First Bite

Vampires are an open secret in her world.They exist but most people pretend they don't know because they would rather not.But Antonia is shocked when she agrees to donate to a vampire and she likes it

Antonia expected the pain. It came as no surprise, but she still couldn't help the little gasp that slid from between her clenched teeth. But she didn't struggle--she'd been told that struggling would only make it worse. So she fisted her hands in her lap as the man buried his teeth in her throat and began to drink. His hands on her shoulders turned her to a more convenient angle for him, and she did not resist, not even when the low growl of desire he made caused her to shiver slightly in fear.

What did surprise her was the pleasure that came shortly after his fangs penetrated her skin. She gasped again, and this time a low, breathless moan slid from between her lips. Her eyes slid shut, her fists uncoiling, and she let her head fall back to give him--what name had he given her? Alex? Andrew? No, Andre--to give Andre better access. He grunted and moved closer, his hands sliding down to her hips and jerking her hard against him. Antonia could barely contain another moan.

She had heard before that a vampire could make a victim feel pleasure, but she had never believed it--how could someone penetrating your skin with their teeth and pulling your blood from your body be a pleasant experience? But now, she could feel it: It wasn't about the teeth that had first pierced her flesh. It was about the cool, tight grip on her hips. Or the soft mouth on her neck that was far too tender for any pain to register in her brain. It was about the heated look in those dark eyes and the responding blush that rose on her cheeks.

She shivered again. This time, it was in response to desire instead of fear. His cool breath caressed her skin as Andre chuckled slightly. It was a rich, dark sound, and it stirred something deep inside of her. She met his dark eyes and there was amusement there, as well as a predatory light that she had seen only in hunting animals before. She shivered again, and a smirk curved up his lips, which he licked lustfully as he pulled away from her throat.

"Do I frighten you, Antonia?" he almost purred. The sound of his purr caused her pulse to quicken, and she had to lean back against the wall of the bar as her head spun.

"Not scared," she mumbled, but even to her own ears it didn't sound convincing. She doubted it would fool him--especially when he could probably hear her heart pounding so rapidly. He confirmed her fears with another low chuckle. He touched her neck lightly, then pulled his fingers away. They were stained red with Antonia's blood. He licked them clean, watching her reaction. She felt goosebumps rise on her arms and he must have seen the unease in her eyes, because he laughed softly. The sound did nothing to calm her racing pulse.

"Humans--such irrational creatures," he mused, still watching her. "Your instincts tell you to run from me, from my kind, but instead you come willingly, offering yourself like a lamb to be slaughtered." He shook his head in amused puzzlement. "No, I do not understand. Either you are very stupid or very brave. Or perhaps a little of both." He laughed at the thought.

Antonia stirred when he insulted her, enough to glare at him and speak clearly. Irritation allowed her to think through the fog of desire that had been muddling her mind. She'd had no idea when she'd agreed to this that being bitten would have such a powerful affect on her.

"I'm not stupid," she snapped, because it was the best retort she had. Doubtless, she would later think of something better and regret not saying it, but that hadn't come yet, so she settled for glaring into his amused, dark eyes.

"Perhaps not," he conceded. "But you are not very wise, either, if you are here." He waved a hand, encompassing the entire bar. It was filled with other patrons in the middle of their 'business'. Some were just sitting. Some were standing, like Antonia and Andre, with the 'victim' pinned against the wall. But none of the others were talking, Antonia noted. Their mouths were too busy. She looked away quickly, feeling dirty.

Antonia could see his point. Smart people didn't come here. It was an open secret that this place was a haunt for vampires and their 'victims'. People came here to willingly be bitten. Sometimes for money, sometimes for the thrill of it. Sometimes because they had a death wish. Antonia herself didn't know why she was here, except that she was not in the latter category. The money wouldn't hurt, but she didn't exactly need it.

So why was she here?

Curiosity. She had a friend who frequented this place, and had tried to describe to her the feeling of being bitten. She had to admit it piqued her interest, so she thought...she didn't know what. To try it, clearly. Why else would she be here?

"So if you're not stupid, why are you here, Antonia?" Andre asked, eerily echoing her thoughts. It made her wonder if he was one of those vampires that was a telepath. She sincerely hoped not, or she might spontaneously combust from mortification. She glared at him again.

"That's none of your business," she snapped again. He didn't seem impressed by her temper--he just laughed again, which only served to fan the flames of her anger.

"You're right," he agreed. "Patron confidentiality, and all that." He slipped her some bills with a chuckle. "Let me know if you plan to come back--it's been interesting." He strode off, and Antonia couldn't help watching him. She would never admit it, but she agreed with his last statement--this had been very interesting.

She had a feeling Andre wasn't a normal vampire.

Normal vampire, she snorted to herself, shaking her head and slipping the bills into her pocket. As if such a thing exists.

Author's Note

Sooooo. Thoughts? What do you think of Antonia? Should I delete this story or see where I can take it? Does my dialogue suck? How can I improve the quality for you, my readers? LEAVE A REVIEW AND LET ME KNOW, I AM ON MY FIGURATIVE KNEES BEGGING YOU GUYS.

Reviews

[EvilAngel133]

"how could someone penetrating your skin with your teeth and pulling your blood from body be a pleasant experience?" it should be how could someone penetrating your skin with their teeth and pulling the blood from your body be a pleasant experience?

"But now she could feel it. It wasn't about the teeth that had first pierced her flesh. It was about the cool, tight grip on her hips. Or the soft mouth on her neck that was far too tender to cause pain even though, rationally, she knew he was weakening her physically."

But now she could feel it. It wasn't about the teeth that had first pierced her flesh, it was about the cool, tight grip on her hips and the soft mouth on her neck that was far too tender to cause pain. (even though, rationally, she knew he was weakening her physically.) ((I would put this part in parenthesis or take it out completely because it ruins the flow and combine the last sentence in the paragraph as well, it makes for a nicer flow.))

"She shivered, this time not out of fear, and his cool breath caressed her skin as Andre chuckled slightly. It was a dark sound, and it stirred something inside of her. She met his dark eyes and there was amusement there, as well as a predatory light that she had seen only in hunting animals before. She shivered again, and a smirk curved up his lips, which he licked lustfully as he pulled away from her throat."

She shivered this time, not out of fear, Andre chucked at this as his cool breath gently caressed her skin. (the rest is fine just the first part needed fixed the wording was confusing)

I feel like there is something I read earlier that I am missing, but who knows maybe its just me. Besides the few flow issues I pointed out its very good and I was still able to understand your point. I find it helpful to read my work out loud to myself when I am done typing. It helps to figure out what sounds good and what sounds funky to the ear.

[Makenna]

Okay, thank you--I appreciate you pointing those out so I can fix them. (:

[EvilAngel133]

No problem :) I can't wait to read more X3

[EvilAngel133]

I liked it a lot myself being a vampire fan. The name was the first thing that caught my eye, instantly knew it was about vampires ( or at least I hoped and I was right!) I only saw one typo. It was great though dialog was good and the only thing I would add was some descriptions of the characters since you didn't yet I would at least add it soon.

[Makenna]

GAH WHAT WAS THE TYPO?! Can you remember so I can fix it? And I was intending to add character descriptions as I update, since I hate not knowing what someone looks like in a story.

Thank you for reviewing! :)

[Sunny Seng]

lol i just love how you asked, "Does my dialogue skills suck?" i think your story is good. some sentences need work. if you read it out loud it doesn't sound right. i would love to know what the vampire looks like and Antonia as well.

[Makenna]

AH HOW DID I NOT NOTICE THAT?! I USUALLY CATCH THAT STUFF!! *Immediately goes to fix it* Thank you for pointing that out.

[Sunny Seng]

your welcome and if you can read my work as well :)

[Makenna]

Eh...I have maybe an hour to spare. Is there a particular piece you would like me to look at?

[Sunny Seng]

just read the chapter called Evan and give me feed back