Fatigue

Newton was the name of the garden where I sat,

My knees were tired,

My hands rested on my tired knees.

After much walking, I wandered into this quiet garden.

I can think of nothing but fatigue,

With two kilometers left to reach home.

A breeze blows,

I almost want to lie beneath the trees and sleep,

Even if an unholy dream comes to me,

I probably can’t risk sleeping here,

I simply don’t want to lose my credit card again.

I count and feel every step that leads me home,

Fatigue turns us into people

Stuck in crisis, in dead ends.

Reviews

[Twilight]

This one focuses upon physical rather than mental tiredness. The protagonist is possibly homeless, I concluded. Partly because, the person doesn't dare risk sleeping again in a strange garden; fearing risk of losing a credit card "again"? The person behaves too, as if in a dazed state of mind. Maybe even, it's supposed to be just an ordinary person; reacting after some kind of shock? "Fatigue turns us into people", is a line which seems to suggest that fatigue makes us more conscious of our very humanity? The final line, "Stuck in crisis, in dead ends"; might be taken as suggesting what untreated fatigue can eventually result in..?

[JayG]

From what I can see, your poems are you talking about you. I mean no insult, but, what's in it for the reader? From their viewpoint, since you provide no context, it's unrequested data.

After all, did you come here today hoping to learn how I feel? Of course not. Like everyone else, you come to poetry to be entertained. They hope to be made to feel and care. Nonfiction, the only approach to writing that we're given in school would report that the author feels sad. But poetry, written with the skills of the profession, makes the reader weep by INVOLVING them.

So, instead of reporting your emotions, and what caused you to feel them, which is the fact-based approach of nonfiction, use the emotion-based skills of the poet to make the words live.

My favorite example of how effective this can be is the lyric to the song, "The Twelfth of Never," released in 1957. Look at the opening:
- - - - -
You ask how much I need you, must I explain?
I need you, oh my darling, like roses need rain.
You ask how long I'll love you; I'll tell you true:
Until the twelfth of never, I'll still be loving you.
- - - - -
Notice the clever trick played on the reader: The speaker is replying to a question the reader supposedly asked, placing that reader INTO the poem, as the beloved who has asked that question. And since the question is one we might ask of someone who loves us, the answer is inherently interesting (especially since, if it’s a good answer we might use it).

So with “You ask,” and without realizing why, the reader is emotionally involved. To me, that’s brilliant writing, because this one line makes the rest of the poem meaningful to the reader.

In response to the question of how long their commitment will last, the speaker dismisses it as supposedly obvious. Yet it’s a critical question, so the seeming disconnect again draws the reader in, with the unspoken comment of, "Well yes, you absolutely must tell me, because I need to know." So, given the attitude placed into the reader with that thought, we WANT to hear the response, and it feels as if it's directed at us. And that is a HUGE hook. Right?

The response is 100% allegorical. It says, in effect, “I can’t live without you,” but does it in a pretty, and interesting way.

The question/answer sequence then continues with a clever twist, Love will end, but on a date that’s an impossibility.

It’s 100% emotion-based writing. It calls up context that already exists in the reader/listener’s mind. But even had they never heard the expression “like roses need rain,” it would be instantly meaningful.

It’s part of a song, but this first verse, for me, is a perfect example of emotion-based poetry.

Let's take it one step further, and look at the FLOW. It's metrical poetry, so it rhymes. But notice that the rhymes aren't the obvious Moon/June type, and the words fit the thought so well that the rhyme seems incidental, an accent rather than a drumbeat. And each line has the same cadence: seven beats per line that the reader, or singer, will fall into, enhancing the experience.

Make sense?

Jay Greenstein
Articles: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

[Mari Chubinidze]

I understand your opinion, but today you can't dictate to an author what to write about. I have complete freedom, and if the reader doesn't understand, that's their problem.

[Twilight]

I agree with you, Mari. JayG is making points, partly based upon various assumptions which he has made; and this website is for any writer to use freely. The world of poetry and writing in general, is way more diverse than he seems to think. And, he has even tried dictating what the motives of others should be. In my review, I was careful not to make assumptions; particularly in regard to the protagonist.

[JayG]

• I understand your opinion, but today you can't dictate to an author what to write about

No says you must suggestions as orders. But since most of your postings have no comments, I thought you might want to know why.

You didn't have a "Praise only, please," notation.


“Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”
~ E. L. Doctorow

“The returning student had recently come through a difficult divorce, and because her pain was significant, she wrongly insisted her writing was significant as well.”
~ David Sedaris

[Mari Chubinidze]

Unlike you, I am not petty, so please leave my page! I don't write poems for comments, and I stand above that! I don’t permit myself to insult you…