Late nightshift 2.1

Let me love you...

As mentioned before... I am not a writer. Don't pretend to be one. I actually never pretended in being something i was not. Short personal info. I am 30, half european and halr arabian. Moved to germany from a 'not so developed' european country so i ca make 'career' as a doctor. Which i am now working on. I moved here almost 4 years ago. I did not speak the language. I had 200euros in my pocket. Thank God i had here family friends... which i call now just 'family'. They put a roof over my head, fed me and so on until i got a job in this difficult system. And that's where I am now. Working in one of the biggest clinics in germany, practically the only thig i have. My job. It was a long way to go. It was not easy. I was different. I still am different. I wear make up. I put on perfume, red or pink lipstick. I am 53kgs. Basically... I have the looks that get me the trouble so to say. People don't even know what they envy or gossip about.

Coz in the end my looks, my job, my car, my IQ... didn't bring me the thing i want the most. Love. Why am I even wanting it? hard to say. I am young, beautiful, succesfull, i can do whatever the F&&& i want. Still - this is not happiness. HE was impressed of all the above. He divined me for being a doctor and doing it all on my own. He felt safe. He felt taken care of. He felt everything he wanted to feel and didn't feel from his wife. Yes... his wife. U r probably wondering how did i ended up doing this. Well.. nowadays, someonle like me has time to meet people online mostly. So that's how we met. He told me his 'story' from the beginning, and for me it was ok, since i didn't have time for more. As the days passed I saw how his story is true...he was writing 24/7, continously, when his wife was there,  because they had this open relationship where each did whoever and stayed together just for the 2 kids. after writing for more than a month with just 10km between us... we met spontanously... I was wearing my PJ. He was dressed as a cleaning lady and his best friend as a sailor. It was Carnival time. They were partying, i was on my way to sleep... But i picked the up and we had some more drinks at my apartment. When i firstsaw him, heard him and so on... i felt like i knew him forever. Like he was always part of my life, but we were apart for a long time... Everything was so  natural... it was f*****g perfection. He was perfection. We met a few more times... it was getting more and more intense obviously. Until the day he told me he wants more. He does not want something superficial. He wants love. He wants to feel loved. He wants what he does not have at home. And stupid me did. And i really did it. I gave it all in. Things ahppened. It was hard... but it was love. We were soulmates. Few months later, he showed up with his stuff... he 'moved in'. When we were together it was perfection. It was the most natural thing in the world. More things happened... He left me. He went back to his 'family portrait'.

Which brings me to where i am now. I still feel him around me. Sometimes i can't breathe. Sometimes i feel sick to my stomach. Sometimes i bust into tears and start looking around to see if he's there, otherwise there is no explanation why I would feel him sooooo close to me. Like he is watching over my shoulder and whispers continously 'iloveu'. I know u love me ...but please let me go. U made ur decision... more than once...so please let me go. Stop tjhinking about me. Stop calling me with ur heart. U R WEAK. Stay where u r and let me go.

 

So... was this it for me? Will i always compare my future to my past. God, i hope not. I am in a good place right now, i just want him to let me go. Or come get me and have me forever. But, letting me go would be better. Healthier.

But i just had a hamburger with fries. So yes, my heart wants him so bad. I want him. I hate him. But i want him. He ruined me. My blooming soul that believed everything. That made plans. That was gonna raise his children with love. He destroyed the good in me when he said 'let me love u'...