Mary I've only just got to this in my RR. Wow! Very powerful. Very pictorial. Very moving.
As always I have suggestions and comments
- cuting - I think you probably mean cutting
- personally I think it would read better and finish more powerfully if you deleted the last line; maybe even add a couple of extra 'came' lines, such as peace, freedom, etc. These would add to the rhythm of the closing stanza, whereas the one line finish, to me, seemed too obvious and unnecessary and sort of broke the spell.
Back to the poem; there are some fabulous lines, for example
- happiness tripped over his sadness and fell
- he wined and dined with flies ...
This is very, very powerful writing, Mary.
Posted 8 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
7 Years Ago
i can not believe i have actually just seen this right now after all this while. i apologize. thank .. read morei can not believe i have actually just seen this right now after all this while. i apologize. thank you so much and i have redone it and i hope it is much better. i appreciate it
Mary I've only just got to this in my RR. Wow! Very powerful. Very pictorial. Very moving.
As always I have suggestions and comments
- cuting - I think you probably mean cutting
- personally I think it would read better and finish more powerfully if you deleted the last line; maybe even add a couple of extra 'came' lines, such as peace, freedom, etc. These would add to the rhythm of the closing stanza, whereas the one line finish, to me, seemed too obvious and unnecessary and sort of broke the spell.
Back to the poem; there are some fabulous lines, for example
- happiness tripped over his sadness and fell
- he wined and dined with flies ...
This is very, very powerful writing, Mary.
Posted 8 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
7 Years Ago
i can not believe i have actually just seen this right now after all this while. i apologize. thank .. read morei can not believe i have actually just seen this right now after all this while. i apologize. thank you so much and i have redone it and i hope it is much better. i appreciate it
This was an exceptionally beautiful poem. I loved it.
"His eyes were the epitome of grave. So hollow, So lost. no tears,no light" it is so sad that children have to live this way.this poem was really very moving
Posted 8 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
8 Years Ago
Yes,it is indeed so sad..thank you so much,,i really do aporeciate it
Africa and around the world. You have put a vision on paper that some will say is not real, but it is all too real. Thank you for sharing a vision that needs to be witnessed around the world. Then change it.
How monumentally moving your words are! "Happiness tripped over his sadness and fell " It is a tragedy that any child has to live this way. Such a compassionate write. For children such as the one you so eloquently describe, there is no childhood. Lydi**
I really enjoyed this poem. Although it makes me quite sad that such things still has to be written and how many times do we still have to express ourselves to make this world change? mungu akubariki! Africa needs voices like yours.
a heart touching poem! i really loved the ending stanza
"But when the night came,
Silence came
Comfort came
The stars came
In the night,he found home"
its true that some people have to live without shelter,food, love, they have to struggle day and night to get it. i love your poem!
Posted 8 Years Ago
8 Years Ago
Thank you so much..thanks for reading and reviewing,i really do appreciate it
Other than that I love the way you capture the environment of his day and the comfort of the night
Posted 8 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
8 Years Ago
Hi there,marasmus is a severe undernourishment causing an infant/child's weight to be significantly .. read moreHi there,marasmus is a severe undernourishment causing an infant/child's weight to be significantly lower for their age....and thank you so much for reading and reviewing:-):-)..
this is intensely sad...reminds me of the commercials for helping the kids for so much a month...hopefully the money sent is going where it really needs to...and that smile can become real from the inside out.