Now And Then

A Story by marod

a messed up girl's thoughts

5/1/08

Every Now And Then.

now.)

As my fingers caress my legs up and down but then suddenly begin to rub them up and down desperately I think of why I was acting like this. My head was beginning to hurt due to all the pressure I was putting into my eyes but I couldn’t stop. It’s at times like this that I can’t think clearly and do the stupidest of things not to mention what I say either. Then the memory and the feeling where all there for me to torment and remind me.

…

then.)

“You took something very special away from me…what should we do with you?…huh? What should we do with such a bad girl?…”

I only looked down. And felt the pain from my heart reaching my cheek while I myself reached the floor.

“Answer damn it!”

I begin to cry and move my shoulders up and then down only once.

…

now.)

I love a person and I happened to be foolish enough to lose something very special to the both of us but mostly to my loved one. It was as if I lost our own kid (not that we really have one). What I lost recently happened but what haunts me happened a long time ago and somehow captured me with chains here.

I have reported to my love all of my mistakes and he…he….acted differently from what I expected. He was optimistic and I was silent just waiting. But I don’t know exactly for what. So now I ponder on such topic. What was I waiting for?

There’s something wrong here. I have been bad, but why have I not been punished? My love is so much like…HIM…And now in this similar situation my love was not like HIM. But why not? Have I been wrong about my love all along? Have I only been around my love to pretend that HE has loved me all along? Am I disappointed in my love’s doing while in mine?

HIM and I have grown up together and made ourselves immature together. HIM by acting and I by following along. Is it always that I have to pay physically and mentally at the same time? Or just physically since I am such a bad person?

My love has always conveyed me his love but so has HE.

…

then.)

“Oh come on, you know I love you. But you do deserve this…do you understand?”

I nodded.

“About me loving you?”

I nodded once more.

…

I hear puffing, my hyperventilating, I try not to cry.

As soon as I lost the item I tried being positive and not get depressed until I was 100% I was never going to find it. But who can do that as time passes and nothing ameliorates? Four days ago I had a dream where me and my love had the following conversation:

“You lost it!”
“Yes I’m terribly sorry.”

“That meant something you know!?!”-I was quite- “that just shows how special you really think this relationship is. It really does. If you were careless enough to pull that stupid thing up who knows what else you are able to pull out from your sleeve!…gosh…and why are you looking down?!….you know you did something wrong so at least be strong enough to take your scolding with dignity! I said look”

…

then.)

“Up! You know what you did wrong so look up! Why hide it?! huh!…why YOU!”

…

now.)

As people see my legs they think I do self mutilation or am self-destructive they think that what my legs hold, are something I did. And they’re right even though I never pointed a knife at myself. I let them all these years until I thought I put a stop to all this by striking back and telling HIM that it wasn’t me who was to take the blame for our loss. I thought I ended it right there and that life would be better. I was wrong on the first one. It hasn’t ended, for I am still mentally hurt that I expect my own lover to punish me for my doing. So hurt I doubted my love for him, by thinking that I only loved him since he was cruel. Hurt enough to make me feel guilty on every of my bad doings. All this confusion in my head won’t stop and all this mental agony will follow me forever but I’ll try to make the best of, it only this time I’ll not compare things to my past. My past is now my thoughts and my physical wounds.

And to my lover, I’m deeply sorry for my carelessness.

-MAROD