The Water

This kind of sounds like a screen play. Dont give up on this!

Posted 13 Years Ago

Great story. I was very moved by it. A few suggestions, other than the obvious grammar, spelling that needs to be corrected.

Your story doesn’t really begin until para 6; I’d cut everything before that; it’s just backstory and does nothing to move the story along. That’s not to say that you can’t weave those ideas/emotions back into the story, but I would not start there. Start with the story and it begins at para 6.

You have some wonderful descriptions here. I could see it all and it really drew me in. GREAT JOB. You obviously have a knack for wonderfully descriptive characterizations. I am reminded of Mary Karr.

I think your story, as much as it is telling (which is okay and more engaging than most); you could really benefit by more showing us the action of the scenes. Let the reader experience it. Maybe throw in a little dialogue so we can get into the other character’s heads too. Mama, Daddy & Aaron. Speaking of Aaron, why is he there? He doesn’t seem to move the story along. He is introduced and boom, he’s dead. The flashback when your Daddy is laid out the same way is the only reason I can see for Aaron in the story, but how much does that really move the story along. You could still ref Uncle Aaron at the end and it would make as much sense.

So here’s my detail (for what it’s worth):

STRUCTURE
• Spelling: a few problems, easily corrected
• Grammar: lot’s of run-on sentences; reword those and break them out into simpler statements.
• Consistent Tense: It jumps around a few times.
• Passive Voice: quite a lot; Passive constructions are easy to spot. Look for a form of “to be” (is, are, am , was, were, has been, have been, had been, will be, will have been, being) followed by a past participle. (The past participle is a form of the verb that typically, but not always, ends in “-ed.” Some exceptions to the “-ed” rule are words like “paid” (not “payed”) and “driven.” (not “drived”). Here’s a sure-fire formula for identifying the passive voice:

form of “to be” + past participle = passive voice

The passive voice refers to the subject receiving the action; the active voice refers to the subject doing the action. While the passive voice is perfectly acceptable in formal writing, it may not effectively persuade the reader. In modern society, people are often convinced by facts; the active voice sounds more like a fact, or a certainty.
• Showing/Telling: More showing would really help balance your wonderfully descriptive characterizations.
• Pacing: pretty good.
• Suddenn Shifts: I think a couple of scenes, particularly if you develop them more might benefit from a double-break just to help the reader understand the time has passed. For example: between para 9 & 10; and 12 &13.
• Description: I loved your descriptions, very nicely done.
• Excessive Exposition: nope
• Vocabulary/Repetiion/Word Choice: I loved your word choice.

INITIAL IMPRESSION
Beginning (Does it draw the reading in? not at first, but by the 6th para I was hooked.
(action, dialogue, description, etc.). I think more dialogue would help the piece and get us inside the other characters.

SCENE
Setting: Wonderful; I could almost taste it.
Character: excellent; but as said I think more dialogue would help
Problem/Obstacle: maybe this needs more focus, you had a few. I guess the timber rattler was the biggest.
Motivation: I think there’s room to get the reader inside why Mama was ‘softer’ her background; Why Daddy was so ‘rough’ and his background.
Resolution: Daddy died. Sad. I have to question though, is a timber rattler bite usually fatal. Did Daddy have other health issues. I hesitated to buy death by rattler. I live and grew up in Texas and I’ve never heard of anyone dying from a snake bite; suffered terribly, but never died. So that line gives me pause.

CHARACTER
• Character Development: WOW! Wonderful.
• Continuity: Good. But some of the transitions could be clearer.
• Dialogue: none.
• Most Compelling Character & why: Mama; well we know her probably better than everyone else but the narrator. I wanted to know more about her; lots of questions came up in my mind. Seems like so many pioneer Mama’s I’ve known in my own family and I’ve always admired how they did it and kept it all together in such rough circumstances.
• Least Compelling Character & why: Uncle Aaron. Why was he there? He seemed to just come on the scene, then promptly die with a brief reference back to him in the last paragraph.

PLOT: I think you covered it all pretty well.
• Exposition
• Rising Action
• Climax
• Falling Action
• Denouement

• Did any plot shifts pleasantly surprise you? Well, it wasn’t pleasant, but I was not expecting the rattler and Daddy dying.
• Did you feel lost at any point? First five paragraphs. All backstory, didn’t understand why I needed to know all this.
• Plausible? Definitely.

OVERALL IMPRESSION
Strengths: Description. Spot-on. Wonderful.
• Favorite Passage: several: “...every instinct that pumps through my blood.”; “Daddy built it strong, but Mama softened it into a home.”; “...my tendency to fall into the spotlight.”; “...removed, but intent on all that I had witnessed.”; “...waving banner that my father should he be looking down wouldn’t be able to miss.”
• Passage felt most present: “...(rattler) showed him no mercy striking him twice...”

Weaknesses
• Least Favorite Passage(s): First 5 paragraphs to me just don’t belong.

I want to read more. Keep them coming.

Posted 14 Years Ago

This is a nice story, a true story it sounds. I see a few places where there are some grammar errors: missing punctuation, misspellings and such, but once you do you final edit that will fix those problems. Look at me, I never post anything but roughs lol. So I know there tons of errors in what I have posted here. There is a lot more telling than showing. This is going to be a grand novel, it sounds that way to me, just try and show us a little, a little more imagery. You have the workings of one of those stories that we can all connect to. I was a country boy by birth, born in Birmingham, Alabama and I can already tell this would be a book that I would read primarily because I can connect with it. Overall, Not bad.

Posted 14 Years Ago