To A Thief - Chapter 26: Moblin Madness

Will Stiff's moblin disguise allow him to access the mines of Movalpolos? Or will the moblins tear him a new one?

"So here's a brief run-down of the mission," Vincent began. "Stiff, while in disguise as a moblin, will head deep into Movalpolos and locate the magicite hidden within," He said as he motioned to Stiff, whom sat grumpily on a chair beside Vincent in his moblin suit. 

The others nodded as they listened on, some occasionally snickering at the disguised thief. 

"Draven, Bear, and Annie will be standing by outside in the cover of the mountains. Their job will be to secure the perimeter of Movalpolos to make sure no moblins or goblins come in or out. Should word leak that the moblins have intruders, I'm sure our enemy won't hesitate to send reinforcements. But their main purpose will be to make sure everything sails smoothly. Should anything happen to Stiff while he's in there, you three will run in and intervene. Is that clear?" He asked, looking each of them sternly in the eyes until they nodded. 

"As for you, Stiff... you will keep in touch with those three via linkpearl. Zigblix has brought us a map of Movalpolos which you will use to make your way to the magicite. This is very important. You must not be seen planting the magical explosives on the magicite... they will be in your gobbie bag, and are quie delicate, so do be careful. Once planted, you get your a*s out of there and give the others the signal to blow the thing to s**t." 

"I got it, I got it..." Stiff muttered. "I'm probably walking into my own grave here, but whatever." 

"If that's what it takes," Vincent said casually, walking over to Zigblix and taking the self-drawn map to hand to Stiff. "Here you go. Don't fail." 

Stiff sighed and took the map, skimming it over. "So what's everyone else gonna be doing?" He asked. 

"Recon," Flint grinned, loading his rifle with ammunition. "We're going to get to the bottom of this underground group. Time for us to get the jump on em' for once." 

"Good luck~" Nanaa winked at the others. "Try to be more enthusiastic about this, Stiff! The look suits you!" She giggled. 

"Shut. Up." Stiff exasperated with a glare. "I should buy you an orc suit one of these days. It would sure suit you!" 

"You calling me fat, little boy?" Nanaa hissed, lunging at Stiff but coming to a halt as Veronaut yanked the end of her tail. 

"Quit dickin' around, fools. We got work to do," He grumbled. 

"Hmph.. you just want him for yourself," Nanaa threw her head to the side in irritation and pulled her tail from his grasp.

Flint motioned his hands to Stiff frantically, shaking his head... his eyes telling him, "Careful! Insulting Nanaa's appearance is a ticket to hostile territory."

"That's enough. All of you, get a move on," Vincent ordered, causing everyone to momentarily scatter off to their objectives. 

******

"Ugh.. I hate this place." Annie grumbled as she brought  a handkerchief out of her sleeve and patted her forehead with it. "I don't mind the rocky a*s hills so much as I do the sun all over my face and skin." 

They had been trekking through the area without chocobos in order to stay hidden among the hills. The walk to Movalpolos proved to be somewhat tiring to the small group. 

"Heh... Annie may be tough, but in the end, she's still just a woman," Bear snickered. "This place ain't so bad. In fact, this is my kind of terrain," the galka grinned as he surveyed the dry landscape of Gustaberg. 

"Stiff sure seems to think that way," Draven muttered as he looked up at the hill in the distance, where Stiff hurried ahead of the group. "Guy isn't even breaking a sweat..."

Stiff stretched his arms out and yawned out loud as he stood atop the hill, turning towards the group and looking around. "Come on, guys! Let's get this thing over with already. What's keeping ya?" 

"Whatever," Draven grumbled as he picked up the pace. 

"Didn't you say he was from Windurst?" Bear rose a brow at Draven. 

"He was raised there, but I'm not exactly sure where he's from," Draven replied. 

"Figures. He's a little country boy, then. No wonder he's used to places like these. Nothing but plains, hills, and mountains surrounding the windurstian region," Annie shrugged.

"I thought country folk were a little more... you know, relaxed?" Bear gave a crooked smile. "This kid is all over the place." 

"Then I guess he's just weird," Annie shrugged once more. "Hm? I think I see the entrance to Movalpolos."

"Alright, let's hug the mountains for now. Can't risk being seen." Draven nodded, calling Stiff over to revise. 

******

Stiff had made his way inside the tunnel into Movalpolos, fastening his moblin helmet on properly and walking down a damp, hazy tunnel until the sounds of distant pickaxes smashing against the mine walls got closer and closer. The first test was about to begin: Getting past the moblin guards. 

These things were freakishly huge. They didn't look anything like normal goblins or moblins. They were hulking and had much longer arms. 

"So, these are the moblin bugbears Zigblix was talking about," Stiff muttered under his mask as he approached them. Surprisingly, they only sniffed him once or twice before shoving him into the mines  and equipping him with a few pickaxes strapped onto a belt, grunting as they pushed them against him. 

Stiff couldn't understand what they were saying, but it was probably somewhere along the lines of, "Start digging, b***h!" 

"That was a lot easier than I expected..." Stiff thought to himself as the anxiety slowly faded away. Shaking his head, he made his way down the tunnel to blend in with the other moblins, making sure to walk properly like them while clicking the pickaxe belt around his waist. 

The smell of smelting ore and dirt filled the mask through the many little air holes as Stiff looked around with a pick axe in hand for a place to start "mining". 

He was suddenly yanked over to one of the mining carts full of various ore, spotting some valuable-looking ones even. The moblin that had been previously hauling it now grunted at him and slapped its rounded hand against the handle bars three times, signaling at Stiff to haul the cart down the small tracks. 

Stiff did it without hesitation, grunting himself as he pushed his body against the cart with all his might. 

"This thing is fricken' heavy!" He thought to himself as he felt the stress of the cart's weight against his triceps. 

Eventually, Stiff was able to haul the cart full of ore down to its destination, another moblin taking his place and motioning him to start digging in that section of the tunnel. Many more carts would make their way down with moblin after moblin taking each other's position. It was a pretty straight-forward routine. 

Moblins' lives sure are boring.. I wouldn't be able to stand doing this for a whole day, let alone for the rest of my life. They got nothing to look forward to except work. Sucks for them. 

"Who you be!?"" A raspy, eccentric moblin's voice suddenly called to Stiff from behind as he tried blending in. 

Stiff felt his heart jump at the sound of the voice, since it sounded so close. Turning around, he saw a moblin with a strange wool hat over its head with a little ball of fluff at the tip. Aside from the silly a*s hat, this moblin looked like any other. 

"You be new here, yes!?" The moblin pointed at Stiff, walking around him. 

"N-New? Um, y-yes... I guess." Stiff grunted back, trying so hard not to sound panicked while putting on his moblin accent. "How you know dis ting?"

"Mate, I know everyone in this excavation, bro!" It boasted, prancing on its long feet. 

Stiff just stood there without saying anything. He didn't know what to say and was just hoping this guy would let him go back to work. 

To his dismay, the moblin began to sniff him loudly, snorting each time it inhaled. "OH! Mate, you smell new!" It exclaimed as it yanked the fake rubber moblin ears of Stiff's mask, shoving its fingers under its own mask and tasting them. "You taste new, too!" 

Stiff just stood there in bewilderment, his eyes wide under the mask as he realized this damn moblin could have pulled the mask off of his head just now. He quickly straightened the mask and replied, "Um, yes... tis be my first day here." 

"Oh, okay! Well, I'm Timoblix... and you aaaare~" It asked, holding out its arm towards Stiff. 

"Um.. Stiffalblix." He muttered. 

"Stiffa-liffa-blixa-whata!?!?" The moblin called out, randomly excited. 

"... Stiffalblix..." Stiff cleared his throat. 

The moblin just stared at him for a long moment without moving before shaking its head quickly and pointing at him in a crazed manner. "Nahhh! You be Stiffy!" 

"What!? Does this guy know who I am?" Stiff thought, feeling his heart rise up to his throat again. "N-No! That's not me... I'm just Stiffalblix." 

"Stiffy be easy to remember!" Timoblix pranced around. 

"Um... Okay. I be getting back to work now... It be nice to meet you." Stiff muttered as he tried getting away from this freak. 

"Oi! Let Timoblix show newblin around the excavation site!" Timoblix exclaimed as some strange, upbeat music suddenly began to play out of nowhere. 

Where the HELL is that music coming from!?

"NO! That be okay! I go on my way now!" Stiff quickly replied. 

"Nahhh, it be too late, mon! Te music already begun!" Timoblix shouted as he grabbed Stiff by the wrist and began yanking him around the place with the music playing in the background. How none of the other moblins thought this was strange was beyond Stiff, and the other Brigadiers who were now listening and watching through the link pearl in amazement. 

"Listen to me Stiffayyyy!" Timoblix called out, prancing even more than he had before. "I have a song for you!"

"Come wit me on my tour now! 

And tis is what you should do! 

Just listen to my little friend. 

Tere is someting you should know

Tat everybody here, is not exactly what tey show

Tat's what you gotta do, sometimes to get by when your a newblin here at Excavation Movalpolos

To avoid getting picked on

Or getting your a*s kicked

Go find some fake friends

So you can fake laugh wit

Come wit me on my little tour

Find someone that you can trust

Changing Te Moblin World.

But be careful this is Excavating and everybody sucks

Now ten, you got te rich goblins sitting on teir wealt

And Emoblins on Emo Grass Te grass tat cuts itself

An tose are te dramablins trying to get some fame

And te Bugbear team is sad cause they never win some game

Hallelujah te biblin club trying to spread te word

Te Potblins getting high tey trying to spread te herb

Te moblin chicks WILL have you tinking tat tey are pure

But tey are all a bunch of w****s and we're all just insecure"

Suddenly, other moblins and goblins began to join the frightening "musical" taking place in Movalpolos, including Bugbears...

Stiff continued to be dragged around, completely confused and mind blown as to what was going on. 

"What the hell are they doing down there!?" Annie furrowed her brows. 

"You gotta be kidding me..." Draven sighed, shaking his head. "I'm embarrassed for them all. Especially Stiff." 

"HAHAHAH!" Bear doubled over in laughter along with his baby wyvern. 

"IT'S Excavation, And It Sucks

I have few friends I can trust, mate

Excavating, And It Sucks

Why am I out of picks! Ya! 

Excavating And It Sucks! Mate! 

It sucks so much! 

It's Excavation, And It Sucks! Mate! 

It sucks so much!" 

"You might be walking in te tunnel ways LIKE why you stare at me

Everyblin is judged by teir popularity

Te boys act tough trying to impress te hoes

And all te hoes walk around like it's a fashlin show

Te Bugbears spend all the time humping

Te moblin leaders don't do notting

So pick a CLIQUE before you pass trough

Pick te wrong one and tey will outcast you

Tunnel king, Tunnel Queen, who got te nicest snares?

At te end of te day, nobody really cares

Te moblin girls cheer, tey don't care if we die

We don't care about teir cheers

We just staring at teir b***s

And even if you tink you have a BFF

YOU turn around and SHE RAN OFF with your BF

Take your ores and tunnel applications

Cause everyblin's waiting on promotions!"

"IT'S Excavation, And It Sucks

I have few friends I can trust, mate

Excavating, And It Sucks

Why am I out of picks! Ya! 

Excavating, And It Sucks! Mate! 

It sucks so much! 

It's Excavation, And It Sucks! Mate! 

It sucks so much!" 

"Excavating, And It Sucks! 

Mining, And It Sucks! 

Movalpolos, MATE it Sucks! Mate! 

It sucks so much!" 

All the moblins suddenly threw their hands up in the air, shouting as loud as they could.

"YEEEEES!"

Timoblix turned to shrug at Stiff casually, holding out his arms. "It sucks." But he blinked in surprise as he realized the newblin was no longer there. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Author's Note: In case you're wondering, YES this is a parody of TimothyDeLaGhetto's Highschool Sucks musical which you can see here: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GWy_uauR-6k

I had writer's block and thought I'd take care of it with something dumb :P 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"So... this is what you moblins have been up to all this time." Kahlee's voice boomed through the tunnels followed by the roar of her saber tooth pet. "So you think your job sucks, eh!?"

All the moblins suddenly began to scatter about in fright. 

"Fortunately for you all... I'm here to make sure you never pick up another pick axe EVER AGAIN!" She screamed, charging forward on the back of her tiger. 

******

"Sheesh.. that was annoying. Those poor b******s are so bored they've made a habit out of singing to newblins!" Stiff scoffed as he hurried deep into the tunnels en route to the magicite. "At least that was the perfect diversion for me to get to the magicite. I'm heading in, guys! Stand by." 

"Roger," Draven replied through the linkpearl. 

"Have fun back there?" Annie snorted, Bear still laughing in the background. 

___________________________________________________________________________________

Continued in Chapter 27: Remembering 

Author's Note

Sorry for the slow update.. I recently got back to Final Fantasy XI and have been thoroughly enjoying my time on it so much so that it's seriously delayed my updates!