She has shattered pieces in the place her heart should be

Broken souls who find refuge in self-harm...

Standing next to the water sink,she tightly held a razor in her hand and dragged it across her thighs.

One cut,two cuts,three cuts,four cuts…until a flood of blood came out.

The sight in front of her eyes made her heart relax and she breathed a sigh of relief.And  as painful memories made their way back to her mind,she dragged the blade deeper into her skin.

“Why do you cut?”his voice asked  echoing in her head”This is just too stupid,Self-harm isn’t the solution!”

“You’re digging your own grave,then wonder why on earth no  one rescued you?”Said another furious voice.

“You know what?Maybe those horrible thoughts filling your mind are true!Maybe you are really worthless,dumb,ugly and invisible afterall!”Shouted a voice dripping with venom.

And like that,the tears running down her cheeks wouldn’t stop as well as the flood of blood coming out from the cuts in her thighs .

Hoping that her mother wouldn’t hear her, she sobbed harder kneeling down to the ground.”Why does it have to be that way?I must have been a tyrant in an other life to deserve this”she thought to herself”Where did I go wrong?”

And the demon inside of her answered:”You love this pain because you think you deserve it!They keep saying it’ll get better,but no,it’s changing nothing for you,you’re worthless,you really are!

Don’t you think things will get better,If you just swallow the pills in your hand?if you just tie that rope around your neck?”

And before she does as that voice told her to,and swallow the pills,the bathroom door swung wide open revealing an extremely horrified look on her mother’s face.

 

With a rasping voice,Mrs Wang finally managed to croak out her daughter’s name:”Michelle!”

Too guilty and ashamed,she couldn’t lift her head up and meet her mum’s eyes.

“Michelle?What’s wrong?What’s going on?”

But Michelle couldn’t,as usual,reply to the same old questions she heard over millions of time now.

Acting like the comprehensive mother she is,Mrs Wang took the razor and pills away from her daughter,and helped her stand on her feet,she cleaned the mess Michelle caused to her thighs,and waited for her to utter a word.And surprisingly she did:

“Mum I’m sorry you had to see this,but I knew that eventually someday you’ll find out.I’ve been cutting for two years now,and I just can’t stop,people ask why,but they can’t understand,they can’t understand the fact that  I want to feel my blood drip down my sides,that I cut because I deserve to feel that pain,Mum you don’t know how many times I wished to tell my thoughts to someone but when I want,I choke on the words.

I am filled with broken promises, messed up thoughts, and empty words. I am filled with nostalgia. I am filled with lies. I am filled with regret. I am filled with truth. I am filled with silence. I am filled with sound. I am filled with sadness. I am filled with loneliness. I am filled with memories that don’t seem to matter anymore and feelings I don’t have a name for. But the one thing I am not filled with is happiness.

Mum, I’m someone who doesn’t deserve to live,I’m a monster,I destroy everything in my path including myself.I killed someone you see,that girl who used to be me.

And you know what I don’t understand,no matter how good a day has been,If I sit still for even a second I can feel a thousand painful needles sticking into my every soul,and I remember that the only way I can show or release that pain is through the blades,or starvation.Why does it never ends,and so I comply.At least those pains I can control.

And I don’t blame anyone.I did this to myself,it’s my fault.Everything is!

Mum you can’t say:Oh come on it’s just CANCER get over it,so why do some people say that about depression?

They don’t know what I went through,they don’t know  the childhood I had,they don’t know how much I hate myself,they don’t know what I do to myself when I’m alone,they don’t know how much it hurts,how bad I want to give up on myself,how much I cry…

Just like cancer is a serious illness,so is depression,just like tumor can kiil so does depression…

But they could never tell by the smile sprawled across my face,that  darkness lurked within me.

Mum everyday I have the urge to cut,the urge to skip meals and take laxatives,the suicidal thoughts,the will to no longer get out of bed.It just all becomes harder and harder.

Mum,they don’t know that telling someone with depression to” just get over it and be happy” is like telling someone with a broken leg to run to the hospital

Telling someone with an eating disorder to “just eat” is like telling someone with claustrophobia to get inside a small cupboard and lock the door.

Telling someone who self-harms to “just stop doing” is like telling a drug addict to sit in a room full of drugs and touch nothing.

Mum, sometimes you just are in pain. When your pain is tangible. You can reach out and touch it. It’s everywhere, consuming you. You don’t even realise how long it’s been eating away at your insides until you finally cave in and crumble helplessly, crashing, spiralling down, hopeless. The terrible tightening in your chest, the constriction of your lungs, the deep, shuddering breaths in as you try to hold back the inevitable- then you break. Now comes the painful, wracking sobs, screaming silently, your damaged self seeping out through the cracks that you flimsily repair each time you fall apart. But this time, those cracks have split wide open, leaving gaping holes in your being. You wait for a long time, weeping pitifully as you cry yourself a pool of self-sympathy, until you are empty, benumbed, turned inside out.

Sometimes you just feel alone, it doesn’t matter if there are a lot of people around you, you just falling in the darkness, it’s like they can breathe but you can’t.

Mum I’m sorry you had to see this,im sorry you had to hear those words…”

 

 

 

Author's Note

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Reviews

[matti40]

The story is somewhat morbid in the beginning, but very descriptive, which really draws the reader's attention. You did an excellent job comparing how people with depression suffer just as bad as other people with chronic illnesses. This piece is a real eye opener for those who are unfamiliar with depression and why people behave in abnormal ways.