Legend of Doorman

There was the bell hop hat that celebrated the systematic courtship style serenely of Gook child Macy. The hat, satin, black and oval as the eyes of the Hopper that wore it before, nearly a century ago, now sat placidly on her contemplating yet nervous skull. The hat atop her head stirred marvelous thoughts and sexy suggestions about her third man crush in a month: the Barnes & Noble security guard/doorman, hence the name, Doorman. Though Doorman did not wear a bellhop hat he sported a sleek suit which blanketed his tall, elongated body. His hair, at first, Macy thought rather careless and boring, but on a recent visit to the bookstore she found that he had actually taken pride of his statute appearance by garnering a fresh haircut, trimmed rather short on the sides and a crest of black water curled in a gelled comb. Macy twitched in delight and stupor. His smile was fresh and his eyes seemed to twinkle with genuine warmth. His stance was affectionate and his vocal biddings were kind and genuine partings, pronounced the same each time, "Have a good night." Macy peeked at him from behind the shelves of fiction, hid behind the Words of the Barn and drank in this tall drink of water. If she had a penis, she would have a boner. She watched his every move, all the while trying not to drool or get caught in her intoxicated trance. People passed by her glancing over book titles but Macy remained poised in her lustful perspective pointed at Doorman. She watched his hands cup over the front of his pants. She watched the way he looked around room, trying not to appear bored. She noticed his a hand quickly zip up the front of his pants, and in his mind he knew that nobody saw him do that just now because he did it with such discretion, but in reality he was spotted by one entranced soul. Gook child Macy peered her eyes for a ring on the left hand but couldn't make it out. She stared in rage as he reached into his inside coat pocket and thumb out a text message. Who was he texting his girlfriend? Or was it his mom, texting her that what he craved for dinner was a sweet bowl if ravioli. Both thoughts frightened her, for she feared he was either not single or just a Mamas Boy. Suddenly Macy looks up to his baby face and is electrified by the Doorman's eyes looking into her own, piercing her soul and licking her libido. Oh the embarrassment, the humility! Macy ducked, and, red-faced, paced away to a different section of the bookstore. She ended up in the magazine section, where she stood silently behind him off to the side pretending to study a fashion magazine but really she was studying the Doorman's butt. All of this had happened at once, Macy felt overwhelmed with this sudden crush. She had an idea. A great idea. Macy had to leave the bookstore, her brother had bought his book and was ready to go, but when she would come back she would talk to him. As she approached the doors, Doorman smiled at her sweetly and said, "Have a good night." Macy smiled. Weeks pass and Macy is even more torn over by this love triangle between her and Alex Turner and the Doorman. Alex had always been her #1, but Alex was just a part of her dreams. Alex wasn't real, he was just a voice in her ear hymning out of the speakers, and he was just a face of pixels on her iPod. Sadly, she succumbed to the realization that her desire for Turner was without reason of logic. Though she had seen him once in concert, she knew she would probably never get to actually make babies with him, even though thats what she dreamed of. It was terribly sad. But on the bright side, Macy had developed a replacement for her obsession. Doorman was real, he was tangible, he was there, and she knew where to find him if she wanted to. But Alex was just a celebrity musician, a picture, a recording, a video, a song. She didn't know where to find him, he could be anywhere in the world. Alex wasn't tangible. She couldn't reach into her iPod screen and touch him or stroke his precious baby face. But the Doorman was a real person, alive and she knew it. She could reach out and touch him if she really felt like it. She started to eventually prefer Doorman's baby face over anything. She was now obsessed, addicted to the delightful thought of Doorman. Macy decided to go back. Multiple times she had went to the bookstore, told herself she would talk to him , but then chicken out and not do anything but exit with her head down. Soon Macy developed some balls and actually confronted him on several occasions and spoke to him, blushing and stuttering in his Devine presence. He had been cute and courteous. But of course he was paid to be cute and courteous. But there was something in his eyes that made Macy's heart sing in wonder and compassion. She had did it! She talked to him, had a remarkable little chat with him. She felt proud of herself. But she still didn't feel fulfilled. There was something else she must do. And then she got a grand idea. Two weeks passed before Macy returned to the bookstore. But when she did she was dressed in the same uniform as Doorman, bluish black suit with dress shoes. But fashioned along with the suit, she was accompanied with the black bellhop hat. Macy approached the entrance and took a deep breath. Well, she thought, Here we go. She pushed open the doors and immediately saw Doorman in his regular spot, to the left. The back of his head was so beautiful. She cleared her throat to make her presence known, and she stood on the right side of the entrance, symmetrically to Doorman. She cupped her hands and placed them under her naval, just like Doorman did. It was five seconds before he saw her standing there, after directing some old man to the bathroom. He smiled and laughed and said, "What are you doing?" Macy laughed too and said, "Thought you might need some help standing by the doors, Doorman." Doorman smiled weird. "Did you just call me Door Man?" Macy snapped and pointed her index fingers at him, "Hey thats you alright." Doorman giggled and shrugged. "Haha, I guess you can help." An old couple finished their transaction at the cashier and walked in between Macy and Doorman through the security alarm. It went off and Macy was the first to react, as she jumped in front of the old couple, her bellhop hat sliding off crookedly to the side, she held her hands in front of her and yelled, "Woah woah woah, old people, what are you trying to steal, the book The Fountain of Youth?" She pointed to the Doorman. "Doorman, search these b******s." Doorman suddenly appeared by her side. "She's right," he said. "Ive been watching these old f***s for years. Ive always been suspicious of them, because every time they come here and leave, the alarm always goes off. But they show me their receipt, so I don't search them. But that doesn't mean that they didn't steal anything. They could have bought something cheap and stolen what they actually came here for, to trick the system. Well, I tell you, Im not buying it anymore." Doorman looked at Macy and said, "Search her purse, Ill search him." The old couple looked disturbed and pissed off. "What is the meaning of this?" The old man said as Doorman probed him, patting him down his old legs. "This is an outrage!" Macy looked at the old ladies face. "Ma'am, Im going to need to search your purse." The old lady backed up and pulled her purse away. "I don't think so." Macy reached out and grabbed the purse and yanked it from the old persons grip. The old lady let out a cry of struggle, and looked at her husband who was pushed up against the wall by Doorman. People were staring at the scene. Macy opened the purse and, to her surprise, found a book and pulled it out. "Got it." She tossed it to Doorman. He looked at the book and looked up at the old lady who was now in tears. "Well, well , well. It looks to me that I was right to be suspicious all along. These old f***s have been stealing from here for years, walking right pass me every week as I bid them goodnight. Well not anymore." Doorman lifted up his coat slightly to reach his belt. Macy was surprised when she saw a holstered gun. But the Doorman grabbed handcuffs and put them on the old lady, and then put another pair on the old man. He grabbed also a walkie-talkie off his belt and said into it, "Security, this is Doorman at Barnes & Noble. Yeah we got a 10-33. An couple of old people, maybe 70, maybe 80. But not too old to go to jail. They stole a book--" he looked at the cover of the book Macy confiscated from the old lady, "--Old People Problems, by Thomas Smith. Well it suits the crime." He put his walkie-talkie away and said, "You two f***s are going away for a long time." Within minutes the police showed up. Red and blue flashed off the lights of the bookstore, and Doorman and Macy watched the old thief couple escorted out to a police cruiser by some cops. Doorman turned to Macy and said, "Hey good job in there, you really did good." Macy smiled and said, "I know, right." The managers approached them and congratulated Doorman. They patted him on the back. "I couldn't have done it without her." He looked at Macy. "What is your name anyway?" Macy blushed and told him. He smiled. The managers were pleased with the arrest. They said that for months, old people books were being lost from the stock, and they slowly realized that they were systematically being stolen. They turned to Macy and asked her if she would like to work along side with Doorman, making sure that no more books got stolen. Macy said, "Yes! Of course!" Out of the corner of her eye she saw Doorman looking at her, she could feel his eyes on the side of her face. She looked at him and they smiled. The managers said that she could start next week. They said also to wear the same suit, with the bell hop hat. They said it was a nice touch, and that maybe Doorman should wear one too. Doorman nodded in agreement. Later that night, when Doorman got off, He and Macy walked into the parking lot. He said that he was glad she was going to work with him. He said that the usual girl doorman was fat and ugly, nothing at all like Macy. They got to his car, a black Porsche. Doorman looked at Macy and immediately kissed her. "Ive wanted to do that ever since I noticed you stalking me." "I know, right?" "You look so cute in that hat. I can't wait to wear mine." "You will look adorable." "Macy, could I give you a ride home?" "You're so kind. Thank you." They got in the Porsche. In ten minutes they were at Macy's house; Doorman drove fast. Just as Macy was about to get out of the car he kissed her again. He said, I'll see you on Monday." He winked and Macy gasped in fascination. She was about to close the door when she leaned her head in the car one last time and asked, "Hey, I still don't know your name." He revved the engine, like a badass. He grinned. "They call me, Doorman." And he backed out of the driveway and sped down the road in his Porsche towards the midnight lights of Fresno.

Author's Note

A true story.