
It is a serene view; the cozy house hidden in the shadow of the mountain, is finally revealed by the morning sun, the only sounds the rustling of the wind, and chirping of small birds.

Opinion:
The sentence is a bit long and wordy, but I like it very much. You might want to change it, or break it into two sentences, which may make it easier to follow for younger readers, but it is very nicely said either way.


Sentence:
“Ryo!” his mother shouts back, exasperated with her hyperactive son,“Get back here! You haven’t finished your chores!”

Change to something like:
“Ryo!” His mother shouts back, exasperated with her hyperactive son, “Get back here! You haven’t finished your chores!”

Reason:
I think, not sure but think, the word ‘his’ should be capitalized after an exclamation point in this case. ALSO, a space IS NEEDED between ‘son’ and ‘get.’


Sentence:
“Just because you don't believe it, doesn’t mean it's not true.” the old woman replied with a small smile.

Change to something like:
“Just because you don't believe it, doesn’t mean it's not true,” the old woman replied with a small smile.

Reason:
I think this is the correct way to grammar it.


Extra Comments:

The sentence, “As the new dawn flooded into the mountain range, a green hillside was bathed once again in warm sunlight” is very beautiful. I just wanted to say good job for wording it that way!

The imagery of, “The sunlight, which has been making its way towards her, finally reaches her feet,” is incredible! Very well done! Great aesthetic.

In addition, the name "Momiko" might mean something beautiful, but Enlgish speakers may laugh at it since it has the word "mom" in it.

Also, I really like the title.


Final Thoughts:
I’m curious as to what happens next. I think it has potential! Also, it sounds like a movie script rather than a story, the way you wrote it. Have you considered turning it to a script and getting it turned to a show?

Uses great imagery. Very good!

[Marztothemoon]

Thank you so much for your advice! I'll definitely think about changing the wording and making sure all my grammar is corrected. I'll also have to think about the name. It is supposed be be pronounced as mo-mi-ko. I didn't really think about how people could read it as mom-iko! Thank you so much for reviewing! I definitely have some things to edit! I hope that once i post the new chapter you'll review that one too? I'm benefiting a lot from your advice!