Part 3

By the time I was 16 i was a complete mess. I began writing down everything that was happening how I was feeling and why.

I wish I could say that was is. But unfortunately I can’t.
I can’t remember when it started but my stepdads mum and dad they lived in Doncaster . It was after I moved back to hull and we used to visit them on weekends I must have been around 11. The first time I stayed over I was excited any escape from being around him was amazing.. or so I thought. It was at this time I understood that it must be me. It must be something I do or say or the way I look to make the filthy people gravitate towards me. That first night as I stood up to go to bed I walked out the living room and before I could even reach the bedroom he grabbed my hand my grandad . In my experience this could only mean one thing. He said he would help me to bed. I tensed up knowing inside what was going to happen. He told me to sit on the bed were he proceeded to take off my clothes. He pulled out his penis and before I knew it he had put it in my mouth. After that he began to touch my private areas and rubbed his penis around my pubic area. The sad part is I had been subjected to this kind of behaviour for do long at the hands of my step dad I didn’t even cry or move or say a word. I had learnt to distance myself from my body . It felt more like I was watching this happen rather than it be happening to me. It’s the only way I could survive. This went on for a few years. It wasn’t so bad because I only stayed there once every couple of months.

I never really understood anything that was happening to me I never understood what was going in in my head all I knew was that it was hard but I could never get out.

When I started college things seemed to get so much worse it was like he was jealous that I would be talking to other people questions after questions. I continued to take pills while I was at college and one day I guess id taken to many ... I remember leaving the canteen with my friends walking up to the classroom then it went blank. I woke up laying on the classroom floor with teachers around me and my head hurt. I kept being asked what happened and I just didn’t know I didn’t have a clue. The teacher said I had a fit. Crazy s**t was in hospital for 2 night while they ran tests . It was till until a few days later I remembered why it happened.

My teachers kept sitting me down over the next week asking what was going on I wanted so bad to tell them what was happening but I couldn’t bring myself to tell. To say those words it was too hard so still I kept quite.

A few months later I got a break. My auntie said she knew someone who owned the local pub she got me a job as a glass collector. I was so nervous the first night I paced outside for ten minutes before I got the courage to walk in.. but I did it and from then I worked Friday sat and Sunday night’s