Kids Who Watch Care Bears Grow Up To Be Terrorists

At the Criminal Studies Convention at Milan on Saturday, August 9, terrorist expert Villyard Booyack demonstrated with credible evidence that the show Care Bears induces feelings of spite in kids and that when they grow up they are more than likely to join a terrorist organization.

 

“Care Bears shows teddy bear like creatures with hearts on their chests who go around healing and exhibiting their love for other creatures,” says Booyack.  “Clearly this is what the terrorist does: he shows his love for others by killing thousands of people by hijacking planes and setting off bombs in a civilian area in a time when there is no war.  If you cannot see how the two are connected, you must be obtuse.”

 

Jill Hornblow and Vanessa Blick, of Detroit, were at the assembly, and they recorded some of the statements of speakers:

 

“Care Bears is not the only thing corrupting our youth.  We also have to worry about Little Red Riding Hood, which is known to cause kids to grow up alcoholics; Dora the Explorer, which induces them to schemes of bank robbery; and Hannah Montana, which teaches children that they can get away with murder.”  - Doofus Jack, head of the Anti-Monopoly League.

 

“We have to be weary of what our children watch.  Thirty years ago, Phil Phillips warned us about the evil of cartoons, especially something called He-Man, which causes kids to do satanic things.  Pokemon is known to teach that rape is just a necessary thing; Foster’s Home For Imaginary Friends has been known to show images of mob rule, and it is well-known that Shaman Battleox, the head writer of Foster’s, is a communist.  And don’t get me started on the evils of Spongebob Squarepants.  In that show the title character has a pet SNAIL, for Godsakes!  Little do people realize this, but snails are the sign or sorcery and Wiccans; not serpents.  This is kept secret from the public because people are not supposed to know the true mascot of wickedness; but I know all, I see all, I hear all.” – Natalie Prewett, a member of M.A.D.D.

 

“It pains me to stand before you and administer the evidence that Powerpuff Girls causes adults who watch it to become pedophiles.  Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup are just too attractive; men masturbate to their images.  We believe that in ten year’s time, when the boys who watched it as kids are in their late twenties and early thirties, they will be pedophiles too.” – Mannik Doowung, a criminologist who specializes in child molestor.

 

These are just a few of the myriad proofs of the evils of children’s television programs.  But Care Bears is the worst, especially in this age of terror.  As John Vorwykk has pointed out, “You can see it mostly with five-year-olds.  Look at kids who have seen Care Bears versus those who haven’t.  The ones who have are generally more aggressive.  Shut your television off if you want them safe.”

 

The television industry has also corrupted the young ones with hits like Barney, Naruto, and Teletubbies.  One mother whose son had watched Teletubbies was reported to break down in tears.  “Harry had so much potential, till he sat down and watched that show.  He began to think of bad things…he drew pictures of his father being killed by mobs, the mafia, and madmen with axes.  And then one night he murdered his cousin.  He was only seven.”

 

But what our kids see on screen isn’t all we should watch out for.  Dr. Seuss is very, very evil, and he passes his subtle malice on to children.  “’Green Eggs and Ham,’” says meteorologist Simeon Horwick, “has overt references to cocaine and heroin.  The main characters says “I do not like green eggs and ham,’ but at last he accepts it.  Basically, it teaches that peer pressure will conquer all and your kids will be druggies if they read it.”

 

Some of the worst are “The Babysitters Club,” about teenage girls who get in bed with boys while their supposed to be watching infants; “The Boxcar Children,” about four children detectives who must discover the instigator of such violent crimes as murder and abuse, and the way the perpretrator speaks makes it sound as though these heinous deeds are noble; and “The Berenstein Bears,” which shows a family of bears whose cubs fight at school.  The latter also gives people the wrong impression of women; Mrs. Berenstein is a typical housewife.  Anti-feminism is worse than racism, and must be quelched.

 

Monitor everything your children watch and read.  We suspect that nothing is safe.  We are only trying to warn you.  If you don’t take our warning, don’t blame us when your children grow up and become thieves, rapists, murderers, terrorists, hooligans, and torturists.

 

Reviews

[Tai-San]

Mane, this is...odd. Koolio, but odd. It's good.