Passion from the love Pyramid

When you think you finally picked the right guy and then life hits you, 'oh wait! s**t! his not right for me' but too late, he already beat you and left bruises on your chin and pain along your body

The sudden strike on her back

Reverberated across the room

Time stilled. She froze

Her soul glared her body out of feeling

As numbness surged through her.

The rhythm of the beating slit at her throat.

Surrendering her to silence.

For the tears in her eyes had unwillingly turned cold

A sad angry song bellowed from the pieces of broken bottle-

 

She hit back

Her desire to protect herself dared fear out of her

The need taking her deeper than the thorns from his hands

And yet her strength was nothing

Compared to his vast one

Laughter rippled through her

Propelled by the realization of emptiness and regret

For she had wholeheartedly picked a piece of hurt

From the love pyramid

 

 

 

Author's Note

thank you for reading friends

Reviews

[Glen Weimann]

Hi Mary. I was browsing WC and I saw this title, which sort of intrigued me in!

I think this really packs a punch. I love the way she's laughing hollow laughs at how this man she thought she'd chosen well has turned out to be so violent and horrible. I think you describe very well her shock from being struck. It's sad, it's awful, it shouldn't happen.

My reservations, therefore, are more about tiny fine-tuning rather than anything to disrupt the powerful flow and force of your writing; it comes down to word choice. I would probably look at about a dozen words or short groups of words here and there, behind that are impressions of what I think you want to describe vs what the words may convey to some readers.

So for example, Numbness splashed over .... I get the bottle and liquid thing, but it feels more as though numbness coursed or surged through her, i.e. more visceral. Splashing feels a bit too light, at least to me. However, I appreciate that if it's acid or similar it's a very different story.

I could mention a few more, but you haven't sought a detailed edit, and it's just my impression. Overall, as I say, this is a very impactful poem, and I feel for the woman it describes. If you want my detailed comments, similar to the numbness one, I'm happy to do so, but I really don't want to detract from a fine and harrowing tale. Funnily enough, BBC had 2 programmes last night where the drama included extreme violence by a man on a woman, and it's just obviously so wrong. Maybe that's why this piece 'hit' home so well.

Best regards
Nigel

[Mary Helda]

Thank you so much Mr. Newman, this review is quite insightful and of course i would really love it if you gave it a detailed edit

[Glen Weimann]

Interestingly 2nd time around it's not a dozen - it's 2 or 3. And again I'm struck by its 'impactfulness'. OK
- final line of V1; it's obviously not the broken bottle that sings the sad songs - the breaking of the bottle causes the sad songs. I'm being literal here, but something like 'sad angry song - testament to the ....' or 'brought on by ...' or 'wrung from her by pieces ...'
- Compared to his vast one ... this just doesn't sit well. Nobody says his 'one strength'. Why not leave it as 'compared to his', i.e. drop the 'vast one'
- Laughter rippled through her. Maybe add 'Bitter' at the start, and possible change it to 'Bitter laughter taunted her'
- 'Piece'. You have pieces twice, for the broken bottle and for the hurt at the end of V2. Maybe change one? The V1 one, for example, could be 'shard'. The V2 has even richer potential - it could be she picked a 'lifetime' of hurt, or destiny, or future, etc etc. Quite a lot of scope there, I'd say
- Finally 'wholeheartedly'. I love the idea that she chose with conviction, with sureness. She'd checked him over to some degree and had no inkling he might be violent. So I get 'wholeheartedly' and honestly can't think of anything better, but still it feels a slightly clunky word to use. One way might be to spell out the elements, e.g. 'she had joyfully, lovingly, foolishly, naively, unwittingly, picked ...' but that feels too drawn out and laboured. So I like the single word that shouts THIS IS THE MAN I WANT, and wholeheartedly does that. But somewhere out there, Mary, I suspect there's an even better single word.

Just to repeat - I'm not expecting you to change anything. When I get edit feedback, I sometimes change words, but mainly it goes into my sub-conscious to hopefully incorporate those considerations next time ... if I agree with them! This remains a highly effective poem with a LOT of impact, talking about a very bad person doing very bad things. Again - good work!

[Mary Helda]

Oh wow!!! i am actually going to edit it because seeing it from your perspective, it will make a better impact if i changed a few things here and there. Thank you so much, you have given me an exceedingly great deal of help

[richieb]

Well written poem about a very disturbing subject. I hope young women can learn and protect themselves from your words. When I was a child I witnessed physical violence in my parents marriage. I will always be affected by it. Thank you for the courage to write this poem.
I have not corresponded with you in some time. I hope you are doing well in school and are happy and at Peace in God's Love!
Many Blessings,
Richie b.

[Great Aunt Astri]

I don't think you should make all the changes that Ngel suggests. I quite liked 'numbness splashed over her'. The word 'surge' is over-used and a bit of a cliché. Splash does give a visual sense of the numbness that came over her. And I am glad you kept the repetition of 'Pieces' . I think it juxtaposes, very effectively, the image of ' pieces of broken bottle' with ' a piece of hurt From the love pyramid'. And 'wholeheartedly', pictorially is definitely the right word to use. While it is good to listen to the advice of others, I think one has to use one own intuition of what is best.

[Great Aunt Astri]

Yes, unfortunately woman are the weaker sex. But we are brighter and more intelligent .. but it is best to let the males think they are top boss. They say that behind every successful man there is a woman.

[Mary Helda]

of course. you are quite right about that aunty. thank you so much

[mou]

it is written in a very beautiful way that makes me read it again and again..and the realization is even more worst than that one..because it is own mistake and still tears are compelled to flow in an unconditional way for that wrong one..a heart touching one..love to add it in my library..

[Mary Helda]

i am sorry for the late reply my dear, thank you so much for your honest reviwe

[Diamond]

This poem brings me tears. Unless one has not seen how unloved they can be, they may not realize what the universal love is. Amazing write.

[Mary Helda]

Thank you so much Queen

[Sami Khalil]

The title is unique and marvelous. The poem is waiting to be discovered in its place and time. The love, hurt, picking up the pieces of the painful past. Very powerful...:::)))

[Mary Helda]

Thank you my friend for the wonderful review

[Sami Khalil]

You are welcome muchly. ...z::::)))

[Emily]

Lovely poem!
Keep it up!!

[Mary Helda]

thank you so much Emily

[Coyote Poetry]

Powerful and sad story told in the poetry.
"Propelled by the realization of emptiness and regret
For she had wholeheartedly picked a piece of hurt
From the love pyramid"
Life take us good or bad places. Sometime we are safe and sometime we must defend ourselves. Thank you Mary for sharing your amazing poetry and thoughts.
Coyote

[Mary Helda]

Thank you muchly my dear friend

[Sami Khalil]

You are welcome. ....::::))))

[Coyote Poetry]

You are welcome Mary.