Men, you are not entitled to us

This is an article about misogyny; the men who perpetrate it, and the women affected by it.

Men, you're not entitled to us.

The dictionary definition of misogyny: The dislike of, contempt of, or ingrained prejudice against women. 

My definition of misogyny: An attitude a man displays towards a woman that makes her skin crawl. Often, but not always sexually motivated. The inability to hear or respect her ‘no’.

By the time a woman is an adult, she’s had enough experience with men to know that there will be times when it will be expected of her to act in a certain way towards men. She has been told to ‘be nice’ or to ‘stop being difficult’ so many times that her natural inclination is to comply, even when it grates her very last nerve or puts her in real danger. 

Let me take your hand and lead you through the land of misogyny. If you are willing to learn, I am willing to show you. I will draw you pictures, some subtle, some ruthless, all intolerable. Let us begin. Imagine you have a daughter. One day you find these entries in her journal:

I was walking home from school today. A man on a bicycle slowed down when he saw me. He was wearing a coat. He looked at me and started masturbating. I was horrified and ran home. The general consensus at home was relief that he hadn’t hurt me. I’m thankful that he didn’t lay a hand on me, but that doesn’t mean the incident won’t be burned into my psyche. What has become of society that these incidents bring about relief instead of anger? Are we so desensitised to men taking from women, whether it be their goodwill, their innocence or their confidence, that we breathe a sigh of relief instead of releasing the anger this so rightly deserves? I can’t wait to get my driver’s license so that I won’t have to walk home from school anymore.

You turn the pages, and come across this entry:

I’m really upset that it’s come to this. I will have to sleep with Dan, even though he knows I want to wait until we’re married. When we started dating he agreed that waiting was a good idea. It’s really important to me, but he keeps badgering me. He says if I don’t sleep with him, it proves that I don’t love him. Today he threatened to leave me if we don’t have sex. I don’t really feel like I have a choice. I don’t want to lose him, I love him so much.

You keep paging through, and find this entry:

I’ve finally realised that Dominic is a classic misogynist. He knows I’m going through a particularly difficult time in business, and I have no money. He won an incentive prize at work; one night in an upmarket hotel. He asked me to join him. I feel like he is the kind of Christian who uses the bible to manipulate. I wonder if my refusal to sleep with him aggravates him to the point of being abusive, or if he’s simply a bully. I suspect the latter. He often tells me that we were as good as married (we are not), that I’m his wife (I am not), and that there is no reason I shouldn’t sleep with him. There are a million reasons, and I refused to be manipulated this time. We stayed over at the hotel. I was hoping it would be an opportunity for us to mend fences. It didn’t turn out that way. He refused to allow me to have breakfast the next morning. I was unable to buy my own breakfast because I genuinely don’t have money at the moment, so I had no choice but to go hungry. The feeling of helplessness this triggered is exactly what he wanted to drive home. His message? There would be consequences for behaving in a way that is not pleasing to him. I really do love him, but I think I may need to end it soon if things don’t improve. It’s frustrating because he sometimes shows his heart and I know he can be a really great guy if this could change.

You’re really having trouble with what you’re reading, but you keep turning the pages.

A couple of days ago someone I’m really not interested in asked me out. Jonathan at work said I should tell the guy I have a boyfriend. The implication was that being involved would be the only acceptable reason for turning down a date with a man. Turning someone down because you’re not interested is just not socially acceptable. Do you see the problem here? Women are not free to make these decisions as they see fit. They have been conditioned to display actions that would minimise conflict at the expense of being true to themselves.

You turn a few more pages.

Just last week I had to go to the police station to get an affidavit as proof of my residential address. When the policeman asked what I needed and I told him, he looked me up and down, and offered to come to my house to make sure that that is where I live. I immediately got the message; he was telling me in no uncertain terms that he would like to have sex with me. I was taken aback and frankly revolted, but I had to smile and play coy, just in case he decided to be difficult by not signing the affidavit. I resent being made to feel helpless by someone who ought to make me feel safe.  

If you’re female, reading this undoubtedly will have brought situations in your own life to mind. If you’re a guy, I would think the thought of your daughter having to deal with these things would be disturbing.

Every single woman I know has similar stories to tell. Very often, especially in countries where domestic violence is rife, there are stories that are a whole lot more horrific than the ones described here. 

Guys, if you’re still wondering, it’s not ok to make a woman feel uncomfortable because she has reacted in a way that doesn’t suit you. You don’t get to tell a stranger on the street to smile. You don’t get to be upset and retaliate when a women spurns your affections. You don’t get to be abusive to a woman under any circumstance. Ever. Regardless of whether you feel she had it coming. It’s exactly the attitude that says she has it coming that feeds into the societal belief system that women exist for the pleasure of men, instead of the freedom of being their own damn selves. 

I know many great men with good intentions who genuinely love and appreciate women. I applaud and honour them. This article wasn’t about you; the world needs more of you. This article is about guys who place their own needs ahead of a woman’s by pure virtue of being male. It is akin to one race feeling superior to another and it’s just not acceptable behaviour in 2017. Change starts with you. 

Reviews

[Sapientiam]

I don't feel this behavior is acceptable in both sexes because, surprisingly or not, I have seen women act this way, typically towards young boys.

People ought to respect the right of saying no and not use a women's kindness against them. Being male doesn't automatically mean you have the upper hand over a lady. I don't know why males even feel the need to control the choices of a woman, though, I'm not saying all guys are like that. A superiority complex, I suppose. It's like a disease and I hope this disease is cured.

Great message!

[Marinda Van Zyl]

Agreed, it goes both ways.

[wordman]

seems like you women can live a horrible life,but most men really love their women,and treat them as equals in a life long partner ship