Chapter Sixteen: When you find out who you are

Q reads over their file and discovers their identity and their past.

Kris lurched into her apartment after Q unlocked the door. “Oh man,” Kris mumbled, rubbing her forehead. “I didn’t get old clothes and wallet back.”

             Q patted her back. “I’m sure Paul got it… Or will be willing to get it.”

             Kris nodded halfheartedly. She gestured to the couch as Cyrano and Verne tentatively walked in. Cyrano curiously examined the space while Verne stared blankly at nothing. “I have only one spare bed,” Kris told them. “So, someone can take the couch if you guys are unwilling to share.”

             Q looked mildly upset that their bed, which they haven’t slept in since Kris left, was being offered up. Verne looked at the couch, blinking slowly. “Do you have a bathtub?” Verne croaked.

             “Yeah?” Kris responded, her eyebrows scrunching together.

             “I’ll sleep in there,” Verne declared. “It’ll remind me of home.”

             Kris met Q’s equally confused gaze. “Sure, go for it,” Kris said. “I’ll show you the bathroom… and bedroom for Cyrano.”

             Kris walked down the hallway on shaky legs, stopping at the bathroom door. Opening the door, Kris waved Verne in. Afterwards, Kris pointed to the other door, saying, “That’s the bedroom.”

             Without another word, Kris whirled around and disappeared into her bedroom. Q was shocked to watch her go. They whipped their head around and smiled at Cyrano. “I’m sorry for her,” Q said uneasily. “Try to get some rest. We’ll figure out your living situation tomorrow.”

             “Very well, good night.”

             Cyrano respectfully dipped their head before going into the spare bedroom. Q heard water running in the bathroom as they went to Kris’s room. The main room was dark with light seeping out of the slightly ajar bathroom door. Q cautiously opened it to see Kris sitting on the floor. Her head rested against her knees that she held close to her body. Q stepped closer. “Hey,” They whispered, squatting and stroking her hair.

             She didn’t respond. Q felt a layer of grease coat their hand as they kept petting her. “Hmm, when is the last time you took a shower?”

             Kris faintly scoffed. “A week and a half maybe… I can’t recall exactly.”

             Q clicked their tongue, feeling more sympathy than disappointment as the sound would suggest. “Alright, let’s get you in the shower before the team gets here, kay?”

             “I’m too tired,” Kris said with a groan. “Just leave me here to die.”

             Q gasped sharply in an overdramatic way. “I’d never.”

             They lapsed into silence. Q softly transitioned from squatting to kneeling as they hesitantly placed a hand on the hem of Kris’s shirt. “Here, let me help you,” Q requested.

             “Okay.”

             Kris raised her arms ever so slightly. Grabbing the cottony shirt with both hands, Q carefully pulled it over Kris’s head. Q skillfully wrapped an arm around her ribs to pick her up enough to slip off her identical sweatpants. Q was surprised that did this without thought, and Kris was light enough for them to manage alone. Setting her down, they took off her pants.

             Q stood up, tossing the uniform in a hamper. They went to the shower and turned on the water. Thinking of something, they stepped out of the bathroom for a moment to grab a plastic stepping stool. They set it in the shower, directly under the flow. Q went back to Kris, helping her stand. Kris clung to their shoulders. They slipped off her underwear while walking them to the shower. As gently as possible, Q lowered Kris onto the stool, facing away from the showerhead and getting soaked in the process. They unclasped her bra and she took it off.

             Q jumped out of the shower, taking the wet bra with them. They threw it in the sink before turning back to observe the pitiful Kris hunched over in the shower. Her knees pressed up against the wall and her head rested in her lap. “Do you want my help?” Q asked.

             Kris bobbed her head. Q tried not to smile as they joked, “Clothed?”

             “That would be appropriate,” Kris grumbled.

             Q left the bathroom and dug in Kris’s dresser for a swimsuit. They changed into it quickly and came back to the shower. They stepped in, feeling steaming hot water pelt their back; it didn’t seem to affect Kris, though her skin turned red.

             They kneeled behind Kris, running their fingers through her hairs. Kris halfheartedly propped her head up in her hands. Q tried to undo any tangles they came across. Eventually, they reached up and grabbed her shampoo. Standing to block the water, they added a lot to her scalp. They closed the cap and set it aside before working the shampoo into her hair. When they finished, they moved so the water washed away the soap. Q stroked her hair again, smoothing it out. They gathered it up in their hands and threw it over Kris’s shoulder. Kris took that as her cue to lay her head back down.

             Q found Kris’s loofah and body wash and got to work cleaning her back. Something itched at the back of Q’s mind, worsening until they had to say it aloud. “This feels familiar,” They commented, so softly that they could hardly hear it over the running water.

             They waited for Kris to respond, convinced she had fallen asleep, as she scrubbed her arms. Kris barely opened her eyes to look at Q. “How so?” She mumbled.

             Q flipped her hair onto her back. Then, they shifted the stool and propped Kris up, her head now resting against the opposite wall. They soaped up her legs. “I’ve done this before for someone,” Q answered.

             Q looked away as they worked their way up from Kris’s abdomen. “Alright,” Kris said with a tired-of-your-s**t sigh. “Parent, loved one, sibling?”

             “I don’t know… I guess that’s what the file will tell us.”

             “Right,” Kris responded, dragging out the word.

             Q finished bathing her to their best ability. Q stood with stiff legs and turned off the water. They looked at Kris, whose breathing suggested she was truly asleep. Q dried off, giving Kris time to rest. When they were ready, Q gently shook her shoulder. Kris blinked sluggishly, her face scrunching in confusion for a moment. She seemed surprised that she was in the shower. “Come on, bud,” Q whispered. “Let’s get you in bed.”

             Kris sat up long enough for Q to wrap a towel around her. Q patted and rubbed her to a somewhat dry state. Q partially carried her to her bed where she contentedly collapsed halfway on it. “I’m going to grab you some PJs,” Q told her.

             Q found some gym shorts and a baggy tee. They returned to Kris’s side, picking up her feet to slip on the shorts. They pulled them up before helping Kris into bed. Q climbed into bed as Kris rolled onto her back. Q ran her arms through the sleeves of the shirt and put her head through it. Ignoring how poorly her shirt was put on, Kris tiredly wormed her way under the covers.

             Rolling out of the bed, Q changed out of their swimsuit. “Do you want me to rest with you?”

             A plaintive “Yes” could be heard from under layers of blankets. Q crawled beside her and stroked her hair. They spread her wet hair out on the pillow as Kris pressed her back against them. “How do you feel?”

             “Weird,” Kris responded, pressing her palms into her eyes. “Like I guess dizzy? I’m disoriented about what’s happening… Like I had a dream that I was sitting at Kennedy’s diner, but I woke up. And for a minute or two, it was hard to sort between the dream and reality.”

             “Sounds intense,” Q said fretfully. “Sleep will probably help.”

             “Yeah,” She huffed.

             That long exhale turned into a weak inhale as Kris seemed to immediately fall asleep. Q sighed, split between worry and relief. Kris was finally back and safe, though Q didn’t know the extent of the damage Flare inflicted on her.

+++++

             Q opened their eyes when they heard a faint rapping on the front door. They slowly got out of bed, trying not to wake a softly snoring Kris. Tiptoeing down the hall, they silently checked on their guests, both of whom were asleep. Q eventually made their way to the door and opened it, whispering, “Please try to be quiet, our guests are sleeping.”

             Paul nodded and the team gathered around the couch. He placed Q’s file on the coffee table. “I’ll go get Kris,” Q said. “She’s taking a nap.”

             Q came back with Kris, who examined the situation closely. Paul met her eyes, determined, but others were looking down with grim faces. Tae seemed to hide in Paul’s shadow. “Looks like a reading of the will, guys, come on lighten up,” Kris joked, feeling as if her return was not the reason for their mood. “I’m not dead yet.”

             They didn’t respond, and Kris yawned. “Well, onto the reading of the will,” Kris continued, picking up the file.

             She hesitated before handing Q the file. They accepted it with a surprised look. “Do you want to read it alone first?” Kris asked softly. “The team doesn’t need to know your life story.”

             “Um, sure,” Q replied, a nervous twinge in their voice.

             They walked over to the dining room table and sat down. Kris watched them flip open the file before plopping down on the floor in front of the team. “So, what’s been happening since I was gone? Why did you break me out?”

             “Interestingly enough, someone broke out of Flare and began terrorizing the town.”

             “Cool, so you took care of them?”

             Their downcast expressions said otherwise. Paul’s gaze flickered as he looked to the rest of the team. “No, we didn’t,” Paul admitted. “And that why we broke you out.”

             “To help you catch someone?”

             Paul evaded the question, choosing to describe the King. “His name is Charles Dauphin. We have been calling him the King because he… believes he is a King. He has the power to control people with his words and cause of that we’ve had a really hard time catching him.”

             “So, you want me to catch him?” Kris pressed.

             Paul grimaced. “We were hoping you could, maybe, kill this guy if we can get you close.”

             She scoffed. “Sure,” Kris responded sarcastically. “Add another body to my kill count cause I already have one… What’s your backup strategy?”

             “Cover his mouth,” Paul reasoned. “If he can’t speak, then he can’t control our minds.”

             “Us flying folk should be able to get in close?”

             “Didn’t wo-” Paul’s voice broke. He cleared his throat and started again, “It didn’t work last time.”

             Kris smirked, unable to conceptualize of why they were so scared. “What he got you by the gallows?”

             Kris was surprised to see Paul’s expression worsen, his brows crumpling together. Tae placed a comforting hand on Paul’s shoulder as he answered, “Nearly.”

             Leaning forward, Kris patted Paul’s hands in his lap. “I’m sorry, mate,” She said sincerely. “I was just kidding.”

             Paul shrugged, accepting the apology. “Well, that’s how serious the situation has gotten.”

             Kris looked down in thought. Eventually, she nodded. “I’ll do it if it gets that bad.”

             Kris glanced over at Q, who was watching them from the table. They stood up. “Ready for share and tell?” Kris asked lightly.

             “As ready as I’ll ever be,” Q replied, walking over to the couch. “So, my real name is Quinn Hartman… Um, I have a family in a suburb of Kattegat in the northwest, near Flare actually… My mom, little brother, and sister live there. It says that I was diagnosed with depression and gender dysphoria.”

             Q held up the file for the team to see. It was thinner than a magazine. “It’s a pretty thin file, except for an interesting footnote,” Q added before flipping it open and reading it verbatim, “’More notes on this subject can be found in Dr. Blank’s file’… I wonder what that’s about.”

             “The mystery remains open,” Kris commented. “Is it blacked out like before?”

             “Yeah,” Q said with a quick nod.

             “So, it may be written down in a different file?” Paul asked.

             “Or it’s hidden permanently,” Kris answered pessimistically.

             Q put on a clearly fake smile before sitting down beside Kris. Kris rested her head on their shoulder as the team waited. Nothing was going to happen, Paul realized. Paul straightened his back while getting up. “Well, if we have nothing else to discuss,” He said. “I think we should all get some rest. I’ll call everyone in case of emergency.”

             The rest of the team slowly got up and made their way to the door, biding Q and Kris a goodnight. Kris waved as Q cheerfully responded in kind. Paul gave them both a hug before leaving. Kris yawned. The pair went back to bed.

             Q laid on their back and Kris nestled against them. She placed her head on their chest, their heartbeat a calming metronome. Kris pressed her lips together as she thought. “Q?” She whispered.

             “Yeah?” They whispered back, their chest sinking under Kris’s head.

             “I was wondering if I could hear more from your report,” She muttered. “We’re a lot closer to each other than to the rest of the team, so if you are willing to share, then I would like to know more and support you better.”

             Kris felt a hand rest in her hair, “I do kinda want to talk about my diagnoses,” Q responded. “I’ve been feeling things you know since I started making new memories… And now, it makes sense.”

             “Feeling things?” Kris repeated.

             “Like Paul saying we’re crazy, I must’ve been called that in the past because it made me feel sick to my stomach. And doing stuff with you, sharing a bed and bathing you. The file mentioned how I was responsible for taking care of a disabled sibling while my single mom worked for hours on end… I used to share a bed with him because he would have a hard time sleeping by himself.”  

             Q’s petting accelerated as they thought of sharing something more concerning. “I also felt awful when talking to Cat aka Lazarus aka depressed girl; she gave me the creeps cause she reminded me of the old times,” Q said. “My file says the reason I was kept in Flare was because I was suicidal. And, I was suicidal because I couldn’t reconcile my gender identity with the beliefs of my family and friends.”

             “So, you hated yourself for being who you are because other people close to you hated you for being who you are?” Kris commented.

             Q nodded. “The funny-slash-sad thing is I don’t feel that way anymore… You and the team never stopped to question me, you guys just supported me and treated me like nothing was wrong.”

             Q paused to chuckle. “Maybe I’m better off not remembering this past if it’s just going to hurt,” They added.

             “This wasn’t some magical switch? You don’t remember any of this?”

             “Nope, it’s like reading someone else’s psych eval,” Q answered. “But I can accept that it’s mine and move past it… Maybe I could visit my house in disguise… find out what I used to look like, say hi to the family even if they don’t recognize me.”

             Kris worried that that could hurt Q in the long run. However, Kris thought support was what they needed to hear. “I think you should visit your family… At least for the kids’ sake. How is your mom managing without you?”

             Q understood that it was a rhetorical question, but they couldn’t help thinking that their family was struggling. Maybe her sister had taken up their mantel; maybe their mom started working less. Q wondered if their family knew they were missing. It felt unlikely that Flare would share that detail. They shook it off for the moment. “Yeah, we can visit sometime this week, but for now, it’s sleepy time.”

             Kris scoffed, moving her head onto their shoulder. “You say that like I can sleep.”

             Q gave them a look. “You’ve been sleeping since you got back.”

             “Yeah, but it didn’t feel restful… just weird,” Kris said, rubbing her eyes. “Like the dreams tire me out.”

             Q stopped petting her. “Maybe more consistent sleep will help. Try to get some rest now.”

             “I hope so,” Kris murmured as Q wrapped their arms around her.