Racing

Molly,
I don't know where you're going to end up based on two chapters...but I can tell you this....you definitely have a knack for story telling...You mad it interesting, descriptive, and for the time being anyway, a tale I might like to follow. There are many things (grammar, syntax, and structure) that need work....but that shouldn't stop you at all. Your colorful imagery lets me know exactly who the characters are and makes me care about them.
Continue to write and edit as you go along.
Look at other writes to see how they handle dialogue and .....I almost hate to say this....but rewrite sentences that end in prepositions. Ex teacher talking now.
All in all a superb start, Molly
allen

Posted 12 Years Ago

I didn't like it.... Honestly, I loved it (: Amazing story, and I can't wait to read more! It especially kept my interest, because I play the piano as well. Well done.

Posted 12 Years Ago

I only read chapter one but I think you're off to a decent start. When you name a character something with a great deal of meaning like Malaise I think you need to connect the reader more immediately to why you did that. It is a tool that is sometimes used by writers to good effect but it needs to be done with more awareness. Read pilgrims progress, its the most extreme example of it. The big thing to be careful of is when you give a character such a name it has to directly reflect the character or it will be extremely distracting from your purpose. Secondly, even when the character fits right with that name it makes the reader aware of the author. Whenever you are reading a book, you usually want to remain unaware of the story as an artificial construction of the author's imagination. The name Malaise is not a common or natural one and it is too obviously invented by the author You want the readers to be able to allow the story to be as real as possible to them. When you give names like this the reader is constantly reminded of the authors presence and it takes away from their ability to lose themselves in the story. It can be done well though, you just need to know exactly what effect it has and how to use it. Go read some stories where the author has done it well and you will learn more than I could tell you.

Posted 12 Years Ago

major coolies. i liked it. has a strong presence.

Posted 12 Years Ago

This is amazing! Great detail, and a fabulous beginning. Keep it up!

Posted 12 Years Ago

Molly,
I don't know where you're going to end up based on two chapters...but I can tell you this....you definitely have a knack for story telling...You mad it interesting, descriptive, and for the time being anyway, a tale I might like to follow. There are many things (grammar, syntax, and structure) that need work....but that shouldn't stop you at all. Your colorful imagery lets me know exactly who the characters are and makes me care about them.
Continue to write and edit as you go along.
Look at other writes to see how they handle dialogue and .....I almost hate to say this....but rewrite sentences that end in prepositions. Ex teacher talking now.
All in all a superb start, Molly
allen

Posted 12 Years Ago

So far the plot is interesting, but I don't quite dig that nuclear bomb thing...but I guess it'll work out when you write that part. It's very original! And your expressions are also good.

Posted 12 Years Ago

Nicely written. :) I liked the adjectives you used, they painted a picture for me to see the story, good work!

Posted 12 Years Ago

There are some grammatical errors that need work and some structure that could be improved upon, but you need to go on and get this story out as a draft and keep revising it. This is a VERY GOOD BEGINNING and the story sounds very inspirational. I can't wait until you get it finished! Keep up the good work, Darling!

Posted 12 Years Ago

Wow! That was amazing. So very well written. Just one thing I'd like to tell you. In the beginning, you started off beautifully using an exquisite choice of words. Owing to this fact, 'heck she was sixteen' seems slightly off place. Otherwise it was wonderful. I'd really like to read the following chapters when they come. If you want to know how to continue it, I'd say it's quite obvious. Talk about the dinner that day and how her coaching goes. Could add a few friends, enemies, troubles, happinesses, et cetera. Hope that helps!

Posted 12 Years Ago

Good story. I enjoyed it a lot.

Posted 12 Years Ago