I didn’t drink today

This is a jumbled mess of thoughts that I just needed to put somewhere.

I wake up four hours into sleep
Not able to figure out what woke me up
And then I hear it again
Retching and gagging
I realize it’s you
In the dark basement
Awake only because you feel sick
I get out of bed and come out to the couch
To see you slumped over a trash can
“Do you need anything?”
My voice calm and caring
“No, f**k those pizza rolls”
As if it was the pizza rolls that caused this
And not the Jack you downed
Just a few hours prior
You vomit again for several minutes
And I just sit there in the dark
Wishing I could make you feel better
Inside and out
I want to hold you
Tell you how wonderful you are
Beg you to stop doing this to yourself
Get you help
But I know it won’t work
You sit back with your eyes closed
Coughing
Light a cigarette and take a deep drag
I wonder if you can feel my sorrow
I wonder if you can hear me thinking
Are you going to die before 40? 30?
What if I want a life with you?
It makes me want to take better care of myself
So I can be better for you
So you’ll stop killing yourself
You sleep for a couple more hours
Then, silent, getting ready for work
You are beautiful, but pale and sick
Tonight you’ll do it all over again
I would do anything to save you
To take away your hurt and your past
I know I can’t fix people but
You f*****g matter
And I hope just this once, that I can help
I didn’t drink today and it’s for you, ya know