Touched

Trying to pen down something for my sisters wedding ..... it can't be religious, I don't want it to be too complex (variety of wedding guests) and I really need to do it today/tomorrow

Touched

 

When you came I saw something….

 

Something remarkable,

Something sensational,

Something and everything.

 

When you spoke I felt something….

 

Something beautiful,

Something wonderful,

Something and everything.

 

When you smiled I lost something…

 

Something sad,

Something dark,

Something and everything.

 

With you here I have found something …..

 

Something amazing,

Something incredible,

Something and everything.

 

You - my everything,
Who makes me feel....like something. 

 

 

Author's Note

I NEED YOUR URGENT HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reviews

[Oz in Exile]

Since this is going to be a public reading at a family event, I can see why you're trying to keep it simple and lyrical. I think you'll find that it'll have appeal across the board both for the sentimentality - it is a special day after all - and the accessible language. One thing I would like to see though, is a stronger ending. Instead of repeating what's been said in the poem already, I think it would be better to have the final line echo the title in some way. If I may, here's what I would suggest as an ending:

"You - my every thing,
Who makes me feel....like something."

It still has the words 'something' and 'everything' but they have a bit more power now and the term 'feel' will remind the reader (or listener) of the title. But again, that's just my suggestion. The poem works as it is and like I said, should have appeal across the board. Bravo, my dear! Namaste

Don

[RAWR!]

aww mooshy
thats very sweet ^^

[Phil Sanders]

Good revised ending ....

[Just Manoosh]

Oz, thats fabulous, I will change the end ... I want to change the end. Mx

[Siddartha Beth Pierce]

Great Manoosh - very touching...I think you have done a wonderful job. Congrats. to your sister as well. Thank you.
Light,
Siddartha

[Floating on the feather..]

Hey this is so lovely. As simple as it could get but the underlying meaning is beautiful with depths of wonder.
Lovely write. Really appreciate it.:-)

[Raef C. Boylan]

This could be The One, y'know. Like you say in your notes, it's simple enough to appeal to a wide age range and short enough to hold attention spans, whilst being intense enough to convey the marriagey love.
Reads kind of like those vows that some couples write themselves as opposed to using the religious ones; they face each other and express their love for one another.

If you choose this one, I hope they like it.

Lots of pauses throughout, which added to the intensity of it.
Good work.

[Zane Mathias]

Wow This one is amazing. Great job M love it. B.P.

[Gandré]

when this text will be properly recitated... from memory.... it's going to move many. I liked it!

[Phil Sanders]

This is beautiful .....