Hated by God

One day I was really depressed and feeling like a failure and decided to write about my problems to get it out. Since this writing I have receive tons of support, and words of encouragement from a LOT of people - and for that I am truly appreciative. I

With each passing day it gets harder and harder to cope...

I understand that what is going on is a result of my own stupidity - trusting those who have shown me time and time again that they are not worthy of my trust and cannot be trusted - under no circumstances.

J said to me last night that he spent so much time trying to figure me out - waiting for an explanation from me about why I kept going back to them, after they shat on me time and time again.

All I can say is it was some kind of sick loyalty.

I was raised to believe that nobody else could be trusted except them - and even though I saw otherwise, internally, I made excuses for why they did the things they did to me.

They'd put the blame on me and I would accept it - adopt it, as if it were my own. I'd blame myself for not being good enough.  I'd blame myself for the way they treated me...for the things they did - for them not loving me.

It's hard to get someone else to understand, because to them it doesn't make any sense...but I am no psychologist - I can't break it down in layman's terms...

Yes, I am was sick, or brainwashed I guess...and it's hard for someone who comes from a semi-normal (what's normal anyways?) upbringing to understand where I'm coming from.

I wasn't brought up to be my own person, I was brought up to be their person.

Just as an abusive husband or mate isolates their victim, I was isolated - no friends really, afraid to trust - no family, nobody but them.

When I did venture out on my own and began dating, I picked the same loser a*s guy over and over again...until

Until I met my husband, which really showed me there must be a God because he is SO not like any other man [they weren't really men] that I have ever been with.

Now, I'm not really sure who I am.  I did like myself, but now I wonder if I am likable to other people.

I am basically all but shunned by my in-laws, I have no friends here.

There has to be a reason why.

Maybe it is because I am truly unhappy with myself - I am miserable and depressed and trying to avoid that fact.

My life seems to be in a constant downward spiral with very little upturn - and everyone close to me [husband and kids] are suffering because of me.

Now, we are living in an apartment that it looks like we re about to lose, our phone just got turned off, lights and gas look like they are next...

We are only eating thanks to food stamps...and if we get put out, we have nowhere to go - well, I don't anyways.

Sometimes I wonder why God even has me here.

I've tried to take myself in the past, but the love for my kids wouldn't let me.

But since I've decided to stick around it has only gotten worse.

Maybe I should've done it while I had the courage to.

I feel like such a sham - I try to come off as happy go lucky to all those around me, but the truth is I hate myself and always have.

I no longer have it in me anymore - I'm tired of screwing up the lives of all those around me - I am tired of being disliked..tired of feeling left out, tired of messing up.

I hate myself and I hate this life.

I'm not good at anything, I can't stick to anything, I can't keep a job...

I can't take this anymore, I really can't.

I keep trying to tell myself how there are plenty of people out there worse off, but it doesn't keep it from hurting as  bad as it does.

Why did God give me this life?

Why does God hate me?

Author's Note

Again, thanks for the support, but honestly I got over it after writing this. :)
Things still look kind of grim, but I am way more optimistic today than a few days ago!

Reviews

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that s very hard staff. looks like like page from some diary . if is all true what you write . i wish you your life change to the better. i think everybody at life reach point when they are completly down without sense why they are on the life. this feeling what should do next. i think is important you write down. and let another people to read. someone can help he is not alone. up there is thousands and thousands people like him or her. so they don t have feel shame. and they can do something about that. speak out and start holding each other.