Touched

Trying to pen down something for my sisters wedding ..... it can't be religious, I don't want it to be too complex (variety of wedding guests) and I really need to do it today/tomorrow

Touched

 

When you came I saw something….

 

Something remarkable,

Something sensational,

Something and everything.

 

When you spoke I felt something….

 

Something beautiful,

Something wonderful,

Something and everything.

 

When you smiled I lost something…

 

Something sad,

Something dark,

Something and everything.

 

With you here I have found something …..

 

Something amazing,

Something incredible,

Something and everything.

 

You - my everything,
Who makes me feel....like something. 

 

 

Author's Note

I NEED YOUR URGENT HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reviews

[Oz in Exile]

Since this is going to be a public reading at a family event, I can see why you're trying to keep it simple and lyrical. I think you'll find that it'll have appeal across the board both for the sentimentality - it is a special day after all - and the accessible language. One thing I would like to see though, is a stronger ending. Instead of repeating what's been said in the poem already, I think it would be better to have the final line echo the title in some way. If I may, here's what I would suggest as an ending:

"You - my every thing,
Who makes me feel....like something."

It still has the words 'something' and 'everything' but they have a bit more power now and the term 'feel' will remind the reader (or listener) of the title. But again, that's just my suggestion. The poem works as it is and like I said, should have appeal across the board. Bravo, my dear! Namaste

Don

[Solst Rapture]

I hope you managed to arrive at a version that you were comfortable with. Recently, at my wedding we danced to 'You are my everything' by Mary J Blige, so this taps right into that water table and conjures up a myriad of feelings. I sang this to myself, modifying the intonation of each repeated word and I have to say, it was a nice little moment in time for me.

I hope you're well. I'm human again and see so much clearer. Time to let myself off the hook!

All the best.

[Wildecat]

This is a well crafted poem, you my everything that makes me feel like something. Well done.

[Samith Pich]

Either way I'm sure you did a great job at your sister's wedding (if it's passed). Visually, the poem looks beautiful. The tone is earnest and the rythym natural. You've kept the language compact but accessible (a must for public crowds)

I'm uncertain about th ending, I know what you're trying to get at. The uncertainness comes from me not knowing whether this poem is a dialogue between the groom and your sister (or vice versa) or between you and your sister).

Either way, ending with 'something' is rather ambiguous, where as earlier you were crystal clear, and perhaps i find it strange for a poem that has lots of personal growth and strength you finsih in a way that to me seems a bit self defeating. But I know what you're trying to get at lol

Some suggestions: perhaps just repeating the first lines - When you came, spoke, when you smiled I was already something, together we are everything' etc etc

meh. it can be a fine line between heartfelt and schmaltzy :P

thanks for sharing

[Orlando Murcia]

You have written such a beautiful piece here
I loved every part of this heartfelt poem

Great work!!

Orlando M

[These Haunted Hallways]

Madam Manoosh, this is so awesome!! Very loving, romantic, and witty. Truly very beautiful words, and im sure she loves it very much. U really know how to make people smile, i assure u hehe ;)

Beautiful Composition :)

B.A.

[Raja]

astounding word impact! You just present the emotional facets beautifully by the stanzas. A nice read and a warm feel! I like the flow of words, the simple facts of love, and the momentary effects the lines do have.

Good Work.

Thank You.

Raja.

[Celtic Cat]

It's gorgeous; simply. Love it.

[The Random Writings Of ..]

Why your urgent help, this is a great piece, so much feeling and so much of the love we are all looking for. That person who gives us something and makes us everything. That happens once in a lifetime. Great write
XOXO

[emz]

I think this is beautiful... and if you read it at my wedding i would be truly proud


well done


x

[Emily B]

This is beautiful.