Unknown Killer

She cant move because if she does she too will be dead.

I crouch in the corner
Afraid to make a sound
For my unknown killer might hear me
And take my precious life away from me

I dont know who
Or even what he is
Just another unknown killer
That took me from this life I lived

I hide away
In a room he keeps me in
Its dark
And smells of rotten wood

I am a lifeless soul
And another hopeless victim
Whose life is slowly
Fading away

Around me I see skeletons
Of unknown victims
That were hopeless souls like myself
Now dead....

I move an inch
And take one breath
And then I hear it
Footsteps from my unknown killer

The door opens
Here my unknown killer stands
He aims his gun at me
And bang! I'm dead...

Author's Note

I dont know. I was just bored and everyone wanted something new so I guess this will have to do. Hope you like it! It mite need some work so tell me what you think

Reviews

[Su]

Wow really good

[MagiCrystal]

aw,

[Queen of Hearts]

Really good, I felt the fear. It might of been better as a story though. It as still really good!

[Wolfe Greytome]

Not bad......agian, it is different from what you usually write. I think it admirable that you are choosing to write outside your comfort zone, and while this piece isn't your greatest write, it is nevertheless a good write.

[Havatara]

I liked it. Maybe it would have been better as a story? It was still really good.

[kbjami]

Really is intense. Maybe take out the last 2 words "I'm dead"
I think that if that's taken out then it would be more powerful cause it makes you wonder some how, but yet it still has the same effect if not more powerful than having "I'm dead" in the poem. Also maybe use a different word for "unknown killer" I like how you have it in red, but I think it could possibly have a better name than just that. Maybe secret killer? How about faceless killer? Well this is still very well done.

[Emily]

Very interesting. Unknown killer may be written too many times. You could refer to him/her by descriptions of the tortures or the scary aspects, "dark eyed shadow' thinngs like that -- because stating the "unknown killer" was quite tough so often.

Nice work though -- for something different you've done well!

[SamBug]

I loved this poem!

[Scarlet Pulse]

This poem is actually good and different. It could use some touch ups here and there. At the end I would leave it Bang! Leave out the And, and Im dead. Leave it for the audience to chose if you are dead or not. Maybe you got shot and were rescued, maybe you did die. But leave it in suspense. Good Job.

[PaperHearts]

Woahh. This was totally different to what you usually write! Haha. I thought this was a great write. The intensity and suspense that you created was pretty heartstopping, and the way you constructed the scene really blew me away; I could almost smell the rotten wood and hear the creak of the door opening. For something so cleverly constructed, I thought that the ending was rushed and kind of defeated the purpose of the whole building up of the scene. Overall though, I thought that this was a real improvement on your writing. :)
~PaperHearts