A Sunny Day

One busy afternoon, I spotted him in the office cafeteria having lunch with his colleague. I wouldn’t believe my luck. I walked towards him, almost flew. The colleague sitting opposite him, facing the door met my gaze and smiled. I reciprocated fleetingly, bringing my focus back to the man of my interest. I held out my hand to touch his shoulder. Moving my hand over one side of his lean shoulder to other, I positioned myself before his line of sight and blurted in pure joy, “I am so happy to see you!” I said it twice. He kept looking with no joy or sign of emotions as if I was not the prettiest one but rather a blank computer screen.  I brushed aside his lack of interest. He had been at all times difficult to read. What counted was that a divine intervention has brought him today to my office cafeteria, after seven months of ghosting.  My hungry eyes would capture his smile in my memories forever. He wasn’t smiling though.

I asked to join them. They agreed. He announced within few moments into the conversation that he was leaving the country. His words dawn on me like the final full stop after a long sentence. I will never see him again. I was disoriented and visibly sad. I felt my heart would tear from my chest and pop bleeding at the table. He had noticed but kept talking to his colleague. His colleague frequently tried involving me in their conversation. Somehow couldn’t understand a word that was exchanged on that table. Their speech languid and lips dry. Were they even talking or just chomping their food? The range of topics that the two men touched lacked luster or was I uninterested?

I ordered a banana shake. I hinted that I would leave for my team lunch. I had kept my team lunch secondary to primarily be with him. He didn’t stop me. He kept silent. I didn’t matter to him. I sat there a few more minutes. Stole few glances of him. Why is he eating burger and fries? Has he stopped gym -ing ? Why are his hands trembling? Is he uncomfortable under my gaze? I will never see him again… he will be gone forever. The fear of never seeing him again lingered in my thoughts. I excused myself from the table to get a tissue instead. Drops of banana shake had dripped off my straw as I absent-minded dangled it over the glass of shake. I went to the coffee counter.

The girl of the coffee counter studied me and asked, “Are you OK?”

I am a regular customer at her cafeteria. I have tried being friendly to her in the past. She had never responded favorably. The girl had been curt in her reply, on several earlier occasions.

 “No, I am not”, I replied.

She looked gravely at me and asked plainly, “What happened?” This time I smiled wistfully before saying, “I am in a one-sided love”. “It hurts a lot. I have been there”, her tone bordered sympathy. “Yes. It does…..A lot”, I had already turned away to look at him. His back was faced to the coffee counter. He wore a t-shirt and jeans. It’s been a while since I last saw him formally dressed. He looks good in solid color shirts and tight well-fitting trousers. He wears a T-shirt and jeans when he has packed his formal attire to travel for work. Today he is wearing the same T-shirt and Jeans. He is ready. Still lost in thoughts, I strolled back to the table with a tissue, tidily folded between my numb fingers. I realized he was watching me from the mirror that was placed opposite him, behind his colleague. I lowered my gaze and sat down silently beside him. They were still talking about unimportant affairs of the world. I decided in my mind, if this is the last moment with him than so be it.  I will make the most of it. I will look at him as much as my heart wants. .. Today is my day with him. I will leave the present moment never to regret. 

 My countenance transformed, I began participating in their talks about unimportant affairs of the world. I stole many glances on him. I studied his hairless arms. Smooth. His clean-shaven face. His skin was dry and left crow’s claw around his eyes. His hands had stopped trembling. I reminisced the old times with him when his skin looked radiant and pink under the white LED light of my office. His smile that had bewitched me. He is not smiling today. He knew how I love his smile. I am deprived today of his smiled and suddenly he looked at me. I had never averted my eyes from him in our earlier meetings but today I did that. I quickly looked at the ceiling with a childlike amusement. I was glad that he caught me watching him. Yes, it was for you.

They discussed about having a coffee after lunch. His colleague asked me is the coffee good here? My mind went back to the email that I had written to you, after I left the job, complaining about how the coffee here was not creamy. I strongly said “No, it’s not as creamy as coffee in your office”. The other man immediately bought the argument and stood up to pay the cheque. I too got to my feet and asked if I could walk them to the Exit gate.

I wanted to stop the clock. Steal more time with him.  As the men split the bill, I waited. He has grown a belly, could it be all that burgers and fries? I almost whispered into his ears standing close behind him. “Are you happy to leave this country?” He looked down at his wallet and replied in a low voice, “Both…. happy and sad to leave”. The manager was taking longer than usual to clear the cheque.  Finally, he started to walk out of the door, when he proposed the other man “let’s still try the coffee”. The other man was not convinced but he just decided to experiment. They offered me coffee which I refused. I could have never put down an offer of coffee but today I am interested in him more than a caffeine shot. They started again about the unimportant affairs of the world. I might have looked impatient that why he said to me, “You can leave if you want, you don’t have to wait for us”. I had made of my mind to wait. I knew whom I was waiting for. I looked straight at him and said, “I am waiting because I want to wait”. The next moment the coffee was served and we left the cafeteria.

He was walking before me. The other man, walked next to me, talking about how he likes his coffee without sugar, and a little bit of milk can turn it sweet.  To which I laughed and said can, “Milk substitute sweetness of sugar?  He immediately turned back to watch me laugh and mirrored by laugh. For the first time this afternoon, he looked pleased.   

We three were walking toward the exit gate when a car drove past us. He immediately climb up the pavement to keep himself safe, he never turns back to see, if I who was walking behind him has done the same. The car closely drove past me. It was lonely to walk behind him.

Outside the gate, he stood before me. We stood face to face. His face was emotionless and his eyes sad. Very sad. He had open his mouth to say goodbye. Before the word left his mouth, I turned to the other man and said that what I had planned all this while. “Can I ask you a favor? Can I talk to him for some time”? The other man looked puzzled, he understood slowly and smiled at me saying, “Oh! Yes, Yes” He swiftly walked away from us to his office.

He slightly leaned over me, his eyes smiling mischievously, “You want to talk to me?” Probing my intentions. I promptly replied, “Who else?”  He smiled victoriously. The same bewitching smile. He has guessed it right yet again. He could effortlessly read my mind.

We started walking towards the path close to my office building walls that leads to his office’s main gate. That path is a through-fare but his colleague had left, no other person walked that way for the next ten minutes.

I was alone with him. My flow of emotions broke the dam of my shyness. I cried and smiled at the same time. Smile was to hide from him that I was not fine. I was sobbing like a teenager, repeatedly saying, “……. I want to say something……..I am sorry for being so emotional…….maybe I should not say this to you… sorry… but don’t hate me if I tell you what I feel”.

He was unperturbed. He stopped sauntering. He knew that if we kept walking, we would soon reach his office main gate within 4 minutes and I will never be able to say what I planned, waited, and wanted to. He said, “I know what you what?”  I felt hurt at his words. What can he possibly offer me? I asked, “What would I want from you?  “What I what is that….” I looked up to the sky as if praying, “…that may you never leave this country”.

He slowed down beside me. Waited as I said in a choking voice, “I am very fond of you, I like you a lot”

The first time in my life I was admitting my feeling to a guy, that too face to face. All my life I had kept my feeling caged in my heart. It is difficult to be a shy girl. This is not the first time I had feelings for someone and yet had pained me to remain silent every time.

He moved in front of me, bringing my steps to a halt. He spoke with determination. He saw where all this was going. “I will not marry anyone, not only you. I have had girlfriends in the past. The last one was with me for five years. I fell out of love.  People fall in and out of love.  Would it be fine if you find out that your partner is cheating on you? All my siblings are married but I never will marry anyone. That’s the reason I don’t have any children from any of them. He said all this in one go as if persuading me of his infidelity that will follow after a few years of marriage. He offered a Bollywood style solution    “We can remain friends”.

I had never believed in this grey area of remaining friend with someone whom you has romantic feelings for. For me the world is either black or white. Either I love you or I don’t. Nothing in between. Anyhow, he had succeeded in scaring me off my sense. I took a step back as to create distance between our bodies and replied with the same determination, “OK, I understand. I am not asking you to marry me. So don’t be afraid of me anymore. What I want you is to listen to my feelings. I felt so light when I have told you how I felt. I feel empowered again. My heart was aching under the weight of this stifled emotion. I feel so happy and free now”.

“Will you come to my wedding?” I suddenly asked. An aftereffect of freed self.

“Do you have a boyfriend?” He lowered his eyes and asked.  “No, I don’t but I have a plan”. He threw back his head and laughed a knowing laugh. He knew I had planned for everything- career move, food choice, travel, future. I had many times revealed my plans to him. He had attentively heard all my plans and influenced it with his experiences. He likes to fix. He fixed all my confusion. “You would be a tender father”, I had once told him, imagining him fixing her daughter’s doll and tenderly listening to her.

I had crossed the barrier of awkwardness and eased myself into the known territory of our friendship.  “I have shortlisted few. But I am confused about them. Maybe you would throw light on their behaviors” I informed chirpily. “I wish you were there like before, I could have discussed them with you. Tell me…am I wrong to remain chaste until marriage? Should I go against my conscience? What if I am asked to go all the way? ” I said all in a lighting speed.  He replied in a father like tone, “Many people do that. You are not traditional or outdated to remain chaste. Many westerner do that too these days. If he asks you for more than what you are willing to give. Then leave him. Also leave a man who raises hand on you. If he ever does. Don’t stay in any such relationship for even a second…Don’t”

I questioned, “What if a guy rejects me because I am earning less than him”. He said, “I am from a quite well to do family, I would have never done that. Man should not weigh a woman based on her job or earning”.  I wondered for a second, why did he give his example, was he thinking that I was trying him for a reason to have rejected me. Was I even unknowingly probing him for a cause of rejection?  I am not certain.

“Oh! It’s so nice to talk without any awkwardness… I feel so happy to tell you how I felt…. I would have asked you these questions before but you are always busy”. “I will come back for tourism. I love this country. When on tourism I will have much time” he comforted me.

“Nobody comes back. Everyone says so” I refused the comfort. He crashed his coffee cup, folded it, and opened his arms, hinting that it was time to say Goodbye. Let’s face it.  I absentmindedly went into his arms. Up to that time, I had fantasized several times that when I meet him I will squeeze him in my arms and magically infuse all my passionate boiling emotions directly into his blood. Now when the moment was here, I was lost in my questions. I have no remembrance of the feel of that embrace. I limply touched his back and within less than a sec, conveniently pulled myself away.  My embrace might have been cold and dispassionate. Not a match from a woman who is breaking over his departure. Not a match to my tears and animated confession of my one-sided love.

I think I heard him say I love you as a friend. I was so full of questions that I asked again, “Am I stuck up?” He looked at me seriously, “what you mean by stuck up?”  “Should I be more approachable and available to guys around me?” To which he said, “had you been available than you would not have been what you are now” and added lowering his eyes “You are not a s**t”. The word rang in my ears, I retorted back �" “I am not a S**T”. “That’s what I said, you are not a s**t” he read the displeasure in my eyes. His eyes shone. Delighted to have invoked such strong reactions to defend my innocence.

“Oh I have taken much of your time” I looked at my watch.  He quickly said, “When I come back I will message you. I earnestly offered, “Yes, I will be your tour guide. He repeated the word “tour guide” as a joke and smiled again. “..But you will pay for my coffee”.  He looked down again and nodded. “….. No compulsion …if you never came back… I understand ….. You don’t have to come to see me feel free not to”.

“It’s so liberating to confess my feelings to you”- I placed my palm to the upper portion of my breast, believing my heart sits there, and rubbed. As if I can quieten my racing heart. Distract my heart from beating fast. He was smiling, his eyes shining with joy- “I always knew you liked me”.  “Was it that obvious? How can you know it before I knew it?  I had discovered it just now” I asked.  “I don’t know how you didn’t know but I knew before you left the job. We like many people at the same time but some we like more than others” he said all this without a smile. He thinks he is smart in the matters of hearts.  I had liked him more than others but “how much” I had realized it when I saw him leaving my life. “I and F. (another colleague) will come to meet you before I leave”. 

“You don’t have to “I said. He reconstructed, “Actually F. wants to meet you so I will bring her”. Last time when I met F., she had said that he had been sad to see me lose the job.

Nevertheless, I was intoxicated with my new found confidence. A shy girl had succeeded in revealing her vulnerable self to a man. I said “Goodbye, See you soon”. He nodded in agreement. I immediately turned to walk back to my office. I was supposed to walk him to his office but I had forgotten. My heart was brimming with joy. I had accepted myself. I was no more afraid to love, to feel, to express. I left him in the middle of that path. In the past, at the end of every conversation, before walking away from me, he had often turn around to meet my gaze and smiled. I intuitively felt, he did the same today but I was dizzy with happiness kept walking away from him, never once turning back.

As I write on that sunny day, I feel a faint thumping ache in my chest.