The Mysterious Case of the Booty Bandit

Adult content within.

            The night was cool and tranquil in the valley. Wind gracefully boogied around town. The sound of a water fountain could be heard nearby; the drops of water were so delightful. People walked about chatting and window shopping while others were actually shopping. Various discussions were heard from the west as patrons ate their delicious food; dessert was in their foreseeable future. The sweet, tangy taste of Key Lime cheesecake littered their taste buds. You got the seductive whiff of chocolate with subtle notes of salted caramel and light, fluffy whip cream which was pretty incredible since someone had just ripped a*s, but I digress.

 

            He walked alone, heading toward the escalator up to the second floor, and into DSW. They were having a hot sale on kid’s shoes and he wanted to surprise his daughter. It was nearing 8 o’clock and soon the store would close, so he had to be swift. ‘All the other kids with the pumped up kicks, you'd better run, better run, out run my gun’ was playing on the speakers in the store. Jackie chuckled and thought, “That’s ironic. Why the hell would they play this song?” He paid no mind to it and went over to the girl’s section to pick out some kicks. “Attention DSW shoppers. We’ll be closing in five minutes. Please make your final selections and head toward the registers.” Jackie grew frantic. What was he going to do if he couldn’t find the right sneaker for his little one!? Would the world end? Would his mouth turn to ash? Or maybe worse, would his daughter spontaneously erupt into a cosmos of despair and madness sucking the everlasting hope out of the universe into a vacuum of decay and destitution? No. None of these things would happen because Jackie always gets his man. In this case his man was a pair of child’s shoes, but shut up and don’t worry about it.

 

            In a hurry, Mr. Chan grabbed the cutest, cheapest shoes he could find because you know, time was running out. He dashed toward the registers hopping, flipping, and vaulting over shoe racks like it was some kind of martial arts movie; kicking a little kid in the balls while doing so. How? No one knows, but that’s not important. By the time he reached his destination he was too late. The doors had closed and all the employees mysteriously vanished like when you’re rummaging through your purse looking for your favorite eye liner and you can’t find it and you know that b***h in marketing probably stole it because she’s such an envious little twat and can’t wait to steal your boyfriend away from you. Yeah…like that. Anyway, Jackie ran to the door, shoebox in hand, and pulled on the handle, but the door wouldn’t budge. He jerked and jerked until he couldn’t jerk anymore and then he tried to open the door one again, but to no avail.  He knew he had to find the key lest he be locked in there for eternity like some kind of weird prism prison that folds the very fabric of time and space with no end in sight.

 

            “It’s a Small World” started emanating from the speakers and the door still wouldn’t shift. Jackie took several steps back, charged the door, jumped, feet first in an attempt to break the glass. When he came into contact with the glass it didn’t break, but instead knocked Jackie to the ground in pain. With no other visible way out and that incessant nagging music repeating the same f*****g words over and over and over again, Mr. Chan was losing his s**t…and he had to poop too. He got up, walked it off, pinched a loaf in a nearby shoebox and used the tissue paper to wipe. “Oh man, that is ripe,” he exclaimed as he swatted the air in front of his nose. The annoyance of the music was growing louder and louder similar to when you’re in your mom’s basement playing Dark Souls fighting Ornstein and Smough and your f*****g mom won’t shut the f**k up about you taking out the trash and cleaning your dishes even though you’ve been eating Pop-Tarts and Cheetos all day and haven’t used any f*****g dishes and the trash is a lie and doesn’t exist because people are all trash and we all should be taken out one by one. Yeah…like that.

 

            Jackie searched for the key to his escape with much determination. He scoured the entire DSW looking for a stupid little trinket to release him of the agony he was in. As he roamed the department store, Jackie noticed a variety of panties on the floor. Blood started squirting out of his nose like when your girl is on the rag, but it’s like the rag of the century and instead of it being minor and tame it’s massive and violent like a crimson Niagara Falls. Yeah…like that. Snickering was soon heard surrounding Jackie and more and more panties were found. What the f**k is going on? he thought. Jackie quickly recalled that when he had entered the store there were no men in sight, only women. The cackling grew louder like when your boyfriend rages at Dark Souls because he’s spent five hours on The Bed of Chaos with its rapey f*****g tentacle root fingers that jab you in the a*s causing copious amounts of blood to pour out of your a*****e and he’s so used to the pain he’s now gone mad. Yeah…like that.

 

            Jackie received a swift kick to the nuts and fell forward face-planting to the ground. “HAA! F**k you! That’s for my balls,” yelled the boy.

 

Groaning, “Wh…Who are you,” asked Jackie.

 

 “I’m the little fuckboy you knocked in the nuts earlier when racing to the checkout counter, asshat.”

 

“What are you talking about? I didn’t hit any nuts, none that were big enough for my foot to feel anyway,” Chan chuckled.

 

“Oh, Ha ha. The little boy has no balls. Very funny. Well what do you think of this, Mr. Clown?”

 

            The boy unsheathed a whopping, floppy, flailing purple d***o and proceeded to beat Jackie with it. This thing was gigantic similar to the size of your dad’s head when he starts to build you a tree house, but has never built a god damn thing in his life and he knows it but says ‘F**k it’ because he’s a man and doesn’t need any help or direction and decides to build his 17 year old son a f*****g shoddy tree house that even the birds wouldn’t s**t on and then when he finally finishes the piece of s**t is proud of his atrocious achievement and shoves it in your face like this kid is about to do to Mr. Chan with his huge phallic toy. Yeah…like that.

 

            Mr. Chan takes a harsh beating, but not before he gets a few licks in himself and a few punches too. Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot. Before he knows it he’s walking like a real boy…in the opposite direction of the penis wielding maniac child with a thirst for ball busting and beating Jackie’s balls. Jackie proceeds to gather up all of the panties strewn about the store like it’s some kind of bright idea similar to when your s****y friend Jasper goes down to the club and chats up all of the girls and lines them up one by one and does shots with them while doing lines of coke off their tits and then wondering why he can’t get an erection but everyone is so fucked up they aren’t aware of anything outside the realm of physicality so they start doing it anyway and 3 hours goes by and you find Jasper bent over in a pile of trash outside your apartment with his dick dangling over his face and snot stuck to his nose. Yeah…like that.

 

            The kid charges toward Jackie, flaccid monster sex toy in hand, and swings it like a mighty hammer at Jackie’s nuts missing and hitting his testicles instead. Jackie’s face becomes red and he squints in pain covering his family jewels while making sure to protect his crotch too. The boy readies another assault, but he soon realizes that he just doesn’t have it in him, and drops the dick. This gives Jackie a moment to recover and follow up with a second kick to the nards of this little prick and the boy it’s attached to. The blow is too great and knocks the kid backwards, the attack hurt him too. Mr. Chan works his magic, since he’s been practicing to become a magician, and subdues the child by wrapping him up with all the panties. He still hasn’t figured out what all the panties were doing there in the first place. A sinister laugh is heard off in the distance of the store like the one before; not the one that we heard from the boyfriend who was playing Dark Souls and getting butt raped by a tree, possibly enjoying it and growing insane. No…not that laugh.

 

            As Jackie moved closer to the back of the store, the laugh increased in magnitude and muffled sounds of contempt could be heard, but not the muffled sounds of contempt that you hear when you’re being spanked by your significant other and you actually like it, but it’s role play night and you guys are spicing up your sex life so you figured you’d try new things and spanking seemed like a wildly good idea even though it eventually hurts and leaves marks but you figured ‘What the hell?’ and go along with it anyway because you want to please your partner even if it means humiliating yourself because you grew up with s****y parents who drank and shot up heroin and left you to fend for yourself when you were four. No… not like that. Anyway, so these moans and whimpers were heard in the back. Jackie sought out the noise and what he stumbled upon was baffling. He had finally found out where all the panties came from; there were a bunch of women lined up, tied and gagged with more panties, facing a wall with their bare asses sticking out.

 

            Jackie was shocked, yet oddly aroused, but there was no time for hanky panky or beating off. He had a job to do and that job was to get the hell out of that store so he could give his daughter the damn sneaks! Mr. Chan still needed that blasted key! He investigated the back office figuring he would have to find it there, not realizing that perhaps one of these ladies could be carrying the very instrument of his salvation. As he drew closer to the back of the office the snickering resurfaced. There was a double-door storage cabinet behind Jackie where the giggling originated. Out jumped a derpy little man with a big nose, monocle, and small elf hat, one that you’d see Santa’s little helpers wear. He chuckled has he tried to strangle Mr. Chan. Jackie flung left and right in an attempt to get this little hobbit off his back. It wasn’t working. The tiny s**t wouldn’t let go and neither would this dwarf, so Jackie ran backwards to the nearest wall and smashed the midget into the wall as hard as he could. The small man moaned and scurried quickly off into the other room with the women. Quickly, like when your baby’s daddy whispers sweet nothings in your ear telling you everything you want to hear but in reality he’s full of s**t and runs off once you’re pregnant dodging your calls and the child support he owes like it’s the apocalypse and zombies are chasing his a*s wanting to bite that dick off and you think those damned zombies should bite his dick off because of how he royally fucked you over. Yeah…like that.

 

            The girls scream again and loud smacks resonate to Jackie’s ears. He rushes out of the office to find the undersized dipshit tapping that a*s, each a*s, every a*s. For every a*s that is being tapped there is a chuckle to be followed by this minute fuckwad. Jackie is astonished at the sight, both hesitant to see the fun stop, and also worried about getting home in time to put his kids to bed, after he gives his daughter her kicks of course.  “Who the hell are you?” Jackie inquired.

“Well, I’m the Booty Bandit, dickhead. I love a*s and treasure. I already cleaned out the registers, so I thought I would clean out some a*s too,” replied the man.

 

“That doesn’t make any sense!” Jackie remarked with a strong tone and sense of confusion.

 

“Does it really have to? Look at me. I’m under four feet with this longass nose, f*****g monocle, and stupid little elf hat. What about this makes any sense?”

 

Jackie ponders for a brief moment and replies, “Fair enough,” and heads toward the exit.

 

“Hey! Aren’t you forgetting something?” the Booty Bandit yells.

 

            Jackie turns around and sees a keychain flying right at him. He catches it and sees one key in particular has a gem encrusted in it. That must be the one I need to get out of here, he thought. Jackie heads to the door, uses the key, unlocks it, and opens the gate to his cell freeing him from the bizarre horror the night has been. Moving with great haste, Jackie bumps into a man taller than him with blonde hair on the way out.

 

“Hey, man. Have you seen my brother around here? He’s kind of short with a long nose similar to mine, but bigger. Have you seen him anywhere, man?” says the stranger.

 

Jackie looks at the man with an unimpressed stare for a moment and says, “Yeah. He’s in the back of DSW smacking butts and calling himself the Booty Bandit.”

 

Surprised to hear the good news, the man replies excitedly, “Really? He’s back there tapping a*s…..Wow. He’s living the dream.”

 

Jackie smiles and nods and starts to walk out of the galleria when the man turns around and shouts, “See ya around, Shanghai Kid.”

Reviews

[Emily]

I lost 5 years of my life to this piece. Thanks

[Guardian Of The Lost]

Hahaha. You're welcome.

[Daddy Is Home]

Quality~ (I need 25 characters to submit this)

[theachaeanheel]

You weren't hugged enough as a child, were you? - Riley Rydin

[theachaeanheel]

Simply beautiful. The pinnacle of literary fiction. All of human history led to this particular sequence of words. Everything is downhill from this moment.