Part 1

A Chapter by M

The beginning.

People say it’s easier to start from the beginning, not me I find it harder going right back to the start because it isn’t easy. The memories the fear everything about it is difficult.

Saying that though that is were i am going to start. Will be the only way this all makes sense.

I can’t remember much of my childhood, for me childhood started when I was 8 I use the word ‘childhood very loosely.
The earliest memory I have is my mum saying she needed to talk to me I was watching Bernards watch at the time when she walked in my room what she said next was the beginning of my hell.
My real dad had passed away.. my parents had separated and my mum ‘re married when I was 2. I loved my dad with every ounce of love I had within me. He had been ill for quite some time and was residing in dove house hospice as he had developed cancer starting in his leg after a nasty knock. I remember the beautiful place were he stayed for his final months the amazing ponds on the grounds with bridges overlooking the water and it was there you was able to really appreciate the stunning fish swimming around without a care in the world. A fond memory I still carry around from that place was the biscuits. May seem quite irrelevant I know but my dad used to save the biscuits he was given on a daily basis and give them to me and my stepsister.

As these thoughts ran through my mind I could feel the tears rolling down my cheeks I was incapable of uttering a single word. The only solace I got from that night was my mum hugging me and she gave me one of her yogurts again just a small detail that still today is etched in my memories, you see me and my mum were not like ‘normal’ mother and daughter I always felt like I didn’t belong I was an inconvenience who just wasn’t wanted.

At the time this was happening we lived in Doncaster, before that we lived in Hull that is were my dad’s side of the family lived. I used to commute to hull on most weekends to stay with my grandma and grandad. Sometimes they would pick me up and we would stop at a food place between Hull and Doncaster I lived the time I spent with them it was the only place I ever felt like i belonged I was happy on them weekends. When they were unable to travel my step dad would drop me off on his way to work early hours on a Saturday morning.
At first this was fine but it wasn’t long before my hell really started.
I say my hell because this is my hell everybody’s version of hell is there own and that is what really sets us apart from one another, our experiences our life lessons and of course our version of hell.

I can remember the first time it happened. I remember being in the car and we stopped at a lay by it was dark just clocked past 6am the rain falling heavy on the windscreen the sound of the wipers could barely be heard through the rain. The lay by was a secluded place not a single soul could be seen or heard. I didn’t question it I didn’t question anything I was a naive 8 year old I was a child little did I know this was the morning everything would change.

First I felt a look, a strange look I had never seen nor felt before. It made me nervous that was when he reached for my hand one placed it on top of his jeans I pulled away unsure of what was happening I remember the words ‘it’s ok don’t be scared’ but I was scared I didn’t know why I didn’t understand. He placed my hand on the same spot I felt something I hadn’t before I knew this wasn’t right I feel it deep down this was wrong.
We stayed in that spot for around ten minutes nothing much else happened on that occasion he kissed me on my lips and drive me to my grans the rest of the way it was silent I didn’t dare speak I was in shock. It was there that these earth shattering words were said “this is our little secret"

I sat at my grans that weekend quite. I didn’t know what to do I didn’t know what to say or think. I said nothing I tried not to think at all hoping it wasn’t real hoping it wouldn’t happen again. Unbeknown to me from then on out that was my life and that was nothing compared to what I would be subjected to for the next ten years.

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