His Musky Cologne

redemption ?

I was on my way to the post office when a strong wind blew all my letters in different directions. I watched as they each took various roots to the same destination: the ground, which was still moist from the morning rain. That's when he walked by, glancing at me from across the street. After a double take, his gaze fixated on my predicament and he let out a laugh. I was expecting him to offer me a hand but when I gained the courage to look back up, he was gone.
        A few weeks later I saw him at the grocery store. We passed each other in a few aisles. He seemed to recognize me yet didn't acknowledge it, at least not with words. He merely looked at me, but I could tell that his brain was working to try and remember how he knew my face.
        "I've never seen anyone actually buy soy milk." He said with a smile. We were on the checkout line together. I took in the sight of him. His brown curly hair was a little overgrown and greasy but in an endearing sort of way. Like a little boy who has no desire in the world but to play in the mud, they come in the house leaving dirt marks everywhere, yet you can't help but smile and shrug your shoulders. His jeans were frayed and his boots were scuffed and he smelled like musky cologne. His blue eyes watched me, waiting for me to answer.
        "It's low in sodium." I blurted out. I quickly grew embarrassed, knowing there were a million other things I could have said, that would have made me sound like a normal person. Then again, I was never one to think on my feet. I felt his eyes on me and immediately felt self conscious of my mousy brown hair and tiny frame.
        "Why don't you come see me perform tomorrow night?" It came out like a statement, leaving no hint of doubt as to whether or not I would attend. He took my hand and wrote the address on my palm. I thought he was a little too old to be playing in a band. He looked around mid thirty. I smiled sheepishly and turned to the cashier who was now ringing up my soymilk.
        "No, wait. I'm sorry sir but I don't think that's the right price." He was charging me double what I normally pay.
        "Sorry Ma'am but it's right. I have to get paid somehow." I know he was kidding but his laugh just annoyed me.
        "Why don't I just get this for you?" I heard from behind.
        "Oh, no, I couldn't�"
        "Nonsense" he said as he added my milk to his purchase, which consisted of chips and cigarettes.
        "Thanks" I watched him walk towards the exit. He stopped momentarily and twisted his head over his shoulder.
"Jared" he yelled toward me. "My name, by the way." I smiled shyly and said "Caroline" in his direction, only he was already out the door and walking down the street.

        As I began getting ready I decided to wear my silk dress. I thought back to the three-month period of work I suffered to pay for it. Which then reminded me of the reasoning: Christopher. He was a tall skinny man, around 6 feet tall, with blonde hair trimmed close to his scalp. We dated for a year and a half before he proposed. He was sweet and caring and "financially stable" as my parents would put it. But the more time I spent with him, the more I felt there were no feelings of attraction. Of course I blurted out yes to be polite, but then confessed my true feelings to my mother a few days later.
        "Well, I just don't think that I love him, mother."
        "Oh, honey it's ok to be scared. Look at that one. It's gorgeous." We were window-shopping for an engagement party dress.
        "No, I really don't feel like this is right at all." I didn't look at the window. I didn't care what the dress looked like because I knew I wouldn't be needing it.
        "I felt the same way before I married your father�"
        "You don't even know where he is." She stops and shoots me a look of disapproval that only a mother who never really parented you could.
        "I do too, this week he's in Chicago. No, wait it has to be New York because he sent me that wonderful vase that was made in that shop in Manhattan that I love so much. Besides, Christopher is perfect, he can support you for the rest of your life."
        "But what if I want something more than that?"
        "Oh you're being ridiculous now. What size are you again?"
        "I'm a size three."

        A week before the wedding I was set on telling Christopher how I really felt. He had other plans.
"What do you mean you're going to be working for my father?"
"What's the matter? Isn't that great? It would take me years to get to this kind of position anywhere else."
"I understand that but my father is never home."
"I know Hun, but I talked it over and yeah, I would be traveling but I made sure to get every holiday off in my contract. It'll make us appreciate our time together."
The next morning the chapel was decorated from head to toe with red and white rose pedals. It was beautiful, or so I was told. I spent the day hiding away at the library because I had nowhere else to go.
My parents claimed I was ruining my life by not "cashing in my lotto ticket" and as a punishment, they cut off all ties from me until I figured out "how to live my life the right way."
        
        When I found the place it turned out to be a bar. I walked inside and looked for some set up equipment, or any hint of a band about to play. Only, there was none. The bar was almost empty except for a table or two with some local drunks scattered about.
        After a while, feelings of stupidity set in and I got up to leave. Only then did Jared come barging in. He looked about the same as the day before, except now he had a button up shirt on. It was an odd shade of green with random yellow spots on it. I couldn't tell if it was the design or if he just hadn't washed it in a while.
        "Hey! You made it, sweet cheeks. How ya been?" He patted me on the back and indicated that we should sit at the bar.
        "I have been fine. I thought you were performing�" I started.
        "Yeah! As soon as the bartender gets me a beer!" He yelled as he slapped the bar. It seemed a little excessive to me seeing as the bar was nearly empty and the bartender was less than two feet away.
        "How are you performing?"
        "Watch." He grabs the beer and drinks the entire contents of the mug in one gulp. "Ah" He leans back a little, foam slowly disintegrating in his mustache. "How's that for a performance?" he spits out with a laugh. I smile awkwardly, having nothing to say. "Aw don't look scared. I was just messing with you honey! I didn't want to bore you by saying let's get a drink or two." He hugs me close and shakes me a little. The way people do when they want you to be as excited as they are. Like they can shake the energy into you.
A belligerent man stumbles over to the bar. As he reaches between us to get a beer, his hand shakes a little. A small stream of beer falls directly onto my lap.
        "Oh!" I stand up automatically to clean my dress.
        "S**t! Come on let's go clean this beautiful dress before this scum comes back and I'm forced to slam him" I smell his cologne as he leads me away from the bar and towards the bathroom. It makes me smile.
         * * *
        The wedding was sweet and simple. We got married in a small church by our apartment with just our parents and Jared's two brothers. After the ceremony my father smiled as he gave me and Jared a check while he checked his phone for missed calls. My mother claimed to be ill so her and my father got in their Cadillac and drove off while my mother rolled down the window and said, "Call us if this goes wrong. We love you."
        We then went to the bar we met at with the rest of the gang. Jared's brothers both did multiple shots while their wives tried to distract them from the other women in the bar. His parent's wished us good luck and left shortly after to go catch their flight.
        "Here babe." He hands me a martini while he downs a shot of whiskey.
        "Thanks."
        "I love you always."
        "Hah, like you haven't said that before!" Jared's brother was making his way towards us.
        "F**k off, you drunk." He turned his brother around and pushed him towards his wife who was trailing close behind.
        "I love you too." I smiled, knowing I meant it.

        "Why can't we go out tonight Jared?
        "Cause I told you I don't want to fuss tonight. I'm tired."
        "What a surprise." As the words came out I immediately wished I could take them back. As if the time could slow down and I could snatch the words out of the air before they reached Jared's ears.
        "I'm not too tired to knock some sense into you." There is an awkward pause filled with tension. I think back to the times I feared he would hit me and flinch. Then he lets out a small laugh. I smile, but don't find what's funny.

        The next morning the phone rings.
        "Hello?"
        "Jared?" a young woman's voice asks annoyed.
        "No, this is his wife, may I ask whose calling?" She hangs up the phone without answering. Jared looks at me and then gets out of bed and heads for the shower. "It's early yet. Let's lay in bed for a while longer."
        "I have work." He shouts from the bathroom, not bothering to close the door as he relieves himself.
        "It's Sunday"
        "I have work, what can I tell ya?" is all he says before closing the door. As he opens it again, my eyes light up, hoping he was reconsidering coming back to bed. "Could you iron and lay out my clothes?"
        "I'm not your slave."
        "Excuse me?" He walks into the room, coming close to me. "Don't b***h when I'm the one making the money."
        "What does that matter if you're not here?"
        "I can't help that I work!"
        "Is that all you're doing?" He slaps my face as quickly as the words leave my mouth. His eyes widen and he turns to go back into the shower. My face still burns when I hear him turn on the water as I begin to iron his shirt.

        As I'm dusting, I hear the phone ring. I can't find it anywhere. Ring. I search under the couch. Ring. I look through some clothes thrown about our room. Ring. I finally find it in the kitchen next to the coffee maker, of all places. Then I began to hear my own voice on the machine.
        "You've reached Jared and Caroline. We're not home right now so leave a message and we'll get back to you." And then Jared put his two sense in "Or don't!" and it made me laugh a little to myself thinking back to two years ago when we first made the message. I quickly stop myself, remembering the morning's incident.
        "Hello Caroline. It's your mother, if you remember who that is." She laughs. "Hope everything is well with you two. I wouldn't know because you don't call me. I'm going to Europe for the week with your father. We booked a suite for you and your husband if you decide you want to get away. Call me back for the details!" Before I can decide how to feel the phone rings again.
        "Look, I'm sorry." I don't say anything for a moment and he continues. "Hey, why don't you make something good tonight?"
        "What do you want?"
        "Buy some steak and some rum and we'll call it a party."
        "Fine."
        "See you tonight. I won't be late."

        As the steak simmered I went inside to change. I pulled my silk dress off the hanger because I knew I needed something special. I hoped it would spice things up. I hadn't worn it since that time in the bar. The beer left a small stain on it, but it was hardly noticeable. Hopefully it would remind Jared of how we used to be and take us out of this rut.
        
Jared came home twenty minutes late and I scrambled to heat up his food. I served it to him immediately, forgetting about my kiss hello, or any kind of acknowledgement of my existence.
        "Did you get this steak from Al's?"
        "Yeah. Why?"
        "Just wondering, it tastes weird. Where's the rum?" I walked into the living room towards the liquor cabinet. "I'll wait for you to change, your dress has a huge stain on it." He flicked his wrist, dismissing me completely." After a few puffs from his cigarette he flicked the ashes on my slippers by the couch.
        A few tears fell to the floor as I walked into the bedroom to change. I threw the dress into a heap on the floor while considering my mom's offer, it was all I had left. As much as I hated the idea of being in the same place with her for a week, I was willing to try it to save my marriage.
        As I began to make Jared's drink I glanced at my sleeping pills on the counter. Jared made me get the strongest prescription to stop myself from "bothering" him during the night. I crushed one capsule up and put it in his drink, just to ensure we didn't fight anymore tonight.
        As I handed him the drink he threw his suit jacket at me.
"Could you hang this up? I don't want it to get wrinkled." His musky cologne filled my body, leaving me numb while bringing me back to reality at the same time. "Then could you come sit down, I want to tell you something."
        "I want to tell you something too actually."
        "Well, wait just listen. We haven't been on the same page for a while�"
        "Oh, I know. That's why I wanted us to-"
        "No. It's my fault. There's no easy way to say this." My heart stopped beat as he took a deep breath. "I'm in love with someone else." I just starred at him, having no instant reaction. He continued to explain and say he was sorry but I was too distracted by the documents and the pen he was taking out of his briefcase. He had it all planned out.
        "How long have you known?"
        "What? I don't know. It's not important."
        "Is this what you did to your first wife?"
        "This has nothing to do with that!" He stands up and I begin to shake.
        "You didn't mean it, when you said you loved me." I grab his drink and bring it into the kitchen.
         "Caroline. Come on. Don't walk away!" I look at the sleeping pills on the counter, robotically crushing more and more into the drink.
"I'm just getting you ice, like the servant you made me into." I turn in Jared's direction with a shaking hand and a stiff heart.
"Caroline! I know it's hard, but the judge says we can get it all annulled. It'll be like this never happened." I stop in my tracks.
"Like it never happened." I stare at the glass, debating whether or not I'm thirsty.