Big Grains of Salt

April 12th 2022

I left my itching for abasement

With too much room for head displacement

And too much time to let it indulge

Knowing my mind would let it divulge

Could see its fears far past the red stripe

And it tried to pull me from the bite

The paranoia lacked a reason

Although it never seems to need one

But he pushed it back in illusion

And for the first time I believed him

I didn’t have to pull the curtain

And wake up into a blurred burden

My days escaped from survival mode

I could lift my lips without the load

But I didn’t know he pulled his blinds

And couldn’t really see the red line

Apple blossom

Bona fide possum

Rounded shoulders

Are bad tear-holders

Big grains of salt

Rip the red string faults

Sat on a bench

In a porous trench 

I was aware of the cold vacant eyes

That appeared right before each goodbye

But I saw the brown melt so deeply

I was frozen in trust completely

And he fought with so much affection

Thought, it must just be my projection

So was I only an itch to feel

Or did he once see a deep ideal?

Find it hard to trust an uncracked face

Especially when something’s encased

My sole existence provoked the dam

So he marked the concrete in my brand

He can't stand when I strip down onions

But he broke the dam when he cut them

I can confide in his thinner skin

But he sees the weak point as a whim

Apple blossom

Bona fide possum

Rounded shoulders

Are bad tear-holders

Big grains of salt

Rip the red string faults

Sat on a bench

In a porous trench 

And now he’s here playing Schroedinger

Because it takes guts to point fingers 

He’s buried his left heel in the sand

But he leaves his face out to get tanned

And he’s all open arms to my back

But when I turn around I get slapped

And now he can’t stand seeing my face

Because his mask is in my embrace

Normally I’d win playing albatross

And nailing my left heel to the cross

But then his neck made a scar I could feel

And something would turn over my heel

But the birds still flocked to my fingers

So that none of my pleas would linger

And I’m trying to say I’ll be here

But he's wearing another man's ear

Apple blossom

Bona fide possum

Rounded shoulders

Are bad tear-holders

Big grains of salt

Rip the red string faults

Sat on a bench

In a porous trench 

Now my box is turning cold

And his eyes won’t meet my own

My reach is never equal

Enough to see a sequel

But I can’t swallow salt grains

Because my mind likes a strain

And  I saw the changing eyes

And the skin is not a guise

Because he felt it on his neck

He felt something on his neck

I think I miss being warm

Being sheltered from the swarms

And I can’t stand finding clues

That he once searched for it too

Because my reach wasn’t enough

And now it’s become too much

And now I miss being warm

Apple blossom

Bona fide possum

Rounded shoulders

Are bad tear-holders

Big grains of salt

Rip the red string faults

Sat on a bench

In a porous trench 

Author's Note

Tinnitus? Here's what to do when the ringing won't stop (It's genius)

Reviews

[Annalisa (Marujuust)]

Wait where did the review go

[Annalisa (Marujuust)]

Oh my god s**t I deleted his review

[Annalisa (Marujuust)]

I meant to delete my comment on his review

[Annalisa (Marujuust)]

If you're reading this I'm hoping you at least received my response. I really appreciate the time you put into it. I can't believe I even have the option to delete other's reviews. I swear I didn't mean that. I really hope you didn't spend too much time on it, but either way I'm going to go back and edit with all of that in mind.

[Annalisa (Marujuust)]

What I took from your review was that I'm too ambiguous. I really get that. And then sometimes I'll transition from that to blatantly obvious lines. But as far as I'm concerned people can take my writing however they want. When I listen to music I project myself onto the lyrics and what the song means to mean can be completely different than the writers intentions. I don't mind that. If a person can take one line out of this and apply it to their lives in order to feel less alone I think I've accomplished something. Even if the rest of my story means nothing.

I will take what you said into account though. There are some things you said I can improve, but there some I'd like to keep the same.

[JayG]

I saw. But of more importance, you did.

The trick is to do your editing from the seat of a reader who knows nothing of your intent, and has no context, but needs it as-they-read. Have your computer read your work aloud, so you hear it more as the reader does, without the emotion you place into the words as part of your performance as you read it. That's an excellent editing technique for both fiction and poetry.

Another thing to keep in mind is that in our schooling the only approach to writing we're given is that of nonfiction, fact-based and author-centric. But poetry is emotion-based. And like fiction, it's also character-centric,

Translated to poetry, it means that you're thinking in terms of telling the reader about you, rather than making them BECOME you. But to get an emotional response, you need to involve them, and make them care, not learn of your cares.

In fiction, it's the difference between:

1- - - - - -
The alarm brought me awake, so I got out of bed and went to take my shower and get dressed, before going to kitchen to make breakfast, eat it, and get ready for my first day on the job.
- - - - - -
This was a chronicle of events, centered on detail.

2- - - - - -
As I went through my morning routine of dressing and breakfast, my mood oscillated between euphoria and terror. School was over, internship was over, and life was turning real. This was Doctor Simone Jackson's first day of practice!
- - - - - -
My point? Who cares that she did what everyone does in the morning. Make the reader know what it means to her, in terms that makes the reader share the experience—as her.

Applied to poetry, the emotion you evoke in the reader is the difference between that reader finishing, and saying, "Uh-huh," and leaning back to breathe, "Wow."

So...don't tell them the man was a b*****d, make them say that TO YOU.

Obviously, it's a very different approach.

You might want to read a book or two on poetry techniques. Like writing fiction, or any other profession, poetry is an acquired skill.

Mary Oliver's, A Poetry Handbook, is widely recommended, though I believe it's currently out of print. Still, used copies are available on Amazon.

You might also read the excerpt from Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less Traveled, on Amazon. His focus is on structured poetry, but what he has to say about the use of language, and how it flows, is universal, and I recommend reading it to all writers.

[Annalisa (Marujuust)]

I''ll definitely check those out. I think my issue may be that I don't know my own emotions so evoking emotions in other people will be more of a challenge. Normally I write these things to figure out my own feelings, but sometimes I can go on and on and I never figure out how I feel about my topic. So, if it makes sense, I don't want them to tell me "he's a b*****d" or "he's not a b*****d" because I can't figure out how I want to, or already do, feel about this person.

So I think your tip of switching perspectives may actually help me figure out myself from another person's eyes.

[JayG]

• I don't know my own emotions so evoking emotions in other people will be more of a challenge.read more• I don't know my own emotions so evoking emotions in other people will be more of a challenge.

Naaa. It’s that you literally don’t own the needed tools at the moment, because no one told you they WERE needed. Just like everyone else, you left school with the reasonable belief that writing-is-writing. And, since you spent twelve or more years practicing your writing, the technical part of what you need is taken care of. If only...

But, did you have a single teacher mention or define prosody? It’s a poet’s primary tool, and is used to, as Hamlet said, to make the words be “trippingly on the tongue.” But if you don’t know you can, and should, pay attention to the elements of prosody, will you?

Even the great Ernest Hemingway said, “It’s none of their business that you have to learn how to write. Let them think you were born that way.”

You spent twelve years in primary school learning how to lecture the reader. So, when you turn to poetry, like everyone else, you think in terms of informing the reader, clearly and concisely. But that’s a nonfiction approach, and in it, lies the trap of leaving out important detail, because we take it for granted, and focus on talking to the reader.

Since you’re also writing fiction, and falling into the nonfiction approach for that, as I did, when I began writing fiction, I have a suggestion that will help both.

If you look at the first line of your novel’s prologue, you’ll see the same problem of viewpoint:

• The door creaked open with a loud screech as the girl stumbled inside, keys still in her hand.

When reading this, the reader doesn’t know where we are, what’s going on, or, whose skin we wear. So when you speak of “the door.” It could be anything from a bedroom door, to that of the king’s chambers, a spacecraft’s airlock, or literally any other door.

The screech? Unless it's so meaningful to her that SHE reacts to it, who cares?

And “the girl?" What have we learned, other than a female of indeterminate age, for unknown reasons opened a door leading to an unknown place—at an unknown time and place.

When you read it, of course, the words call up the image you held in your mind as you wrote it. So it works, perfectly, and the story lives...for you. For the reader? The words call up the image you held in YOUR mind as you wrote it. But you’re not there to explain.

See the problem, and, why it’s invisible to you…till it’s pointed out?

And that’s my point. It’s not about your talent, or how well you write. It’s because, like every hopeful writer, and as Mark Twain put it: “It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”

So, getting rid of a few “just ain’t so,” issues will give you many more options, and tools—and put you ahead of most who are trying to write fiction and wondering why it doesn’t work.

The reason I mention it is that by acquiring the approach that works for fiction, you’re gaining a better understanding of how to hit the reader, emotionally, in poetry,

Now, you’re focused on reporting and explaining. Great for reports, but… But fiction, and poetry have an emotional goal. As E. L. Doctorow put it: “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”

And that’s the key. Learn to do that, and not only will your poetry grab the reader, the act of writing it becomes a LOT more fun.

Make sense?

So, the library’s fiction writing section, and the poetry writing section can be great resources, as is the Shmoop site. Personally, for fiction, I’d suggest starting with Dwight Swain’s, Techniques of the Selling Writer, which recently came out of copyright protection. It's the best I've found, to date, at imparting and clarifying the "nuts-and-bolts" issues of creating a scene that will sing to the reader. The address of an archive site where you can read or download it free is just below. Copy/paste the address into the URL window of any Internet page and hit Return to get there.

https://archive.org/details/TechniquesOfTheSellingWriterCUsersvenkatmGoogleDrive4FilmMakingBsc_ChennaiFilmSchoolPractice_Others

For an overview of the differences between author-centric and character-centric writing, you might check a few articles in my WordPress Writing blog.

https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

Hope this helps.

[Annalisa (Marujuust)]

It really does. In fact, I haven't finished school yet as you said, so I don't even have the technical part down. I'm sixteen. Most of what I publish is quite messy.

I'm definitely going to go check out the resources you provided. I figure it's better to start with these things early. Thank you for the help.

[JayG]

You definitely have the right attitude. Read a few chapters of that Swain book, slowly, with time spent thinking about each new point as it's introduced, and how it relates to your writing. Then, look into how other writers use that technique, and, perhaps practice it by updating that point in your own work. That way, you won't read about it it, nod, and a day later, forget you saw it.

It's not an easy book, because it was written at a university level, so he goes into a LOT of detail. But I've found none better.

And if the Swain book proves too boring. You might think about imploring your personal Santa to pick up a copy of Debra Dixon's, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict. Deb was one of Mr. Swain's students, and she doesn't go as deeply into detail as he does, but her book reads like you're sitting with Deb and hearing her talk about writing.

And, Deb covers some things I've not seen elsewhere.

For example, she explains why the line, "Susan smiled when Jack appeared in the doorway," is to be avoided:

Why? Because Susan smiled BEFORE we learned that Jack is there. But in life, she smiles in response to his appearance. So, as presented, we get effect, her smile, before the cause. And in life that's impossible. So we're not with Susan, we're learning it, second-hand, from a third party—the author—who's neither on the scene nor in the story.

Would a line like that cause the reader to turn away? Probably not, unless it happens often.

But it's often a concatenation of small things that cause a reader to lose interest, and that's a good reason to keep cause and effect straight.

In any case, hang in there, and keep on writing. It never gets easier, but after a while, we do become confused on a higher level. And, it tips the ratio of crap to gold in the direction of gold.