chapter two maybe

    Throughout the days following Daddy,s leaving us we waited. We waited for some sense of normalcy to return, some sort of routine though it would never be the same surely if we were all still enough and waited patiently enough what we were supposed to do next would inevietably revele itself to us.

    And while my sister and I waited for this revelation to occur our mother warred silently with the very air surronding us. Her previously light and fluid manner was replaced with an intensity that terrified us both. Don"t get me wrong she directed none of this toward me or my sister. We were terrified of the of the change that had come over one of the most constant things in our lives. though always agile and confident her movements now were punctuated with a silent but almost tangible force. Her once melodious voice now only whispered under her breathe words we could'nt quite catch but the tone was unmistakable it was calm, steady and terrifyingly provokiing as if she were daring something to hear and answer her. She pulsated with something that at the time terrified me even more because of my lack of ability to identify it, but now I realize it was rage. Rage at the audacity that my father could be so easily taken from her. I had never thought of my mother as formidable in nature but I realize now that had she been aware of any threat to her little famiily this gentle almost childlike woman would have waged a merciless war on whatever had the courage to cross her path. And her lack of opprotunity to defend what was hers had left her cheated and this offense added to the anguish of her grief was building inside her to the point she would call the gods down to rage against for this. If they were only brave enough to answer her challenge.

    Soon enough my sister and I realized that the mother that we had known was not coming back. As the days passed her attention to our needs faded. We soon both became familiar with the mundane tasks we had never realized we're nessecary to our lives. The food that had always been prepared for us, the washing and cleaning we'd never thought of before now went unattended as our mother slipped further and further into her own self.

Late one night after Clara and I had finished with one of Clara's new concotions which was really just a mixture of cooked and raw vegetables since niether of us was ready to face the dirty work required for a dinner that included one of our chickens. We had washed up and Clara headed to bed while I lingured in the kitchen wondering where our mother might be. She had started to get missing more and more every day. But she always returned never with an explanation of where she had been, leaving me more worried I think than if she hadn't returned. The wandering was what was killing me. Constant worry had become a ever present knot curled tight in my stomache. At times the only words I could hear in my own head were Mama, mama, mama. I guess part of me believed if I called to her even in silence enough, my mother who was hidden in this stranger now masquerading as her would hear me.

    As I paced my small feet around our rough wood floors I came to our kitchen window looking out into the pitch darkness that the vibrant green of the forest surrounding us gave way to after the sunset behind our mountian and as I peered into the pulsing black that was usually more comforting than it sounds a movement amongst the trees caught my attention. Squinting my eyes try and narrow down the exact place I had seen whatever was prowling tonight thinking maybe a deer or opposum was slinking through the night. I stared harder and harder into night beginning to wonder if maybe I had only imagined it, when the moonlight breaking through the cloudy skys caught up the unmistakable glint of what seemed like silver wind as it whipped through the trees darting further into the blackness.

Author's Note

not sure about this need honest opinion

Reviews

[James Watts]

It is rough, same as before punctuation and spelling, but that is why there are 2nd, 3rd, 4th, however many drafts you need for polishing. As with the first chapter I enjoyed the read. The story still has the air of truth behind it and that feeling of nostalgia. Yes, it is a bit short, but that's not a real issue. The story has so much potential it's bursting with it. I am not saying that just to be suck-up either. I truly mean it. Once you have this polished I think you will have one niece piece of work here. And trust me, I am not the best on grammar and spelling either lol. I constantly refer to any resource necessary to help me edit. Nice work.

[Kasey Klein]

we'll talk

[Rick Puetter]

Dear Mary,

There is definitely interesting content here. And you have a nice style. But the piece is not yet "cooked", and I'm not just saying that the writing needs going over. I have the sense that you don't exactly know where this is going. One sign of this is the shortness of the chapter and its abrupt ending. It's like you ran out of story. Do you have a story outline? From the way you write, it seems you know who the characters are. If you don't have an outline, I would work on that first. Once you have that, the story will almost write itself. Next, I would write a number of chapters, say 5 to 10. Then I'd go back and rewrite them. Having a significant piece of the story down will allow you to go back and fill in details. You can also correct grammar. Read your story over slowly to yourself a number of times. You'll be amazed at how many changes and improvements you'll make. Then start posting the first chapters. Also having rewritten the first chapters over a few times will give you a better base for going forward. Then move ahead and repeat this procedure. That will make the story come out strong and natural.

Best regards. And I agree with other reviewers. This looks like it has lots of potential.

Rick

[Griffin Hill]

STRUCTURE
• Spelling: needs work
• Grammar: needs work
• Consistent Tense: ok
• Passive Voice: a bit.
• Showing/Telling: needs to show more.
• Pacing: seems to move along but ends suddenly; where is this story going? What’s its message?
• Suddenn Shifts: peering into the forrest; why? What’s out there?
• Description: good, but not as solid as CH1. Maybe that’s just because this chapter doesn’t have the underlying structure that CH1 had. It doesn’t seem to be going anywhere.
• Excessive Exposition: Telling.
• Vocabulary/Repetiion/Word Choice: a bit of repetition; check for synonyms for word choice.

INITIAL IMPRESSION
Beginning (Does it draw the reading in? At first, but then drifts and you begin to feel lost. But maybe that plays into the theme of the characters being lost after the loss of their father. This could work.
(action, dialogue, description, etc.).

SCENE
Setting: I don’t have a good sense of where I am in this chapter.
Character: still good characterizations; especially Mama’s decaying mood.
Problem/Obstacle: Loss, but no resolution in this chapter; maybe that comes later?
Motivation: The kids are motivated to understand what is wrong.
Resolution: none.

CHARACTER
• Character Development: It’s building we’re learning more about Mama and the children. Clara came on the scene rather suddenly. I’d introduce her in Ch 1. And the sudden reference to Mama being “...gentle almost childlike.” Doesn’t sound like the same Mama in CH1 to me.
• Continuity: Mama from Mama CH1 (above).
• Dialogue: none. Still think you work could benefit from dialogue. We need to hear these chracters speak. Are they educated in their speech or ‘woodsy’; who are they?
• Most Compelling Character & why: Mama still captivates me; what motivates her. What are her fears; why is she so fragile and yet so strong.
• Least Compelling Character & why: Clara (where did she come from so suddenly) and sadly no description of her at all.

PLOT: Missing.
• Exposition
• Rising Action
• Climax
• Falling Action
• Denouement

• Did any plot shifts pleasantly surprise you? I couldn’t tell where chapter was going
• Did you feel lost at any point? para 4 - “As I placed my small feet...”; this is a rough reference to the age of the narrator which made me realize that from reading CH1 and CH2 I have no idea the age of the narrator. Is this an adult narrator looking back or a present tense narrator telling the story as it unfolds?
• Plausible? Emotions are very plausible, but not knowing what the plot is, that’s difficult to say.

OVERALL IMPRESSION
Strengths
• Favorite Passage: “...our mother warred silently with the very air surrounding us.”; Beautiful.
• Passage felt most present: none.

Weaknesses
• Least Favorite Passage: Para 4; where’ it going?

Still great description, but his CH lacks the emotional energy and flowing descriptions of the first and to me has no apparent plot. Also lacking scene which was so strong in the first installment.

[An owl on the moon]

There is such a depth of emotion here.. truly feels like a page from a personal journal... Beautifully rich with description, you convey a life of loss... of overwhelming darkness...

[Blackdragon]

agreed with jason... some grammatical errors sure.. but yeah the piece seems natural.. good work is all i can say...

[Mason]

Very noticeable errors in spelling, grammar, and diction, but, as James stated, "that is why there are 2nd, 3rd, 4th, however many drafts you need for polishing."
The good news is that you've got the right idea and know where you're going with us, and so does the reader. Also, while some errors in diction occur, overall, it's very good.