Grandma Ate My Hamster

Can Grandma be stopped?

    So this is the story of how it all started for me. I didn't ask for it, but some are destined to have greatness thrust upon them. I used to be normal. I used to be boring. I used to sell vacuum cleaners door to door. I used to scoop the ice cream from the carton before I ate it. I used to be normal.
    Then one day I was ambling down the sidewalk in your typical suburban nightmare. Shuffling past a white picket fence on my way to the next white picket fence, checking to confirm that, yes, the grass was in fact greener, before ringing the classic two toned doorbell on the next rambler. I tried to contain the excitement as I anticipated another bored housewife inviting me in to give her a demonstration of the revolutionary new vacuum that would serve as the magic doorway to the better life she had always wanted. I sighed heavily before squaring my shoulders and forcing the warmest smile I could muster as I heard her approach to answer the door. Be warm. Be confident. Stick to the script.
    "Hello, ma'am. My name is Ray Bishop and I represent the Little Giant Vacuum company. How are you today?"
    "I'm good, how are you?" The woman replied. She appeared to be in her late 20's, sensible shoulder length brown hair, wearing clothes fit for housework. She had a hand towel draped over one shoulder and a doll in her hand. Awesome. A young mother with some disposable income. This should be easy.
    "I'm doing great, and I can turn you from doing good into doing fantastic if you can spare me five minutes of your day for a quick demonstration of this amazing new product. Let me ask you this, how would you like to cut your housework time in half?"
    "In half? Well, that would be incredible!"
    "Agreed," I thought to myself, "and it probably wouldn't be true even if your housework consisted of just vacuuming"
    "Well, for just five minutes of your day I can show you how to do just that!" I said enthusiastically. I was nearly ashamed at how easily I could sound like I believed this garbage.
    "Alright, then why don't you have a seat on the sofa and I'll be right with you after I see to Grandma. Would you like some tea or coffee?" She asked, showing me to the living room.
    "No, thank you so much." I tried to sound grateful for the offer. I used to say 'yes' when someone offered beverages, but one too many times getting caught urinating in somebody's bushes have taught me to say 'no' until the last few houses of the day.
    I sat down on the sofa, 'tastefully' adorned with a crocheted afghan to protect it from spills. I looked around the cultural black hole I was sitting in the middle of. Family pictures? Check. Coffee table littered with just the right books to make someone seem intelligent and worldly? Check. Television situated to give the illusion that the room was really for entertaining guests and not watching the b**b tube every night? Check. Kitschy knick-nacks scattered about intended to be conversation starters? Check. I would have sworn I'd been in this room before. God, I was bored.
    "Grandma ate my hamster." I heard the little voice, snapping me out of my Norman Rockwell coma. There, in the doorway, stood a small girl of about 5 years old. She was wearing a pink sweater under bib overalls, with frilly pink ribbons in her hair. She all but vomited the same mediocrity of the rest of this neighborhood.
    "Pardon me, sweetheart?"
    "Grandma ate my hamster."
    "Uhhhh... is that code for something?"
    "His name was Mr. Bingo. Grandma ate him this morning."
    "I... I don't-"
    Suddenly, I heard a scream coming from the basement of the house. I jumped up from the sofa ready to run out of the house and disappear like virginity on prom night. That's the thing about a door to door job. You gotta be fleet of foot due to the alarming number of psychopathic people all too eager to invite you inside before letting you know that you'll have to 'put the lotion on or it gets the hose again'. Door to door sales really is about survival of the fastest. Anyway, I wasn't prepared to hang around to see what that scream was all about, so I booked it for the front door.
    Arriving at the front door, it flung open and smacked me dead in the face. I fell backwards landing in a pile of myself on the floor. I was vaguely aware of someone stepping over me and saying "out of the way, boy, before it kills again!" I looked up to see a large bearded man in a long gray duster and matching gray akuakubra moving quickly toward the basement door. I shook the haze from my head and stood to make a quick exit.
    I found the door to be blocked by the most stereotypical little Chinese man I've ever seen. It was like looking at Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany's, only more racist.
    "Come on, come on, no time." He said, shoving me towards the basement with surprising strength for such a little guy.
    "Hold on, man!" I protested. "I don't have any idea what you people-"
    "Chin, we've found it! Get down here, and bring my bag." Boomed a voice from the basement.  Before I knew what was happening I found myself putting one foot in front of the other in a desperate attempt not to fall down the stairs leading down to the basement as the little Chinese man shoved me. Little did I realize the foul horrors I would witness down there, but I did know basements are not traditionally kind to door to door salesmen.
    Reaching the bottom landing, we turned to see the woman I'd just met, lying contorted and bloody in a pile on the floor. There were bones sticking out of the skin all over her body and a look of absolute horror permanently smeared across her face. I looked down at her and pointed while saying, "Oh my god, is she dead?" Chin shoved his way past me.
    "Of course she dead, silly. Can you live with head on backwards?" Honestly, I'd never thought about it.
    I tore my eyes from the corpse to see the bearded man staring at the ugliest old woman I'd ever seen. The old woman was hissing at him as he held up a crucifix and yelled about the power of Christ compelling her. That's when it hit me: I was NOT going to make a sale here.
    Chin strode quickly up to the bearded man and squatted just behind him. He opened the rucksack he'd been carrying and began tossing what appeared to be religious artifacts over his shoulder. As he did this he mumbled, "No, no, no, no... Ah! Here!" He handed the bearded man a flask. The man opened it and splashed some liquid from it onto the old woman. Where the liquid hit her skin started to smoke and blister. The old woman let out an unearthly howl that seemed to penetrate right into my bones. Once again, I turned to leave, prepared to run away as fast as if I'd just seen my own grandma naked.
    Just as I turned around, I found myself looking down at the little girl. She looked down at the pile of meat and bone that was her mother just minutes ago and screamed. Grandma stopped screaming and ran with inhuman speed to snatch up the girl. Right in front of me she unhinged her jaw and shoved the little girl's entire head inside the gaping maw. I remember thinking, "dear god, what must that taste like?"
    Before Grandma could show us all whether she was a swallower or not, she was tackled to the ground by the bearded man.
    "The sanctified chains, Chin." Chin pulled a wad of chains from the rucksack and tossed them to the bearded man as Grandma slashed at him with her fingernails. The little girl sat disoriented and covered in sticky salivary goo from the neck up. I couldn't help letting the words 'dazed and glazed' come to mind. Then I thought, "wait, I should be leaving."
    I took exactly one step towards the exit before Grandma kicked the bearded man off of herself and onto me. I landed with a painful thud under the man. Grandma jumped on top of the pig pile and began clawing and biting the man. Chin jumped on top of her (these people had very little regard for my ability to breathe) and held a crucifix to her forehead. Grandma screamed the demonic howl again and threw him off. The bearded man reached into his pocket and pulled out a glass vial. He smashed the vial on Grandma's face and oils dripped down. Again, she howled demonically. She grabbed the bearded man's arm and began pulling on it. She jerked his weight completely off of me and started swinging him around. I jumped up and attempted to leave again before being knocked clear across the room by the flailing man. As I flew through the air I thought, "Man, today has been weird."
    Chin came flying past me to rescue the bearded man from Grandma's grasp, but was rewarded for his efforts by becoming a human tee ball to the bearded man's bat. He landed in the corner, out cold. Grandma tore the bearded man's arm completely out of its socket and began to beat him with it. Then she shoved his arm, knuckles first, down his throat and watched as he choked to death on it.
    "Well there's something you don't see every day: death by knuckle sandwich." Shoot. Was that out loud?
    Grandma spun around to see me lying on the floor next to the little girl. She dropped to the ground and began slithering towards me like a snake. I had no idea what to do, so I looked around for something, anything to help out. On the floor next to me I saw a glowing glass orb about the size of a cue ball that had fallen out of the bearded man's rucksack. I grabbed it not knowing what it was or what I'd do with it as Grandma stood up looking like a cobra about to strike. The little girl screamed. I screamed.
    Just as Grandma went for the strike I help up the glass ball and she swallowed it. We sat there for several seconds just staring at one another. I think neither one of us knew what had just happened. Then Grandma started vibrating with increasing intensity.
    "Uh-oh" stated the little girl. "I don't think she's gonna stop."
    Then the same kind of glowing light housed in the orb started shining out Grandma's eyes. Then came out of her mouth, then seemed to shine straight out of her very pores until Grandma released an unholy wail that must've shook the whole neighborhood and violently exploded, showering the entire basement in gore and viscera.
    I sat there, panting, covered in blood, and staring at the pile of goo that used to be Grandma. Without turning I said to the little girl, "Sorry about your gerbil."
    "It was a hamster." She said.
    "Whatever."
    So that's how I abandoned the glamorous world of vacuum sales and was recruited into demon hunting. Now Chin and I prowl the earth, keeping humanity safe from the unholy things you pretend aren't real. You're welcome.


The End.

Author's Note

My first attempt at comedy.