Emptiness is infuriating!
Is it not...?
Small cracks in the harden ground of the desert
Visions - Remember? - Her scorching gaze
Scent from where you stood
Fills me, almost
That echo! Silence it!
Drip!
Drip!
Drip!
Vacancy is infuriating!
Is it not...? Right?
Deep, scared wounds in once soft flesh
Love - Remember?! - Her painful stab
Memories from your presence
I smile, almost THAT ECHO, PLEASE, MAKE IT STOP!
Your form for this poem is interesting and works well with your subject matter. I think the use of exclamation marks are a little over done, as well as, your use of bolded words. Without the exclamation points and bolded words, we as readers are more challenged to understand this poem, which is a good thing. Usually I would pick on the transition from “her” to “you”, but in this poem, I love it and here is why: The idea of vacancy, of abandonment is crystal clear in this poem. The speaker seems alone, surrounded by nothing except black, empty silence and in this silence, the speaker is confronted with his own thoughts of love and loss. In this way, we see him thinking and remembering his lost love and then we see his breakdown and his longing for her to the point where he is imagining her there with him and speaking to her directly. In a morbid way, this piece could signify the loss of the speaker’s mental health and spiral into insanity.
I'd say you've improved a lot, because this is a great poem (:
The picture and the way you typed the poem really help to create an atmosphere that dovetailed nicely with the content. I'm adoring the parallel structure here - I don't know whether this is a particular style or not, but it provides a template and acts like an eerie refrain echoing in the reader's mind. I like how the words lightly hint at the story underneath, adumbrating around the edges without laying out the subject explicitly. I'm getting a sense of the dysthymia and emptiness that's slowly engulfing the person in the poem, leading to paranoia and possibly madness.
And all this I feel comes from such a short work. You chose your words really carefully and they were effective, nice job. There is a typo in there I think: "scent" was meant to be "sent", I think.
Your form for this poem is interesting and works well with your subject matter. I think the use of exclamation marks are a little over done, as well as, your use of bolded words. Without the exclamation points and bolded words, we as readers are more challenged to understand this poem, which is a good thing. Usually I would pick on the transition from “her” to “you”, but in this poem, I love it and here is why: The idea of vacancy, of abandonment is crystal clear in this poem. The speaker seems alone, surrounded by nothing except black, empty silence and in this silence, the speaker is confronted with his own thoughts of love and loss. In this way, we see him thinking and remembering his lost love and then we see his breakdown and his longing for her to the point where he is imagining her there with him and speaking to her directly. In a morbid way, this piece could signify the loss of the speaker’s mental health and spiral into insanity.
A very nice use of words and thoughts. I like the repetition. Gave balance to the flow of statements. I like the many places the poem took me. Your poetry is alive and strong. Thank you for the excellent poetry.
Coyote