Racing

Molly,
I don't know where you're going to end up based on two chapters...but I can tell you this....you definitely have a knack for story telling...You mad it interesting, descriptive, and for the time being anyway, a tale I might like to follow. There are many things (grammar, syntax, and structure) that need work....but that shouldn't stop you at all. Your colorful imagery lets me know exactly who the characters are and makes me care about them.
Continue to write and edit as you go along.
Look at other writes to see how they handle dialogue and .....I almost hate to say this....but rewrite sentences that end in prepositions. Ex teacher talking now.
All in all a superb start, Molly
allen

Posted 12 Years Ago

No idea where you should go with this, but I loved it D: you ruined the surprise!

Posted 12 Years Ago

If there was one thing that was done well, it was that the emotions were clear. I have to nod respectfully at the insight you give in Malaise's emotions. However, I frowned at the ending which you described. It seems to break the believable reality of the rags-to-riches story. It could have been a well-structured drama about prejudice because of wealth and being born lucky, if that's how you chose to continue it. The writing style was understandable, but I disliked reading phrases like "right away" and "stuffed full". They make the rest of the story feel informal and unprofessional.

Posted 12 Years Ago

Dang, i reviewed this but the review didnt clear : Stupid site.....

I loved it... I will message you the details later :)

Posted 12 Years Ago

Very good story. Here's some advice I never follow but should: after you get an idea and start jotting a few things in, stop for a nano second and write a beginning/middle/end sketch, very much like in your Author's note. then go on writing like you've done here,you'll be amazed at the results. If you get in a habit of doing it, it won't seem obtrusive to your wonderful creativity.

You have a "novelist's flow" style to your writing, and a good sense of observation and inner perspective to go back and forth with.

The reason I gave the advice above is because the story stretches out in the last paragraphs and the pace slows down, where it should be picking up.

Interesting name for a girl, Malaise..... if it's intentional, a little bit about it should be revealed in the opening.

Very good writing, you are definitely according to your profile a multi-talented young woman. Good stuff.

Posted 12 Years Ago

very good! only critiques are that the pacing is a bit fast, and malaise could be introduced a little more gradually.But otherwise well done! :)
{Oo...I hope she doesn't get brainedwashed too...}

Posted 12 Years Ago

This is good so far... I liked the characters n I cant wait to see the rest

Posted 12 Years Ago

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Marvelous piece. This can go so many ways right now. I loved the Fur Elise part (I love playing that piece too. Hmmmmm. Such a beautiful piece. I especially love the A minor) There's a nice flow to this story. Definitely interesting, and I'll be keeping watch on this piece! You have a delicate style!

Posted 12 Years Ago

But she knew one thing " she was going to have a hard life. --I think you either forgot the quotations at the end, or you should erase them from after the word "thing".

So beautiful that people stopped and stared " and tossed money into the hat that the old man had lain out. --I'm not sure why you put quotations in the middle of that sentence. Hahah

A crystal chandelier hanging down from the ceiling, --To make the rest of the sentence complete, you should maybe add the word "was" after "chandelier".

I would also add a bit more conversation between Malaise and the headmaster of the school.

Your descriptions and details are WONDERFUL!! I really think it's your strong point, and it makes the book flow together very well. I really enjoy it a lot so far and I look forward to seeing where you continue to take it. :)

Definitely one of the best few chapters I've read on here, if not the best.

Posted 12 Years Ago

I'm having trouble continuing this story. Any ideas? :) The headmaster brainwashing the girls into making bombs for him would be exciting, but idk how he's going to do that without it sounding like some fantasy novel. It can't be some magical song on the piano that branwashes them (my sister's idea haha) or some potion. Ideas on this would be greatly appreciated(: thanks a bunch!

Posted 12 Years Ago

your style of writing is more than awesome.
I hesitated to start when i saw it long first, but when i began i couldnt stop.
The way your story flows and the pictures it shows is incredible.
And the topic of story itself is so interesting.
I hope you are working to continue it because i am waiting for it

Posted 12 Years Ago