Restless

True Love Doesnt Have A Happy Ending BECAUSE True LOVE Never Ends. Written April 2007

I am restless tonight and I think it’s because I have something to say.

 

This will not be to everyone’s taste and I know there are two people on here that are not supposed to know what I am about to say (it was not my choice to hide this from you).  One will cry when she reads this (phone me not mum please), the other has not logged in for a week or so, therefore, I hope that he is protected.

 

I want to talk about what happen on Sunday December the 17th 2006, the day I took an overdose.

 

God knows why I want to talk about this now, certainly not for sympathy and certainly not for gossip, I guess I want to open the gate way and say it is ok y'know, ok to be different, ok to be sad, ok to feel lost ... we will all feel this way at some point in our lives.  

 

There will be those of you reading this shouting "fruit loop" "freak" "nut job" go ahead, the fact of the matter is that we are all human and that we have emotions and I for one am not ashamed of this. We all have desperate moments, ITS NORMAL (and I do not like using the word normal), maybe someone somewhere reading this will think twice about their next move before it is too late, before they have the opportunity to write about it.

 

The events that lead up to December the 17th were along time coming but the signs were there, I saw them, I just thought the same as everyone else  ... that I would get over it.  Well, no, I didn't and the hate and guilt I felt almost took my life.

 

You see, I give 100% in everything I do, there is no other way for me, it is in my make up.  What I felt last year was a mixture of many things, I had heavy shoulders, I loved 100%, felt guilty 100%, felt lost 100% and that was just the start.

 

I drive my life by being good to others, a do as you would be done by philosophy, so imagine failing that for the first time in your life (and failing 100%, never by halves), my daily life was a living hell with my only solace straight vodka and 3 hours sleep a night.  Imagine that amount of guilt spread across your mind, weighing you down, riding on your back, pressuring your thoughts and then add the voice of the one you suffered all this for kicking you down further.  Imagine giving up everything you know, everything you have, hurting all your loved ones, friends and family ....... then suffering cruelty from the one light that you battled all this for.  Who would keep their head when the rabbit hole they tumbled down was so terribly deep?

 

I am attributing no blame, in fact part of the problem for my "holiday" at the hospital was through blaming myself, however, here I must to point out that they only way we learn is through repetition, so, if someone is cruel to you day in day out 24 hours a day for many months eventually you are going to believe their cruelty, especially if your already depleted strength has been totally eradicated.

 

You see even the strongest person needs help, unfortunately true to nature, most of them will never ask for it.

 

Think me a lunatic, I do not care, but just maybe, maybe in the cold light of day someone may come across this blog and decide that today is not the day for ending their life.  For that reason these are my words and this is what happened to me, you are not alone, look around ... see their faces, they know what you feel, the difference? You have chance to do something about it now.

 

Be careful,

Manoosh Crook.

 

Reviews

[Imperfection]

Imagine that amount of guilt spread across your mind, weighing you down, riding on your back, pressuring your thoughts ..
Imagine giving up everything you know, everything you have, hurting all your loved ones, friends and family .......

I can relate to this. Been a year and I still can't say that I've fully recovered. I still experience depression, helplessness and everything else that I never thought could happen to me. I don't usually share my feelings with anybody so writing about it helps a lot. I recommend it to anyone who is unhappy due to whatever reason. Also it's important to keep busy. Though it is hard to concentrate on work of any kind for long periods of time, it's a great way to keep oneself distracted. If I can win back the will to live, I might survive.

[Bhavya Kaushik]

Ahmm! This is such a great write and very poignant!
So true and real..
This also brings a sense of pain and depression in reader's mind :(
I admire your strength! :)

[Emily B]

I should have read this long ago. For that, I apologize. I wrote about my own struggles with depression once. One day I just felt like I had to share. An impromptu public service announcement, I guess. I was surprised at how many expressed understood.

It's something we fight. Every day. Sometimes we don't see how deep we have been beat down. I'm glad that you are here to tell your story.

[Just Manoosh]

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH WRITERS CAFE .......... IT DELETED MY STORY AND AGAIN I CAN NOT ADD IT BACK IN.

[Mickal]

My dear Manoosh...

I will not say I am sorry (for it really means nothing) only that I understand, and my heart TRULY aches for you at this moment (I have been here) I hate to see others in pain, even if it is a natural part of life. The kind of pain you are speaking of here is a little different and I am sure there are many loved ones in your life that do not understand.... we hardly know each other, but I'd like to think I am a good judge of people, and if you ever need someone to let loose on... I will not be offended or judge you, and I mean it when I say " I am here to not only listen but 'hear' you."
Lots of Love Xx Mickal

[Nick Erickson]

Well done again. It took a lot of strength to put this into words and out for others to read. Hopefully, as you said, others will read this at a time in their lives when they are feeling down and realize there is a lot to live for, a lot of beauty in the world.

[Celtic Cat]

It never ceases to amaze me, this world. In spite of myself, I can usually find the answers I need, the people I need, the words I need to hear. Even when I intentionally try not to. Dec 17 is a date I know, but not of last year for me. It was many years ago, a start of a new life, when I decided it was time to stop using and time to start living. However, that was many moons ago....
I understand where you were emotionally, completely. Not on my 12/17, but around the time of yours, and I'm finally starting to stand up straight again. I, too, am a 100% kinda gal, also much to my own detriment. Even a 'seer' once cautioned me about this. He said "only give 10%!", if only I was born to do that!!!
If I read this a year and a half ago, I couldn't relate. As it is, water seeks it's own level, and for some reason, I had to go down to come up. I know about blocking out all for the sake of the light, and still it not being enough.
I'm glad you wrote about this. I write here, because I know if I don't let it out it will kill me. I write here, because it's somewhat removed from my 'real world'. I write here, because I'm not brave enough to say things up close, but have no problem shouting from rooftops in the rain, through the pain.
Thanks for sharing.

[O!]

Thank you for sharing this with us.....it took strength for you to write this.......
100% is what one with compassion gives......and many lack that compassion....i am a witness of that....and like urself...sometimes a victim......
Hang in there....that's all i can say...for i do know that i cant say more than that......its a hard life....
You told the hurtful truth in this write....and u have been open to the world...with ur thoughts and experience.....i admire ur strength...

Take care...pls.

xxx,
O!

[Zane Mathias]

give and give a 100% i know the feeling I am lucky to get 25% back- less than half the time. you are right tho i have had thought like this before but i thought people could change. but they didn't -( i have been hurt by so many im not going to hurt my self) your words have made me think more tho. thank you you have much talent

[Ramiz Ilham Khan]

very poignant and real ..